Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Jig Is Up

If you think managing to have sex with an infant or toddler in the house is a feat of logistic and tactical genius, you are asbolutely right.

Mercifully, it does get easier. Eventually, one regains a semblance of one's sex drive, one is not so exhausted at the end of the day that it is all one can do to climb the stairs and collapse into a stained and crumpled heap amid the bedclothes, and one's breasts are no longer leaking, bloated vessels of comfort and sustenance for an adorable but parasitic infant. In short, one begins to feel human once more...enough so that copulation begins to seems like a good idea again, or at least...a somewhat less ridiculous and distasteful idea.

And for a while, all is well.

I loved being able to put my children to bed at the stroke of 7:00, sweet smelling and gratifyingly drowsy from their bath, while husband prepared a nice meal. We could drink some wine, watch a movie, then snog each other silly and still be in bed early enough that one of us could be reasonably focused and coherent when the boys awoke. For about 5 years we did this every Friday or Saturday night without fail. It was our time and it was the first time in a long time that we had the luxury of tending to our relationship.

And it was the first time in a long time that we could have sex without a child wailing, vomiting, or barging in at a perfectly inopportune moment. A mountain climber who chances to slip and fall mere feet from the summit could be no more frustrated than I have been at certain times when my children were small. And of course, the summit though still within reach, is not so easily regained when the manner of retreat is violent, abrupt and wholly involuntary.

So we thoroughly enjoyed our all too brief period of carnal liberty with licentious abandon.

But unfortunately, as the saying goes, the only constant is change, and change things did.

We now have a twelve year old. A twelve year old who knows things, thanks to our well intended but somewhat myopic and imprudent insistence on being open and frank about sexuality.

Now, settled as we are, moments of pure blinding lust are not so common as they once were. We have to work a little harder to ignite the passion that once burned so fiercely. But it's worth the effort. We tend to revel in the journey rather than hasten to the destination. And rather than mourn the loss of our former fervor, we celebrate the deeper connection and more profound satisfaction that is a result of our maturing taste and skill.

But sometimes that ferociously primitive hunger returns, often taking us completely unawares. We find ourselves in some wholly unsuitable situation, leering at one another, groping furtively and whispering naughty things. It is a purely physical need that is delicious and devastating.

Recently, we found ourselves in the midst of one such instance. Maybe the sun, moon and stars were all properly aligned. Maybe it was the dearth of snogging of late, due to the craziness of our lives and the various ills that we seem to be passing back and forth. Maybe it was hormonal. Perhaps my body was calling to his with that evolutionary secrecy...unheard, unseen, but deeply potent. Whatever the cause we were both powerfully horny at the same time.

That's something to celebrate, but unfortunately, with kids, its something that's not always possible to immediately alleviate. But we made the best of it. We spent the evening indulging in some good old fashioned flirting over the tops of our children's heads. And when bedtime finally rolled around for all of us, we cut short the usual niceties in our haste to be horizontal.

As I was tucking him in, Pre-Pubescent One asked me if he could "snuggle" with me. This is his way of asking if he can sleep with me, which is an indulgence I occasionally afford them on the weekends. Time will tell, I suppose, if I am raising the next generation of Norman Bateses, but in the meantime, I consider it an innocent enough pleasure.

Tonight, however, Mama had more than snuggling on her mind. We had the following conversation:

PPO: Mom, can I snuggle with you tonight?

BA: No, honey, not tonight.

PPO: Why not?

BA: Erm....because Dad is going to snuggle with me tonight.

PPO: Well...can I when you're, um....done?

BA: Done what?

PPO: You know....."snuggling".

There was an eye roll in his voice, though to his credit, his eyes did not in fact, roll. He had a bland look on his face that suggested he was trying very hard not to betray what he was thinking. The corner of his mouth twitched suspiciously, belying the innocence he was striving so hard to affect. And then, after a moment during which he put forth a Herculean effort to remain nonchalant, a bright red blush suffused his cheeks and his eyes dropped from mine.

Sweet Jesus.

My child was aware that we were planning to have sex. It was hard to judge who was more discomfitted, but I felt the lovely tingling anticipation I had been enjoying all evening disappear. It was abruptly replaced by a decided queasiness.

After the boys were tucked in bed, I headed into our bedroom were Husband was waiting with a predatory gleam in his eye.

BA: We can't have sex.

Husband: They'll be asleep in a few minutes.

BA: No, I mean, we can't have sex ever, until the boys leave home.

Husband: What? Why? What's going on?

