Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Laying Blame

Sometimes I wish my husband was a superficial lookist asshole.

One of my closest friend's husband is. He's always chiding her for what she eats, how she looks, and her lack of self-discipline. He is not discreet or discriminating with his remarks either. He thinks nothing of making comments such as "Perhaps the grilled chicken would be a better choice for you." when other people are present. He doesn't usually even have the decency to lower his voice.

I would have kicked him to the curb years ago, and that's the least of the reasons, but my friend has grown accostomed to it. I'm not sure she even realizes how disrespectful and demeaning his behavior is.

However, for the 12 years that I have known her, she has pretty much maintained a healthy weight. How could she not with the constant reminders and unrelenting criticism?

In 2005, I lost around 50-60 pounds. That's strictly a guess. I did not weigh myself because I was focusing on inches rather than pounds. Inches proved to be a more reliable indicator of progress for me, while watching the scale was demoralizing and discouraging. But I went from a size 22 to a size 12, and I was eyeing size 10 with aniticpation, counting the days until I could once again squeeze my multipara behind into my prepartum clothes.

In 2006, I became complacent and lazy and put quite a bit of it back on, although not quite all of it. I was able to slam the brakes on my indulgence and apathy before I had to graduate to plus sizes once again.

See...if I had a husband like my friend's husband, I probably wouldn't have allowed that to happen.

But noooooooo, not my husband. Instead, he has to be accepting, supportive, complimentary. He has to love me unconditionally. He has to tell me how beautiful I am and mean it. The bastard.

Even immediately post-partum, when my blissfully empty belly looked like an albino elephant's backend and my hugely swollen breasts were subject to bouts of sudden, unexpected bursts of jet propelled milk expulsion, much like that from a novelty lapel pin and during which, anybody standing near by was at risk of being drenched by an errant stream.

Even when I had such dark smudges under my eyes that it looked as if I was a victim of domestic violence. Even when I forgot to brush my hair and my teeth for days on end. Even when I smelled like a combination of sour milk, baby poop, and Preparation H.

He still fondled my behind, nuzzled my neck, and propositioned me regularly. The insensitive son of a bitch.

Un. Believable.

After Diminutive One was born, my body looked and felt completely alien to me. I would look in the mirror and marvel at just how thoroughly my pregnancies had ravaged me. Because I am very short, (5'4") and had very large babies (PPO, born at 34 weeks, weighed 6lbs, DO, born at full term, weighed 9lbs 5oz.) the muscles of my skin and stomach had borne the brunt and now told the tale.

Pregnancy, combined with many sleepless nights and worry over an infant born with a hole in his heart and a severe case of reflux, and, a successful attempt to quit smoking cold turkey at the beginning of my pregnancy...caused the pounds to pile on.

There was a pinnacle moment when Diminutive One was in Kindergarten that made me realize I had to do something about it. You can read about it here.
And I did.

I was so proud of myself. I had a healthier mental outlook, more energy. I felt strong, powerful. My body was no longer a prison, it was a well tuned machine. And I just let it go to hell.

After much thought, I've decided it is all my husband's fault for never telling me my ass was going to need it's own zipcode soon, or that my knees were growing moss due to the shadow my stomach cast upon them. The unreliable horse's ass.

But, it's okay. I've learned that I have to motivate myself, and that the only person for whom I can live a healthier lifestyle is myself. I can't do it to please him, or to fit society's ill-conceived and unrealistic standard of beauty. I have to do it for me, so that I can feel good and strong, and healthy.

But that's not to say that I don't rely on a little external motivation now and then.

I've recently started exercising again, and have achieved my first short term goal of six weeks of exercising every, single day. And I'm really proud of myself. I feel inspired, motivated, happy. I haven't seen any huge changes yet, but my pants are fitting better, my bras don't pinch my armpit fat anymore, and my stomach is slowly, slowly losing that elephantine quality. I think I can go the distance this time.

But...just to make sure, I've bought myself a little insurance.

Behold.




It's a circa 1950's Beaumelle Original wiggle dress.


I obviously have a thing for vintage clothing, but I haven't bought much because what point is there in having it if you can't wear it? Since my husband can't be bothered to tactless and critical, the this dress will serve as my inspiration.

And when I wear it to his semi-formal Christmas party, he'll just have to deal with all the other husbands staring at me. I just hope that for once, he can bring himself to be insanely jealous and ridiculously suspicious and act accordingly.

The trusting, level-headed jerkoff.

25 Comments:

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    I know it's cliche and all but...

    You go, girl!

    I love that dress. It's beautiful. And with that conviction you'll be beautiful in it. Although, I'm sure you already are.

     
  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Jamie said…

    Great post. I love your writing style.

    12 years with a discriminating asshole huh? Wow.

    Good for you! 6 weeks every day! The dress is stunning.

    Jamie

     
  • At 3:11 PM, Blogger Avalon said…

    Great dress. My princess has a thing for vintage dresses. She found one in a consigment shop as a high school Sophomore, saved it until Senior year and wore it to her prom, complete with to-the-elbow gloves.

    Hope the hubby is thrilled with the look.

     
  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger Day said…

    What an awesome dress. You are going to be one hot mama. I just found out I was pregnant. So, no hot dresses for me.

