Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Open Letter to VIM

Dear Very Important Mom,

I get that you're a busy woman. I divine from your prominently displayed name badge, your holstered blackberry, your leather briefcase, your no-nonsense power suit, your sensible but stylish pumps and your tasteful jewelry, that you are no mere mortal Mom. My sixth sense (and the fact that you've checked your watch 10 times in five minutes) tells me that you have more important things to do than schlep your kid to a dentist appointment. I am duly impressed. Really.

As a woman who gets to venture into the grown up world every day, and might even have an honest to goodness water cooler around which to gather with your equally important co-workers, you are no doubt up to speed on current events.

As such, you may be aware that in the last two weeks, 9 children have lost their lives to gun violence in schools.

And yet....

You stood and argued with the front desk attendant for ten full minutes about the fact that you simply do not have time to go back to the car and retrieve your driver's license to prove that you are legally authorized to remove your child from the building. I parked right next to you. I know for a fact that it took us about 3.6 minutes to make our way inside. You wasted 6.4 minutes arguing that you are too busy to follow a protocol designed to keep your child and mine safe.

However, I suspect that you would be the first one to sue the pants off of the Board of Education were your child to be abducted, renamed Patience, and put in the breeding rotation for some wingnut fundamentalist with a Messiah complex.

You suck.

Here's the thing...I, like most other parents I know, am glad to be inconvenienced by these measures if it means keeping our children safe. I jump for joy when I am asked to empty my purse, even if the whole world sees my Tampax and Premsyn PMS. Metal Detector? Love it, even if I have to explain for the millionth time that I have a surgical steel clamp where my gall bladder used to be. I draw the line at a cavity search, but I'm not averse to a light frisking. Truthfully, it's the most excitement I'm likely to see on a weekday.

And handing over my I.D.? It's nothing. A Cake Walk. Three seconds out of my life.

We live on the outskirts of one of the 5 largest cities in the U.S. There are over 5 million people in the CSA (combined statistical area) of Metro Atlanta and over 600,000 people in our county alone. They are not all good, kind, decent people. Some of them want to hurt our children. Rape them, torture them, kill them.

If three seconds is too much time out of your day to prevent such a thing, perhaps you should consider employing someone for whom it is not such an inconvenience.

Also, the woman at the desk is just doing her job, which is, monitoring the flow of people in and out of the building, and accounting for the whereabouts of 1200 students. Calling her "attendance lady" in that sneering tone and reminding her that your taxes pay her salary was inexcusably pompous and rude.

So, please step out of the way and let me have three seconds to flash my I.D., collect my kid, and go. Because I may not have a conference call, or a power lunch, or a board meeting to go to, but I've got exactly 6 minutes before my other kid's bus arrives at my front door, a thirty minute drive in rush hour traffic to get to the dentist's office, and after that a mad dash to the ballpark for a 6:00 game. I have my own rat race to run, you see, albeit it in markedly less fashionable footwear.

And just so you know, that monstrosity you drive is an ecologists worst nigthmare.


The Mom who stuck out her tongue at the back of your head so that "attendance lady" would know that someone else found you to be a self-important shrew.


  • At 11:06 PM, Blogger Ms. Smoochy said…

    B.A. you rule. People like this really press my buttons. Reading about this woman got me all hot and bothered. I reminded me of an incident I witnessed last month. A woman I was behind at airport security pitched a fit because they confiscated her shampoo...on 9/11. It blew my mind.

  • At 6:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


    I probably would have made a Pointed Remark. "I'm so sorry that you have to deal with people like that. Do you get stress pay?"

  • At 6:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Seriously, why didn't I come here sooner? This is fantastic. Bravo.

  • At 8:32 AM, Blogger Karyn said…

    Yeah, what BA said.

    And ps, VIM: remove your fancy, shellacked, coiffure from your fancy, shellacked ass before you come in here again. Freak.

  • At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    BA, you rock. And the Attendance Lady thinks so too. I can't quite catch my breath after this last school shooting in Lancaster, PA, not far from where I grew up and even closer to where my ex went to medical school. Thanks for putting a spin on it, and making it a bit easier to swallow.

  • At 9:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Encore! Encore! You rule! Even as a mom working in the corporate jungle, I am glad for the inconveniences that keep my child safe! It's called getting your priorities straight. (try working with this types everyday!) I agree with everything you said and double it for very important dads.

  • At 9:45 AM, Blogger Sandra said…

    Three cheers for BA. You are the best.

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    You are attendance lady's Princess in Shining Armour!

    p.s. Read all of Part One on the train today and am sucked DEEPLY in... so much for that novel I was (pretending) to be reading...

  • At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…


  • At 3:59 PM, Blogger Kendra said…

    Bravo! It's a shame that the world is populated with WAAAY too many self-titled VIP's. I'm sure this one isn't the first, and most assuredly won't be the last, VIP the poor "attendance lady" will have to deal with.
    One would think people - especially parents! - would appreciate schools being super protective regarding the students' safety, but apparently some are more concerned about *their* lives.

  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    That's right, BA, stick it to her!

    Man I hate people like that. What a self-important shrew.

  • At 8:23 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Bless you. Even though I am kid-less, I am MORE THAN happy to go by these rules because it's for the greater good.

    What a dumbass that woman was. Glad you let the "attendance lady" (puh-lease) know you were in her corner!

  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger MrsFortune said…

    *Wild applause* from over here ... Someone in the blog world posted something about being that mom, or somewhat close to her, a while ago and I did point out what you pointed out. School secretaries have VERY VERY hard jobs!!! And I feel the same way when the 15-year old who works at the daycare at my gym makes me go back to my locker and get my membership card to take my son out of the facility, even if I am soaking wet, half-dressed, etc. FUCKING GRATEFUL AS HELL, that's how I feel, that someone who gets paid sh*t has the brains to make me give her ID before I take my son - even if I've dealt with her 15 times in the past. Good for her for doing her job.

    Sorry I wrote a novel!

  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger Dana a/k/a Sunshine said…

    Well said! I got your link from Sunshine Scribe's blog and wow, you can write! Really enjoyed that post and haven't we all been there? That was really good! I'll be back.


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