Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Bitchy Is the New Funny

I am not funny.

I am dry, ascerbic, ironic, sarcastic. But not really funny in a side splitting laugh out loud kind of way. That's okay. Husband is the same way, so we get one another.

Unfortunately, as the kids get older, they are starting to get us too.

Sometimes, in some ways, that's kind of cool.

The other day at dinner, Diminutive One, always in motion, was perched upon one knee, precariously balanced on his chair, bent over his plate shovelling food into his mouth as fast as he could.

"Diminutive One, sit in your chair properly. We do not hunch over our food like an animal over its kill."

Pre Pubescent One said appreciatively, "Wow, Mom, good analogy!"

I felt strangely gratified and also kind of warm and fuzzy at the realization that he possessed a similar sense of humor, as well as the intelligence with which to recognize and understand its subtleties.

But occasionally I forget that my kids are getting old enough to grasp the nuances of sarcasm.

It used to be that Husband and I could remark back and forth over their heads without them having any real idea of whom or what we were discussing. Not anymore. Now we have to censor ourselves carefully. We have to save the really unsavory commentary for when we are alone. We have to set a good example.

And that's sometimes not so cool. Or so easy.

The other day in the car, we were behind a woman in an SUV who was talking on the phone. This is one of my HUGE pet peeves and the boys know it well, so I suppose they were already attuned to what I might say. This woman, as it happened, was swerving from lane to lane, often straddling the center line for minutes at a time.

I'm very verbal behind the wheel to begin with. It's really one of my worst habits. I grumble. I castigate. I swear.

So when I encounter someone who is endangering everyone around them simply because they can't be bothered to SHUT THEIR PIE HOLE and drive, it's simply beyond me to withhold my scorn.

Deepening my voice and affecting a distinctive radio announcer cadence, I said,

"Contestant #1 in the big honkin SUV...Choose a lane any lane! Choose carefully as your prize will depend upon the lane you choose! Will it be a functional but stylish cervical collar, or the always fashionable body cast? Take your time, but remember, you lose valuable mortality points for every moment you spend straddling the center line! If you lose all your points, you'll end up in the graveyard, and only a golden defribrilator can ressurect you!"

I was sort of caught up in my own cleverness, really enjoying the mockery, when I heard a snort from the backseat.

I looked in the rearview mirror to find Pre-Pubescent one smirking at me.

"What?" I demanded.

"That was really funny Mom."

I smiled and again felt very gratified that my son had recognized and appreciated my wit.

Then he said,

"Bitchy, but very funny."

"Bitchy???" I huffed. "That woman is going to kill somebody!!"

"Chill Mom. Did you ever hear of road rage? Jeez."


So you see how this newfound perceptiveness of theirs can be a double-edged sword.

Note to self: Ground PPO from video games for saying "bitchy".
Note to readers: I'm being sarcastic again. He won't be actually getting grounded.


  • At 6:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    We spell out certain things to go over the sweet little head of our 3YO thinking that we are being so very clever. Yet somehow he always knows exactly what we are talking about. Kids are extremely perceptive.

  • At 6:44 AM, Blogger Code Yellow Mom said…

    VERY funny. And rough when you have kids who don't miss a trick. :)

  • At 8:20 AM, Blogger Kerry McKibbins said…

    That's great.
    My son seems to have inherited the sarcasm gene from me AND he's become quite a age 11.
    As for road rage, darling son made a graph for me an put it on the fridge. It was a graph of my road rage. My goal was to get it as low as possible. It worked and now I only mutter under my breath.

  • At 10:01 AM, Blogger Amie Adams said…

    That is FU-NNY! Those are some smart boys.

    They must take after their momma.

  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger Cinnamon Girl said…

    Bitchy rules =)

  • At 10:43 AM, Blogger Liv said…

    Isn't it amazing when your kids start to really get it? And, after all, the sarcasm is probably genetic.

    Grounding for bitchy? Wow, hardcore!

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger Girlplustwo said…

    wow. i think bitchy is ok..but am so glad i don't have to worry about this just yet. at least i have you and others to learn from before i get there.

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm so with you on this one! Our oldest was an early speller - we had to stop spelling out words in front of him by the time he was three. And the youngest has definitely inherited my sense of humor, and my skepticism. Scares me sometimes when he says stuff, but then I realize that he's repeating ME.

    Thank you for expressing the humor in life's situations.

  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Sandra said…

    Ohhh I love this story. It made me smile a big smile. Your kids are as clever, funny and perceptive as their mama it seems!

  • At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oy, I know I'm going to have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when my kid(s) get that age where they can follow along. It's going to be really difficult because I usually have no self-control button to push and keep my own piehole shut. Stuff just flies out of it, especially when I'm driving.

    Your kids are as smart as their mama, it seems.

  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger OhTheJoys said…

    I am very verbal behind the wheel and love when The Mayor yells, "C'MON PEOPLE!!" at red lights.

  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger Foofa said…

    I am really bad at censoring myself. I fear this type of thing happening to my unborn children but even worse.

  • At 11:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    did the SUV have a jesus fish on the rear? or a W sticker?

    of course it did.

  • At 7:22 AM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    That's the kind of humor I like! It's the kind that will occasionally get you in trouble, but still, I like it.

    I'll take what's behind curtain number 2, Bob. The 24 hour morphine drip and the catheter.

  • At 10:24 PM, Blogger jean said…

    I liked this, alot. The last part "note to self" was the part that just had me laughing hardest.

  • At 8:25 AM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    Biatchy is the way, baby. (as long as it's funny. and you are!)

  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger Lady Tramaine said…

    That was hysterical! And not in the sarcastic way - seriously! I love reading your blog!

  • At 1:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Love it!


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