Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Blogs Are Stupid

According to all the latest web buzz, "blogs" are the newest trend amongst the pseudo-intellectual. Being myself a pseudo intellectual (just ask my detractors) I decided that I should probably get on board with this, or risk being thought hopelessly antideluvian and uncool. I started doing some investigating, as I was plagued by some troubling questions that I felt must be answered before I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be) in an attempt to "blog".

What manner of things does one include in a blog? Are blogs meant to be public opinion pieces, the purpose of which is to be read and commented upon (and lauded for their wit and adroitness with a turn of phrase, of course) by others? Or are they merely the modern equivalent of "Dear Diary", with secret musings and expressions of heart's desire? What sort of person spills the secrets of their soul on the information superhighway? Is this something *I* would be comfortable doing? More importantly, how does one convince one's self that what one has written is not, in fact, french fried tripe, unfit for public consumption? Perhaps the certainty borne of narcsissm is a prerequisite for blogging and if that is so...can one fake it?

With these questions in mind, I set out to unlock the secret of blogging. Misgivings about my aptitude for such a pursuit weighed heavily on my mind. I desperately needed a mentor. I have, in the course of my internet travels, been acquainted with a number of self styled intellectuals; illuminati of such stellar character as to be wholly convinced of their idealogical, moral and philosophical superiority. They struck me immediately as the sort of individual who would indeed, "blog". What better way to gain insight into the mind and qualifications of the seasoned blogger than to avail myself of their wisdom and proficiency? Nothing is quite so edifying as intellectual property, after all.

With great enthusiasm and hopeful fervor, I began to search out and peruse the literary stylings of this generation's greatest thinkers. I read blog after blog hoping for the kind of enlightenment that would allow me to enter the esteemed ranks of bloggers everywhere. Sadly, with each successive blog, I grew more and more disconsolate and disillusioned. I read about recipes. I read about diaper rash. I read about sex lives grown stale, and marital discontent. I read bad poetry and even worse fiction. I read political rantings and religious idealogy. I read self-indulgent lamentations of victimization, and proclomations of rectitude and altruism. Most appallingly, I read endless rambling accounts of day to day minutiae so staggering in their banality as to be nauseating, coma-inducing, and in some cases, both.

Imagine my great shock and dismay to discover that the meaning of life was not to be found in these missives. No, indeed. What I found instead, were rather stale and hackneyed attempts to legitimize and sensationalize the mundane, the ordinary, and the mediocre. To what end, I remain baffled. And I am also left wondering...what is so wrong with ordinary? I myself lead quite an ordinary life, and have in fact cultivated ordinariness with great determination. We are a middle American family with a middle class existence. My children are neither distressingly dim nor disparately bright. Neither my husband nor I am extraordinarily accomplished or attractive, and though we do alright in terms of wit and sagacity, neither of us is discovering new theorems or solving any of the multitude of problems that plague mankind. We are in all ways possible...exceedingly average.


This, apparently, is the antithesis of what one should aspire to, and I find myself somewhat toubleed about what manner and degree of character deficiency accounts for my disturbing lack of concern over it. I do not feel compelled to glorify housewifery. While I have long admired June Cleaver, I do not aspire to be her, and more often than not, my maternal and domestic stylings more resemble those of Roseanne. I am not driven to extoll the virtues of chauffering, food preparation or child care. It is what it is. I am not. Admittedly, sometimes the predictability of my days does lead to random mental meanderings. The act of removing fecal matter from aged porcelain to which it has become eternally bonded does not of its own accord inspire profound thought. Naturally, the mind wanders.

But what kind of person believes these disjointed bursts of marginally coherent thought suitable for anything but the deepest reccesses of their own mind? Certainly not the great thinkers and philosophers that I am acquainted with! Alas, the printed word does not deceive, and I am forced to acknowledge the monumental sham that has been perpetrated and accept the truth. Bloggers, thy name is Fraud! So, duplicitous they may be, but what compels them to importune others with their pointless and irrelevant blather? Perhaps it is the simple fact that misery loves company.

In short, the conclusion that I have reached is this: Blogs are stupid. As a trend, I predict they will go the way of leg warmers, parachute pants, and high waisted jeans. In other words, they will not be a treasured account of one's cerebral self in days gone by, but rather, a source of profound chagrin and endless harassment, much like the visual snapshots that preserve our dubious taste and unfortunate fashion choices for all eternity.

You know the ones I'm talking about...there's that one of you in the teal green satin dress with the dropped waist. Its the one you still secretly think you look hot in, and the one you always give to online acquaintances, professing not to have anything more recent. You're sporting a poodle perm and mile high bangs. Your date is sporting a matching cumberbund and a self-effacing grin. He know he looks foolish, and he knows he is destined to spend eternity looking foolish on your parent's living room wall. If he hadn't been pinning all his simple adolescent hopes on having sex with you on prom night, he would have clued you in to that fact.

