Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Of No Particular Importance

I've been working hard on finalizing my funeral piece. There is a contest for personal narrative that I hope to enter, and the deadline is September 1st. All my brilliance has been poured into it and I have none left over to be erudite or amusing on my poor neglected blog. So, as has been my habit lately when I need blog filler, I will disgorge some of the exceedingly banal garbage that is tumbling around in my mind.

1. If one's husband takes one's children outside to play ball after supper, and one decides to sneak upstairs for a nice, peaceful shower, during which nobody yanks the shower curtain open to inquire if they may eat, drink, or play something, one might want to think twice. Because...a storm might come up out of a clear blue sky, in which case they will traipse inside and use the bathroom. All three of them. In succession. Thereby scalding the showeree like a freshly slaughtered hog in a barrell, while she flails about trying to wipe the soap out of her eyes with one hand, and frantically twisting the tap as far to the cold side as she possibly can with the other hoping against hope that the hot water heater was almost out of hot water anyway, what with the seventeen loads of laundry she did that afternoon. I'm just sayin.

2. My meat loaf tastes like cat food. I know this because my eight year old told me so while visibly gagging. The cats seem to disagree, however. They turned up their noses at it. I'm theorizing that they didn't realize it was actual meat because the smell was masked by the inch thick coating of ketchup that Diminutive One doused it in, trying to make it more palatable.

3. Why is it that the clicker always works just fine when I have both hands free, the boys with me, and the sun is shining, but when I am alone in a downpour with fourteen plastic shopping bags in my hands...nada? And why do I click the stupid thing 47 times instead of just using that notched metal object dangling from the clicker...whaddya call that thing? Oh yea...a KEY .

4. Bette Midler ROCKS, in every phase, every genre, every stage of her career. I recently downloaded her greatest hits CD,"Experience the Divine" and all day I've been singing "Ms. Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today....." However, the first track, "Hello in There", though beautifully arranged and brilliantly sung...is a huge downer. I am seriously considering downloading her "Rosemary Clooney Songbook" I am such a dork. An old dork.

5. The Highlight of my day was discovering that Tide now has Laundry Detergent in Vanilla Lavender scent. Now I can use matching Detergent, Fabric Softener and Dryer sheets and layer them all in a hedonistic cavalcade of aroma. I actually cavorted in the aisle at Target. Yes. Cavorted. Over Laundry Detergent. Again, d.o.r.k. Must...wash...something...

6. I bought a new purse today at Target with some birthday money. I haven't bought a new purse since I gave up the diaper bag. I carried the same boring brown satchel for over five years without really thinking about it. But suddenly, I am seeing all these fabulously cute purses, and desiring them. I mean, I was in need of a new purse, but how many purses can a person carry at once anyway? I have little evening bags for when we go out, and that has always worked fine. Why the sudden penchant for yummy purses?

7. Isaac Mizrahi is highly overrated in my opinion.

8. Why the hell are razor blades so expensive? $9 for 5? C'mon. I believe we hirsute women should stage a coup.

8. My oldest child started Middle School this year. The county is growing by leaps and bounds, and they cannot keep up with the influx. All the schools are filled to capacity. They have 9 new schools scheduled to open in the next five years, but here's a funny thing...They are not building them big enough to accomodate the number of students projected to attend them. My son's school is three weeks old, and already it is so overcrowded that the students have to eat in shift of 20 minutes. TWENTY MINUTES. That includes going through the lunch line. WTF? How is a kid supposed to eat his lunch in twenty minutes? How can a kid relaxe and unwind for a bit if he only has 20 minutes? There is no recess anymore, lunch is it.

My lunch period was an hour long when I was in Middle and High School, the same length as an average class period. We ate in shifts too, but they were hour long shifts. I'm really not very happy about that. The poor kid doesn't get home until 4:45, and he is STARVING. Of course they are not allowed to snack in class, or I would send him an apple or some granola bars to munch on.

9. I am woefully unprepared for Middle School "issues". I always said and thought that I would be more understanding than my parents were (and really, they were exceedingly fair about most stuff) but I'm not. It irritates me. Suddenly his (rather extensive) wardrobe is entirely unacceptable, his hair is wrong, and he carries the wrong kind of backpack. I, of course, am expected to find this as earth-shatteringly distressing as he, and run right out to rectify the matter(s) at my own expense, despite the fact that many of the clothes in his closet are unworn, some even with tags on, and he got a brand new Land's End backpack that cost $50 last year. The kid couldn't be bothered to comb his hair six months ago. I think I liked it better that way.

10. I received three hardcover books for my birthday. My husband feels like I got gypped. I am completely satisfied. Thrilled, even. I got a weekend off and dinner out to boot. What's not to be happy about?

Alright. I think that's enough puerile drivel to burden you with. I'll try to be more entertaining tomorrow.

6 Comments:

  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger MommaK said…

    I'm bracing for my first middle school experience as well. Let's hold each other's hands, okay?

    Happy belated birthday to you! What books did you get?

     
  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    YAY! Someone to commiserate with. I think Kvetch has a middle schooler this year as well. Hold hands? Clutch is more like it!

    I got Through a Glass Darkly, Book of the Dead, and The Queen's Man. Nothing really "heavy", just good bedtime reading. I already finished TAGD, and it was really good.

     
  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    #5 really cracked me up.

     
  • At 6:41 AM, Anonymous Kvetch said…

    Bravo, B.A.! Not only are you working on your story; but you blogged and made room in your head for more great ideas. I love that! And I love your blog. And I love that you cavorted with the Tide.

     
  • At 7:21 AM, Anonymous Marie said…

    no commiserating here about middle school. eldest went through it (and it was tempetuous at best) and younger son is finishing up this year. They changed to having middle school only 7th and 8th grade. I like that.

    I have a pretty good recipe for meatloaf if you're interested. my kids ASK for it. Go figure.

     
  • At 10:33 AM, Blogger Karyn said…

    I snag my meatloaf recipe from the Lipton Onion Soup Mix packet. I'm not proud of it, but it's yummy. The kids don't like it, but they don't like anything.

    Hear you loud and clear on the purse & laundry fetish. If you have birthday moola, go for it!

    And speak of aging dorks: If it makes you feel any better, I like Neil Diamond. There. I said it. The first time I've committed it to text.

     

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