Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Fair Warning From Mama Bear

Pssst....Hey Kid....Yeah you...The moron with his ass crack showing. You with the ridiculous looking rectangle of hair underneath your lower lip. By the way, us gals call that a landing strip...you might want to rethink that look Dude.

Anyway...here's the thing...I'm highly skilled in the art of humiliation, son. You don't want to mess with me, or my kid. So, the next time you call my beautiful, sensitive, kind and gentle Pre-Pubescent One, "squirrel face" or "bucky" or "can opener" not only am I going to slap the taste right outta your mouth, I'm going to tell every girl in the 8th grade that you've got pubic lice. That's some heavy duty social sigma...some seriously bad mojo. And there is no cootie spray for that brother. You can forget third base until you're at least 25.

And why do you have to be such a mean little bastard anyway? Are you trying to make yourself feel better about the pimples, the clown feet, and the string bean physique? Listen, I know that it's tough, I've been there. But Dude, that's all temporary, I promise. There's no reason to fuck up every body else's adolescence because of it. Kids have killed themselves for less, and you don't want that on your conscience, believe me.

So, though I am trying to be understand where you're coming from, what you gotta understand that when you mess with my baby, the only thing I think about is wringing your scrawny little neck..if I can get my hands around that gargantuan Adam's apple...that is.

Right now, I'm doing the right thing. I'm telling him to ignore you, to take the high road, to turn the other cheek. But if you don't knock it off, eventually, I'm going to give him the go ahead to kick your ass. He may be a pacifist, and I know you see him as an easy target because of it. But he'll only take so much. And believe me, you don't want to take on a 5'3" 110 lb 11 year old who has been pushed too far. Ask the kid down the street who tried to hit him with a baseball bat last summer.

You seem to be a reasonably intelligent person when you're not making farting noises with your armpit or hocking loogies on the 6th graders, so I'm sure you can grasp that it's no more his fault that he has buck teeth than it is yours that you have unusually prominent brow ridges. He'll get braces and with any luck you'll evolve and everybody will be happy.

There's just no reason for the name calling.

So consider that fair warning. Leave my son alone, or I will make you sorry, you knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, Adam's Family Butler Looking little pissante.

Capice?

10 Comments:

  • At 6:44 PM, Blogger c2s Hayley said…

    *in best mobster voice* Ya mess wit da family, ya mess wit me...

    (OK, I think that came out more like gangsta rapper, but you get the picture).

    I'm totally with you on this one. Good on your for using blog-as-venting-tool, and for advising yr baby to take the high road.

     
  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Momish said…

    God, why are kids so mean! This post broke my heart and made me cheer! You tell 'em!!! Nobody messes with a woman's baby, is right! I hope he learns his lesson someday and is granted the wonderful trait of empathy. Sadly, it is one thing that seems missing in a lot of youth these days.

     
  • At 8:13 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    You have incredible restraint. I would be ballistic.

     
  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    That's right, Mama. If it comes to it youse got to lay dat smack down.

    Mean kids suck.

     
  • At 10:57 AM, Blogger Karyn said…

    Rock on, BA!

     
  • At 6:59 AM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    Go get him, mom!

     
  • At 9:40 AM, Blogger sunshine scribe said…

    Go BA!

    Mean kids are so toxic. Makes me crazy

     
  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger Slackermommy said…

    I hear ya, sista! My oldest has Tourette's. The first kid that makes fun of her will learn the biggest lesson of their life. I play nice until you mess with my kids.

     
  • At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hate those little bastards. I've heard that girls are even worse, if that's possible. As one who was horribly picked on as a child I hope the kid goes too far and get's his ass kicked. Unfortunately, this is generally the only way that bullys learn. Lurch was the name of the butler, just in case.

    ~Smoochy

     
  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger Mamma said…

    This Mamma has your back.

    We can all take him.

    Little sh*t!

     

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