BA: He knows.

Husband: Knows what?

BA: He knows we're having sex.

Husband: Well, um....yeah. He knows where babies come from, so....he knows we have sex.

BA: No, I mean, he knows we're having sex right now.

Husband was silent for a moment, clearly understanding the ramifications, and also, clearly judging the likelihood that the evening would end in some kind of sex taking place.

Huband: So, we're not going to do it because our son knows we're going to do it?

BA: Yes.

Husband: What if I go in there and tell him we're not going to do it?

BA: WHAT? NO! Then he'll know that I know he knows and he'll know that you're only saying we're not going to do it so he won't think we're doing it, when we really are doing it!

Husband: SIGH.....Baby...

BA: I just can't. It's wrong. I won't be able to enjoy it.

Husband (sotto voce): I will.

BA: You're sick.

Husband: I'm horny.

BA: You're telling me that it doesn't bother you at all that your son knows we're in here having sex?

Husband: We're not having sex.

BA: But you want to.

Husband: Yes, God help me, I do.

We did have sex. And I did enjoy it. And after a while, I forgot about Pre-Pubescent One. But I don't think sex will ever be as uninhibited as it was before.

I guess that's what those rent by the hour hotels are for.

Damn. And just when I was peaking too.


  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger Mysit said…

    Bless your heart. So far my boys haven't reached that awareness stage yet - that I know of. But that may just be because E has *finally* gotten over the shock of walking in on us when he was 2.

    If you makes you feel any better, in the long run, it will help them to have that background. We always knew when my folks were gettin busy because mom always put on the bellydancing music. It may have skeeved us out as tweens, but now I'm grateful to have always had that knowledge - that my folks loved each other enough to go in their room, lock the door, and crank up the bellydancin tunes. So really - g'head. Have fun. Know that you're really not scarrin your kids for life. Just giving them the best background for a healthy marriage.

  • At 10:09 AM, Blogger Amie Adams said…

    Crap! So what you're saying is that because I have a pre-pubescent one and two toddlers I'm totally hosed?

    Frankly, I don't think I would know my libido if it came up threw an orgasm at me.

    Ahh!! Parenthood!

  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger OhTheJoys said…

    That's hilarious. I routinely BUSTED my parent doing it.

  • At 12:51 PM, Blogger Foofa said…

    What a scary thought. weekend afternoons are probably out of the question forever once there are kids. Man, I never thought about that.

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Sandra said…

    You are back!! You came back the day after I left. I can't believe I missed all this. I have so much to read to catch up on.

    Oh and this was insanely funny. Missed you. So. Much.

  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger Bea said…

    OH no. I fear that sex will become a thing of the past as soon as my kids are old enough to stay up later than 8 o'clock - because anytime after that hour, I'm just too tired.

  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger Rachelle said…

    So in other words, I'm in the GOLDEN YEARS right now and I'd better take advantage of it??? (My kids are 7 & 9.) Thanks for the advice! (And the laughs.)

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger J. Denae said…

    Soon after we finished "snuggling" one night - close to midnight - my 10-year-old knocked on the door, cleared her throat and said, "Um, when you have a minute my ear really hurts."
    I had the "crap, my kid knows what I was doing" combined with the "I was, erm, "snuggling" with my husband while she needed me!!!" It's all shame plus guilt.
    Don't worry, it will all come out in therapy later!

  • At 12:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LOL! I can relate. I remember when I first remarried. I had two kids 6 and 8. One morning over breakfast my daughter said, "Mom, did you have a stomachache last night?" I asked her why. She said, "I heard you moaning last night and thought you might be sick."


  • At 12:37 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    Sex? What is this "sex" you speak of?

    In all seriousness (yeah, like I'm not being serious with that last comment. Right.) this made me laugh out loud. You crack me up, lady.

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    OMG, you mean it doesn't get EASIER to have sex as they get older?!? We've had one kid or another in our bed for 6 years and have to have trists in our walk-in closet, downstairs couch, guest room, wherever. The idea of having sex in our bed again is a luxury; I didn't count of the 'cold shower' affect of having kids old enough to know what was going on!

  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger St Jude said…

    Oh they do leave home one day sweetie, then you get to take your time... you don't have any choice, everything goes a bit slower ;0}

  • At 10:43 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    Wow you just totally scared me for what's to come down the road. Far cry from the early days when we actually had sex with her in the bed with us. Oh yes we did.

    (She was really young. Don't call CPS on me)


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