     
  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger Rachelle said…

    Wow, the dress is awesome... and it's a brilliant idea to have it as motivation! Sorry about your stupidly sensitive and caring husband. It's like he wants to stay married to you or something.

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger Mamma said…

    These men of ours...all loving and supportive! Bastards!!!

    That dress is beautiful, and so are you.

    If all else fails, just let me know and I can email you every day and ask if you should be eating the chicken instead. You can ping me back with "drop the chocolate!"

     
  • At 9:44 PM, Blogger jen said…

    your husband sounds perfectly perfect. and GOOD for you.

    now come and kick me in the ass so I get on the same page.

     
  • At 4:20 AM, Blogger jchevais said…

    That dress is amazing! You Go! Girl!

     
  • At 6:55 AM, Anonymous Antique Mommy said…

    Just a few thoughts.

    If I were your friend - I'd order the chicken sandwich and then throw it at him from across the table. And then order dessert.

    Love, love, love the wiggle dress. If I had that dress I'd wear every day.

    5'4 is short? Damn! You mean I'm short??

     
  • At 7:16 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Wow, that dress is gorgeous! Your husband sounds awesome and you sound like your head is in a good place. Can't wait to see the photo of you rocking that dress this winter!

     
  • At 7:44 AM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    Can I borrow it for New Year's?

     
  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger Rock the Cradle said…

    Oh My God.

    THAT is possibly the most gorgeous dress EVAH.

    What a fabulous motivator...I used my dress for my sister's wedding as a motivator and it worked like a charm (to use another cliche).

    I love vintage fashion. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong generation...my taste in dresses runs more for the fashion of the 20's than the 2000's.

    As for your husband, suffer grrl, suffer. Lucky wench.

     
  • At 8:32 AM, Blogger Code Yellow Mom said…

    I have the same kind of husband as you do. Sucks.

    This line, "blissfully empty belly looked like an albino elephant's backend" - I was just talking about that yesterday, but could not articulate the look and feel of that particular aspect of postpartum bliss that's awaiting me in a couple months. :)

    That dress is FABULOUS.

    And I so admire your weight-loss/inch-loss successes. I have yet to do it once. You go!

     
  • At 8:43 AM, Anonymous mischief said…

    You're hubby is cool. Great post. And I LOVE that dress!

    I have a motivation to lose weight, too, and it's working. I want to be thinner/in better shape when I meet M. ;-)

     
  • At 9:12 AM, Blogger gingajoy said…

    I second Mrs Chicky's cliche, and also want to tell you that I actually really needed to read this post (and the one you linked to) today. This is *exactly* the attitude we need to have, and it's not about pleasing our men (my husband is as much of a non-lookist asshole as yours is;-)

    That dress is KILLER!!!!

    I am 5 months postpartum myself. At first, when Sam hit 6 weeks, I was hitting the gym with gusto. Pilates classes were working their magic. Then each family member got sick--multiple times--and the gym time slipped away. Now we're relatively healthy and I am still sitting on my ass all day at work in front of this computer (uhm...working.) My stomach is getting flabbier each day, and the clothes tighter... I keep telling myself, *must* get to the gym. I am going to do my damndest to make that happen this week. (Because I am also not willing to give up good food and wine--well, not too much).

    5 foot 4 is NOT short, btw! (says this 5 foot 4 lady;-)) It's perfectly average!

     
  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger Natalie said…

    That dress is fantastic. You have wonderful taste. Oh, I'm 5', you're tall.

     
  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous AA said…

    So glad you posted a pic of the dress. It's fab! Can't wait until you post a picture of you in it!

     
  • At 12:15 PM, Anonymous Andrea said…

    I'm a size 20 now and it was beginning to get uncomfortably tight. I've already made the decision to give up the poor choices and make myself healthy. For me.

    Your post couldn't have been any more timely for me. I am now where you were when you started. I hope soon to be where you are now. And happier, healthier, and livelier for it. In fact, I'm just putting the finishing touches on a post about this very thing myself.

     
  • At 12:25 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    That dress is HOT. You can do it!

     
  • At 2:35 PM, Blogger Kirdy said…

    I dated a superficial asshole. Can I imagine being married to one? Hell to the no.

    Good on you for the incentive. I need to find one of those that isn't food or drink related. ;)

     
  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger Lainey-Paney said…

    So are you looking for demeaning & insensitive comments about your weight?

    "Hey you big fat cow---put the cheeseburger down & hit the gym!"

    ...yeah, that just sounds so mean.


    Good luck in your weight loss.
    And...fabulous dress!

     
  • At 2:55 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    That dress is fantastic! I totally looooove it.

     
  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger Bon said…

    okay, that's a beautiful dress.

    you tell that loving, supportive husband to kick your ass. ;)

    oh, and the elephantine description of your postpartum stomach made me spit popcorn on my screen. i like that. i'll be back.

     
  • At 9:28 PM, Anonymous doodaddy said…

    I don't know -- sometimes critical lookist spouses can cause exactly the reverse to happen. My brother-in-law is always criticized by his wife (in public) about his weight, food choices, etc., and I think it makes him make worse choices, not better...

    Loving support, that's the ticket. Way to go, Mr. Antagonist!

     
  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger Sandra said…

    Love that dress. You'll look stunning. And hubby's jaw will drop with way more than acceptance :)

     

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