Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Pavlov And The Pursuit of Titties

B.A is trying to be a kind and loving wife to husband, who has worked a long hard day and now must turn right back around and go to the ballpark for practice. She is also trying to assuage the guilt she feels due to the fact that her day was very relaxing.

B.A.(calling from Kitchen): Would you like a sandwich before you go honey?

Husband (wearily): No thanks, baby. I just want to sit here for a minute.

B.A.: Would you like a cup of coffee?

Husband: No thanks.

B.A.: Cold drink?

Husband: No thanks.

B.A.: Would you like a blow job?

Husband: No th...wait...what?

BA snickers to herself in the kitchen.


What???

Come on, don't tell me you never said "Snausage?" to the dog just to see how long the twin strands of drool would get before he licked his chops. Don't tell me you've never said "Ousside?" just to see him do that little ass dance. And you fully intended to follow through after you had your fun, right? So no harm done.

I could have said "toe job" or "snow job" and still his ears would have pricked (ha) up and his head cocked (double ha) sideways. Pavlov should have used men. Talk about a conditioned response.

In other news from this male dominated household...

Earlier today my Diminutive One asked me,

"Mom, howcome when boys are singing a song about girls, they're always saying they're sorry?"

I had no answer for him that didn't sound completely misandristic (yes, I had to look it up). I settled on...

"Well, honey, because, umm...being in love is hard, and umm...sometimes, people in love hurt each other's feelings, and, umm....

I am GREAT at this off the cuff stuff.

He interrupted me.

"Okay, I get it. I think I'll just have girlfriends but not be in love."

That, my dear, is called having your cake and eating it too, but that's another lesson for another day.

Pre-Pubescent One, meanwhile, is experimenting with the sexual vernacular that adolescent boys seem to relish so much. Today I heard him say "titties". I don't want my baby talking about titties. I don't want my baby thinking about titties. I don't want my baby to even know that titties exist.

When I told husband, there was flicker, a flash, a ghost of a smile, which he wisely suppressed in the face of my stony indignation.

Husband said "Baby, I hate to tell you this, but from here on out, it's all about the pursuit of titties. There's nothing you can do about it."

He's right. I know it. I don't like it.

"But can't we at least try to foster a healthy and respectful attitude toward women? They are BREASTS and they are for feeding an infant."

"Absolutely." says Husband with conviction. "But he's still going to call them titties."

SIGH.

10 Comments:

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    I am LAUGHING and NODDING, and COMISERATING. I am on your side. Funny post B.A.!

     
  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger Karyn said…

    Oh sweet Jesus.

    I am going to have a glass of wine and pretend that adolescence is very , very, unfathomably far off in the future.

     
  • At 9:48 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Instead of calling the dogs with the command I've taught them, my husband will yell "Treat!" to get the dogs to respond. So when I need something from my husband but he's ignoring me (you know, that selective hearing thing) I yell "Sex!". It gets his attention every time.

    :)

     
  • At 8:28 AM, Anonymous Kvetch said…

    That was GREAT. What a laugh! And I needed that! THANKS BA!

     
  • At 8:33 AM, Blogger lynsalyns said…

    I have a girl-baby.

    Oh, God. I'm putting her in the freezer RIGHT NOW.

     
  • At 10:15 AM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    LOL! And even when the BREASTS are used for feeding an infant you can get a reaction! My youngest (5 months) who is currently being BREASTfeed gets all excited and drooling when my DH starts yelling BOOBIES! Funny how they know how to get a response from someone so young!
    From another Mom of boys only...keep up the great writing!

     
  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    So funny!!

    I would tell Diminutive One that the whole sorry bit in songs? It's because the only time boys are moved to confess their emotions at all is when there's titties on the line--titties being withheld from them.

    Use your own language, of course.

     
  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    Very perceptive of your son, picking up the "sorry" stuff in songs. As for titties...oh my. Very very funny.

     
  • At 1:54 PM, Anonymous mothergoosemouse said…

    I snorted at the "titties" business, and had to explain to Tacy that men sometimes use a vulgar word to describe breasts.

    Thank god she didn't ask what that vulgar word was.

     
  • At 3:45 PM, Blogger Mazenbloo said…

    Oh. My. As a mother of 2 girls and one boy I'm freaked out from both sides of the spectrum! *shudder*

     

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