So allow me to do what he could not. Bloggers, it is not too late. You can delete all the pretentious and puerile drivel you've foisted upon the world at large in an instant, and no one will be the wiser. Unless of course you've proudly publicized such with all the vainglorious ostentation that you posess and linked to every other blog in the free world. In which case, I'm afraid, you're screwed. The secret is out, and everybody knows you are whining, self-important boor with delusions of grandeur.

For the record, it has not escaped me that I have now placed myself in the same class as those whom I castigate herein. But no matter. My point has been made. I will not lament my lack of productivity in chronicling every mundane musing that crosses my mind. I will not chasten myself as a "bad blogger" and promise to do better. In fact, this may well be my only entry. Or not. If hindsight tells me anything, its that the malevolence and stupidity of others can always be counted on to provide fodder for my own self-indulgent rantings. Stay tuned. But don't hold your breath.

(Dedicated to bloggers of a certain ilk...may they see the error of their ways and repent)

12 Comments:

  • At 3:57 PM, Blogger Miss Smartee Pants said…

    Yep. Blogs are stupid. Generally nothing more than a little bit of self-indulgent nonsense.

    Still . . .

    Late at night, when you can't sleep and can't stop the internal monologue, it's a great place to deposit the nonsense so you can get back to the stuff that matters.

    For some of us, this is our only real chance to spend 5 - 10 minutes a day being a self-centered blow hard. Not everyone can be a Senator.

     
  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger Miss Smartee Pants said…

    You crack me up.

     
  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    BA - looking forward to talking with you about how this has evolved for you over time. I've recently been thinking about my old diaries and how inane and stupid they are and wondering if the blog will actually embarass ME later on (forget about all my "victims.") OTJ

     
  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger karla said…

    And over a year and a half later you are still here, which I think is a very good thing!

     
  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger karen said…

    "Perhaps the certainty borne of narcsissm is a prerequisite for blogging and if that is so...can one fake it?"
    Hahahaha! That's hilarious. Right on target, you are, with all of it :)

     
  • At 4:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    that made me rofl

     
  • At 4:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You spelled antedeluvian wrong.

     
  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger Molly said…

    Blogs, threads, forums...all of it. This article could have gone out to any of them. It's true of all of them. I myself set out to try to have substantive debate with those of my own political ilk and those otherwise, to negative avail. The problem wasn't that they had good or bad opinions, it was that they weren't educated enough to present anything except for regurgitated empiricisms and half-witted insults. Group thought was the popular "to do." The worst though was that they covered their total garbage in a syrup of false legitimacy. I mean you cant cover shit in honey and expect the shit to smell any different.

     
  • At 4:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    WHEN U R READING THIS DONT STOP OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! MY NAME IS SUMMER I AM 15 YEARS OLD i have BLONDE HAIR ,MANY SCARS no NOSE OR EARS.. I AM DEAD. IF U DONT COPY THIS JUST LIKE FROM THE RING, COPY N POST THIS ON 5 MORE SITES.. OR.. SUMMER WILL APPEAR ONE DARK QUIET NIGHT WHEN UR NOT ExPECTING IT BY YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL U. THIS IS NO JOKE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U IF YOU POST THIS ON 5 MORE PAGES WHEN U R READING THIS DONT STOP OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! MY NAME IS SUMMER I AM 15 YEARS OLD i have BLONDE HAIR ,MANY SCARS no NOSE OR EARS.. I AM DEAD. IF U DONT COPY THIS JUST LIKE FROM THE RING, COPY N POST THIS ON 5 MORE SITES.. OR.. SUMMER WILL APPEAR ONE DARK QUIET NIGHT WHEN UR NOT ExPECTING IT BY YOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL U. THIS IS NO JOKE SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO U IF YOU POST THIS ON 5

     
  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes, I agree, blogs are stupid. All blogs are stupid, including this one.
    Ok, that was an easy joke, congratulations, very sharp, thanks.

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I would have to say that you are above average. I agree with everything you said and I really do wish with all of my heart that I wish their were more people like you in this world.

     
  • At 3:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Are you trying to be IRONIC, or are you just that fucking stupid? DO WE REALY NEED A STUPID BLOG, TELLING US THAT BLOGGING IS STUPID? YOU MOTHER FUCKERS WHO DO THIS SHIT (BLOGGING) CAN GO TO CAN DIE A VIOLENT DEATH, AND GO TO HELL!

     

Post a Comment

<< Home