Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Keeping Abreast

Not long ago, simply by happenstance, my husband discovered that our oldest son was browsing for porn on the family computer. Not having any real idea how to go about locating porn, he had simply typed in "boobs.com", unaware that he had left behind evidence of his crime.

Several years back, he had asked me what a vagina looks like. After explaining to the 911 dispatcher that I was not having a heart attack after all, I got out one of my childbirth reference books, and showed him a tasteful, but realistic artistic rendering of a vagina. Due to his age, I assumed his interest was prompted mainly by the emerging distinctions in gender roles among his peers, and his curiosity about how boys and girls differ, both physically, and socially.

Not so boobs.com.

We realized the time had come to install parental controls on the computer, and locked that sucker down tighter than a drum. We explained that it was normal for him to be curious but also talked to him about why it isn't appropriate for kids his age to view that kind of material. We explained how those kinds of sites can foster unrealistic and sometimes even harmful ideas and expectations and we stressed the importance of developing a healthy sexual identity and awareness. We told him he can always come to us if he has questions. That was really the end of it for quite some time.

Husband was more amused than horrified. I, quite frankly, was beside myself. Porn? At 9? Dear God does it really start that young? Husband assured me that it does. Still, I couldn't help but wonder if our son was some kind of sexual deviant.

But apparently word of mouth spreads the gospel of sex pretty effectively even among the elementary school set, and they talk about it almost as much as they talk about sports; regurgitating the half-truths and suppositions they heard from a kid who heard it from a kid who heard it from his big brother, who was just as clueless as the were, but nonetheless passed it off as the sage wisdom of adolescence, thereby creating a confusing mythology of carnal dogma.

In other words, they think about sex a lot, even at the tender age of 9. And they want to know what it's all about. Though I have tried very hard to promote and encourage frank discussion about sex, I guess there are some things you just don't want to talk to your Mom about, an affinity for boobs being high on that list.

So now my son is 11 and it's very clear that girls are on his mind a lot. He had a sleepover for his birthday and when they thought I wasn't listening, the discussion alternated between girls, sports, and girls.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea that my son is entering a phase of his life in which girls and sex will be a primary and constant consideration. But I can't be rushed. This is my baby. I don't want to think about him getting to first base, or second, or locking himself in the bathroom for extended periods of time and why. Ick.

But sometimes a thing happens that illustrates very clearly that there is no escaping his slow descent into the male mindset. For example:

Today we were eating dinner at a local sports bar type establishment. Seated near us was a group of motorcycle enthusiasts. They looked just how you expect motorcycle enthusiasts to look. My boys were suitably impressed and highly intrigued. They stole glances at the group throughout our whole meal, a circustance to which I'm sure they were accustomed.

As they were leaving, one of the women strolled past our table on her way to and from the restroom. She was sssssmokin. (Girls can say that about other girls.) She was probably mid to late forties, but she had an incredible figure, and her clothes were obviously chosen to emphasize that fact. Her breasts were undeniably fake, but it was a very good job. All of my boys, even Diiminutive One, noticed her.

Hubby and I discussed the fact that she had "had work done", unaware that oldest son was listening. He asked what we meant by "had work done" and I told him that she had breast implants. Hey..I want him to know the difference between the real thing and silicone, okay? He, understandably, wanted to know how such a thing was accomplished and I described the process as matter of factly as possible.

His reaction was pretty strong. With reddening cheeks and a look of sheer horror on his face, he asked,

"Why the hell would someone want to do that??"

That's my boy!!! I was so proud of him that I let the profanity slide.

"Jeez, bigger isn't always better." he said with disgust.

Again, I was filled with pride at his maturity and his wisdom. I just knew I would never have to face the prospect of having a daughter in law who resembled a blow up doll. Until he said,

"Perkiness is much more important."

Just Shoot me now. Or at least give me enough Valium to see me through puberty.

16 Comments:

  • At 5:30 AM, Blogger MommaK said…

    Perky is way better. Hey- the kid is naturally bright. What can you say, right?

     
  • At 7:50 AM, Blogger kim said…

    My little pervert is 10. He started hiding the Victoria Secret catalogue in his underwear drawer. He's beginning the passage from boy to man and I hate it!

     
  • At 12:04 PM, Blogger MrsFortune said…

    Oh my, I certainly remember being interested in that stuff at 9 and 10, so, I agree with your hubby (even though I'm not a guy). But I have to say, I do agree with him, perkiness is better. And you can have some of my left over meds.

     
  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Oh wow, that does seem really young... until you think about the age that girls start to become interested in boys. I feel for you, but your son sounds like he's really got it together.

    Perky is better.

     
  • At 3:57 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said…

    Ha! (boobs.com....Oh my goodness LOL) But it sounds like you've got a rational, mature method of handling these issues.

    My younger brother would hide a Victoria's Secret magazine under his mattress in middle school. My mom found it when she was changing his sheets. LOL I don't know if they ever talked of these issues, but he turned out okay. :)

     
  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger sunshine scribe said…

    Wow ... 9 ... as a mother of a son, I am rendered speechless and now scared shitless!

    But I have to say he is smart .. perky is better ... you gotta give him that :)

     
  • At 9:10 PM, Anonymous Wendy said…

    omg....frightening AND hilarious....so this is my future. and I'm scared

     
  • At 9:20 PM, Anonymous Izzy said…

    Ah geez...you're writing about stuff I'm dreading to deal with. But it sounds like you're doing a bang-up job :)

     
  • At 11:46 PM, Blogger Antique Mommy said…

    This post scared the puddin' outta me. My son is two. When he's 9, I'll be 53. I guess 9 is the new 13. Let's hope in seven years 53 will be the new 25.

     
  • At 1:03 AM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    He sounds precocious and wonderful, no doubt because your parenting decisions seem spot on. (Mind if I model mine after you?)

    As a kid my parents allowed us to read anything that was in the house. They so demystified the Playboys that when my five year-old brother and his friend stumbled upon the stacks, my brother shrugged them off saying, "eh, I've seen them." But the computer? That's a whole new world. A lot worse stuff in there than a half-naked coed with a yield sign over her vajoojee.

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous reluctant housewife said…

    Oh wow.

    You have shown me the future. I hope I can handle it as well as you.

     
  • At 11:49 AM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Okay, you ladies with similar aged boys have made me feel better. I guess I'm not raising a sexual deviant after all.

    Those of you whose little ones are still lightyears away from this stuff, I didn't mean to scare you. It's really not that bad, and it's even kind of amusing in a stomach turning sort of way. You just got to keep your wits about you.

    Mom101, I think you totally hit the nail on the head. My parents were awesome parents, but we did not talk about sex much. Demystification is exactly what I'm trying to achieve. I hope it works.

     
  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger macboudica said…

    I totally feel your pain. I have two teens at home, and it is important to be frank with them (kids, whatever age--if they are old enough to ask they are old enough to learn) about sexual issues, however uncomfortable it makes you feel. When I was growing up, my mother was an authoritarian tyrant and taught us nothing. Because of that I was very unprepared for making good choices as a teen and had to learn things the hard way.

     
  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Thanks for your input! It's always helpful to hear from those who have already been through this, or are experiencing a different phase of it.

     
  • At 1:07 PM, Anonymous I know my drugs. said…

    Thorazine? Thorazine is an antipsychotic drug. unless you are schizophrenic (or have really bad hiccups, an off label us) why would you want thorazine?

     
  • At 1:24 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    LOL! My bad. I obviously *don't* know my drugs. I thought Thorazine was a sedative. Lesson learned: Always Google prescription drugs before including them in posts.

    Do you have a suggestion for an alternative?

     

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