Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Women Are from Venus, Men are from the planet Hypersex

Today, I am getting a taste of what it must be like to be male.

I can't stop thinking about sex.

This is highly unusual for me.

For all of our married life, Husband and I have had gloriously mismatched libidos. I realize that this is not uncommon, but in our case, the degree of disparity was so marked that it became by far, the predominant issue in our marriage. And when the kids came along, it only got worse, especially during Diminutive One's infancy and toddlerhood, which was especially exhausting for me.

Sex became a chore. One more responsibility weighing on my shoulders. One more need to see to before I collapsed into a crumpled heap amid the bed clothes, not having bothered to brush or disrobe.

I began to resent Husband's constant demands. He began to resent that everyone and everything else took precedence over him.

It became a big problem.

But we managed to work through it. We've always been pretty good at communicating and eventually, we began to make some headway.

He realized that I felt overwhelmed and angry when he added another obligation to my lengthy list of responsibilties. He begant o understand that his entreaties for me to engage in sex with him when I was not in the mood reduced it to an empty, meaningless act for me. He had never considered that I might feel degraded or cheapened by that.

I began to realize that for him, sex was a way of getting close to me, not just physically, but emotionally. The commonly accepted wisdom is that women cannot separate sex and love, but I think that is a huge misconception. It's men who equate sex with love. Therefore, rejecting a sexual overature from my husband was a rejection of him as a person and a rejection of his love. It took me a really long time to get that, but eventually I realized that it wasn't just a ploy to get more sex.

So these days, we still have hugely differing sexual appetites. BUT...we've learned to compromise. I no longer see having sex when I'm not in the mood as the equivalent of a hooker performing a service. I see it as a wife doing something nice for her husband because she loves him.

He is more understanding when I have a headache, or I'm tired, or I have reached my need fulfillment threshold for the day. He doesn't pout or sulk because he has realized that a headache is really a headache, and not a barometer of my feelings for him.

That is not to say that he has not been patiently biding his time until I reach my sexual peak. He supposes that it should be happening aaaaaaaaaaany day now.

So, I think today might be the day.

Completely contrary to my customary inclinations, I am thoroughly and completely consumed with all things sexual. I can't seem to stop thinking about it. And it's agony. If this is what men go through their whole lives...well, all I can say is...those poor wretched bastards.

And I also find that I am a little disconcerted by the possibility that Husband will turn me down. I've never been in the position of being the aggressor before, and I find myself completely preoccupied with the fear that he will say NO. It's a thoroughly irrational fear, but it's definitely giving me a taste of his medicine.

It's all good though. I've gained some perspective. I won't say I'll never turn him down again, but...I might think about it a little harder before I do.

So, in honor of my newfound libido, and to keep me from molesting the meter reader, who is, at this very moment, poised over my meter in a most tantalizing manner, the insufferable tease (Don't defend him. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing), I'm going to list some of my unconventional fantasy men.

I have a tendency to crush on quirky, interesting and unique men. Not that I would toss George Clooney out of bed mind you, but it's more likely that George Costanza would catch my eye first.

Without further ado I give you:

Old Guys I Would Have Sex With:

  • Sean Connery
    (Yes, I know he's a mysoginist. But I don't care. I want him to brogue me baby.)


  • Sam Elliott. (He can give me a voice job any time.)


  • Anthony Hopkins (He can eat my er, liver any time.)


  • Morgan Freeman
    (He will always and forever be Easy Reader to me, and something about that Fro and those tight bell bottomed jeans.....)


  • Patrick Stewart
    (I can't even watch Star Trek because I just about swoon when he says..."Come.")


  • Hugh Laurie
    (He's not that much older than me, but he'll do just fine for my doctor fantasies)


  • Michael Caine (Blame It on Rio. Nuff said)


  • Sting (Young teacher, the subject of schoolgirl fantasies...)


  • William H. Macy
    (I can't even explain that one.)



Interesting, Quirky, Somewhat Fugly But Undeniably Magnetic Guys I Would Have Sex With:

  • Vin Diesel.
    (Besides the fact that he is purported to have a huge peen, again, it's the voice. Can't you just imagine him growling dirty things into your ear?)


  • Steve Buscemi
    (Something about small, angry, foul mouthed little men with bad teeth turns me on, I guess)


  • Tim Curry (But only as Frank N' Furter. There is something undspeakably erotic about a man in fishnets)


  • Steven Tyler.
    (He is so fantastically ugly that he's almost beautiful. That's the only way I can explain it)


  • Benicio Del Toro
    (again with the fantastically ugly, and because, he is Brat Pitt in twenty years.)


  • Christopher Walken (I don't know. He's just so odd...he fascinates me.)


  • Tim Roth (He is so GOOD at being BAD.)


  • Gary Oldman (He was so. freakin. sexy. as Dracula)


  • Stephen King (there is something undeniably sexy about genius)


  • Bill Gates (Ditto)



Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a cold shower and wait for my husband, who might decline just to spite me, but whom, it is more likely, will burst into song.

I'll be all....

"Ohhhhhh, sweet mystery of life at last I've found youuuuuuuuuuu"

And he'll be all...

"Bow Chicka Bow Ow"

Think pure thoughts...think pure thoughts....

18 Comments:

  • At 3:18 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    Oh my God is this hilarious!

    I mean, ehrm, sorry for your troubles today.

    But I can't stop laughing! What did you eat last night? Drink? Ingest? And where can I get me some of that, whatever it was?

    On a more serious note, thanks for your honesty. I think a lot of couples go through exactly the same thing but never realize that it's such a common problem.

    And Hugh Laurie? Sorry, BA, but he's all mine. ;)

     
  • At 3:21 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    Awesome!

    Del Toro & Oldman - totally.

    I have a recurring dream about Costanza - bleach. Sweaty AND hairy.

     
  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger Student of Life said…

    I'm ashamed to say I share the Vin Diesel thing. He disgusts me so badly, I disgust myself just thinking about him. He's just a specimen. A likely-unintelligent, bad-acting specimen, but a specimen nonetheless.

    As for the sex thing...I've always been into sex...EXCEPT late in my pregnancy and for the year after my son was born. During that time my husband started playing A LOT of online poker to occupy the time we normally would have been occupying each other's time. So imagine my surprise when my sex drive returned, and I found him at the computer! "Sorry, baby. I'm really deep in this tournament," he said. "If it had been any other time..."

    WTF?!? Turnabout is fair play I suppose. It still sucks when you're on the receiving...er...not-receiving...end of it!

     
  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger bubandpie said…

    Hehe. I've had that thought sometimes, too - that if men feel like this ALL THE TIME, I'd just as rather be a woman, thanks.

    But Hugh Laurie? Where do I sign up?

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger Simon said…

    I love your list but there is a glaring omission from it; ME!

    Do I live to tell the tale? :D

    Seriously though, I think you are right about us men equating sex and love. My reasoning is that, although there are some stunning ladies in this world, I don't think I could actually "do the deed" if it actually came to it. I don't have any real feelings for them so it simply isn't going to work.

    For what it's worth, my own little list of hot chicks would include -

    Helen Hunt - She's as good as it gets!
    Sigourney Weaver - I wanna be an alien
    Julia Roberts - Brokovich me
    Eleanor Bron and yes, I know she's 70, deal wit it!

    I can think of few blog authors that do things for me too. ;)

     
  • At 5:11 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    OMG, I've just been watching the Best of the Electric Company with the kids and almost blush when "Easy Reader" comes onto the screen! He is so sensual and flirty!

    I totally understand Hugh Laurie, although only of "House" fame. I caught him in part of Stuart Little and that was like a cold shower.

    Hope you get some tonight! I had a similar libido explosion yesterday and ravaged my husband, who was dog tired but performed admirably.

     
  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger Tinamtl said…

    I just found your blog - you scare me LOL But for some reason. I can't stop reading LOL LOL

     
  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Oh my scrod - Hugh Laurie. Swoon. Ooh Doctor, I've got it baaaaad.

    As for Steven Tyler, he was recently a patron of my sister's restaurant. She said he's even uglier than he used to be. And skinny. That means you could pick him up and do things to him. ;)

     
  • At 9:42 PM, Blogger WI Mommy said…

    This is why I love reading your blog - you took a major issue in our marriage too and made it HYSTERICAL!! Someone please explain what it is about Hugh Laurie...not my usual type at all but....well, you know!

     
  • At 8:50 AM, Anonymous Andrea said…

    I get every single one of your picks, except Steve Buscemi, but your reasoning made me laugh out loud. I got weird looks from the guy in the next cubicle.

    I would imagine that your initiating anything with your husband will surprise him and delight him to no end that he won't be turning you down until it gets old hat. And for them, it's NEVER old hat.

    My own list is fairly obvious and not that original: Orlando Bloom, Patrick Dempsey, Viggo Mortenson (Aragorn in Lord of the Rings, smokin hott!), and I hear ya on Hugh Laurie. I find men with accents incredibly sexy and I had no clue Hugh Laurie is English until he won an award for House sometime last year and I heard his acceptance speech. I melted.

     
  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous Andi/WeevilMaw said…

    Hilarious. I thought I was the big weirdo in that I totally have list too. It's constantly in revision. Have to keep myself occupied.

    I've got this thing about baby faces (Chris O'Donnell, Matt Damon, Brad Pitt, Matthew McConaughey-hey-hey) and chin dimples (John Travolta, Rod Stewart). But I also like the music guys (Dave Matthews, Johnny Reznick of the GooGooDolls, and Anthony Kiedis of RedHotChiliPeppers, Tim McGraw, Kenny Chesney, Keith Urban). I like me some country.

    I feel the way you do quite often, so I finally asked my husband about it and he said "yah pretty much, that's a normal day for us." Crap, every day all day that would be soooo draining. But the end results are certainly nice!

    Hope you get your fix(-;

     
  • At 10:35 AM, Blogger Christine said…

    Steve Martin. Jeff Goldbum (I've had a crush on him since eighth grade). Eddie Izzard. Lenny Kravitz. Anthony Kiedis (he once asked me out. I said no. GAH!). Nicholas Cage. Curtis Stone (how I would love to take home that chef!).

    Time to hit the shower!

     
  • At 12:31 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    Being turned down is the worst. But it is okay from all the turning down I did over the years.

     
  • At 1:50 PM, Anonymous Antique Mommy said…

    Good news here! We would not be fighting of the same men and that way we can remain BFFs 4-ever!

    In other news, you know what makes me hot for my hubs - when he helps me clean up the dishes, unload the diswasher, and get the kid into bed. Makes me much more receptive. Really. That's all it takes.

     
  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger jen said…

    too much, dude.

    Del Toro - any day of the week. Buscemi...well, now that is a longshot.

     
  • At 11:48 PM, Blogger Houses, Couches and Babies said…

    You are too funny. Being pregnant with a 2 year old, I am so glad to hear that you had the same experience I feel like I am having...and at least there is hope!

     
  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    LMAO -- Christopher Walken is top dog on my list. I freakin' LOVE him.

     
  • At 4:41 AM, Blogger jchevais said…

    I'd like to know what made the libido come back. This post sang the song of my married life and I'm pleased to know that my libido might see the light of day again.

    Thank you.

    (And thank you for your comment on my blog. It helped.)

     

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