Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Ack-SEN-choo-ate The Positive

Boyyyyyyyy...that was some whiney shizz-it yesterday...wunnit?

That's one of the pitfalls of blogging, and one upon which I have pontificated before. Blogging gives one a platform for voicing all kinds of self-inudglent mental excreta and emotional disgorgement.

Well, I am embarassed. I really should be more grateful for what I have and the life that I have been given. Because, upon reflection, I have actually had quite and amazing run of good luck recently. Really. I can't remember a time when I have had so many amazing and wonderful things happen to me in one month.

For instance...I won the British lottery. Seventeen times! What are the odds? I don't recall actually entering the British lottery, but I'm sure there's some explanation. It probably has to do with the fact that I have an @ sign in my email address.

And, in an unprecedented outpouring of affection, I have received e-cards from a friend, a family member, a former teacher, a long lost love, a public servant, a co-worker and my gynecologist. What a boost that gave me.

Not to mention, that there have been 28 searches for my name on Reunion.com. Who knew??? It just may be that long lost love, which totally explains the e-card.

Of course, it could be that asshat who stalked me in the 10th grade. He wore a fedora and a trenchcoat and for some reason, he thought it would be a good idea to re-enact the boombox scene from "Say Anything" for me. My mother was not amused and he was not John Cusack.

No...I'm certain it's the long lost love. It was definitely the long lost love. For sure. Probably. Most likely. Luckily, I can satisfy my curiosity for only $72.

In addition I have discovered, in the span of mere days, the secret to enhancing my breast AND my penis size, without surgery. I am assured that both forumlas are 100% safe and legal in Southeast Asia. AND, if I act now, I can have the Ancient Chinese secret to longer lasting erections.

Although I don't actually have a penis, I'm sure I have a correspondant anatomical structure upon which to slather this little miracle in a jar. I'm anxious to see what kind of transformation will result. Perhaps I will have to upgrade from my cute, capable little Rabbit to the sleek, powerful Kangaroo. (Don't go looking for it, I made that up.)

Also, I have had the good fortune to make the acquaintance of Mr. Ibrahim Tokunbo, who is an international financier and who currently resides in South Africa. He is being held prisoner because of his part in executing a political coup, (it was totally a misunderstanding) but he promised that immediately upon his release, he will not only repay my expenditure of $10,000 U.S Dollars, he will triple my investment in gratitude. That's not a bad return, ya'll.

In addition, I have been on the receiving end of several exceedingly hot and very hush hush stock tips. Just between you and me, with the South African thing and now this....I'm going to be rolling in it.

It's been an extremely educational month as well. I learned that I can crossstitch my way to tighter abs, get a highly respected college degree in three days, start a home business for only a dollar and never worry about embarassing odor again. I find that soap and Secret do a pretty good job of keeping the funk at bay, but you know what they say...you can never be too rich or too saturated with carcinogenic chemical compounds designed to perpetrate the illusion of good personal hygeine.

Of course, there was that unforunate incident with YouTube and the the homemade sex tape. Apparently, my face was completely visible. Oops.

And there was the fact that my eBay account, my Paypal account and my account at Compass Bank, (the one that is so secret even I didn't know about it) were all the target of attempted fraud. But thankfully, the customer service at those places is amazing.

I tell ya...those poeple are really on top of things. All I had to do is provide my bank account number, my social security number, the amount of my mortgage and car payments, my current salary, my monthly grocery expenditure, my children's country of birth, their social security numbers, a flow chart of my menstrual periods for the past year and my astrological sign...and they cleared all that right up for me.

But aside from that, as you can see, it's really been a stellar a month.

I should really try to focus more on the positive. And boy, there's been a lot of positive. A deluge of positive. A phalanx of positive. A cornocupia of positive.

I? Am a lucky, lucky person.

25 Comments:

  • At 6:47 AM, Anonymous Manda said…

    By far- this is the most insightful post I've ever laid my eyeballs on. You just made my day - by the way; I'm curious to know how your expierment turns out with the penis enlargement cream. ;0)

     
  • At 6:54 AM, Blogger Mary Alice said…

    You know how to look on the sunny side woman. I ought to look in my trash bin to see if I am missing out on all the love. Maybe somebody loves me too...always good to know if the sex tape has made it's way to You-tube....actually the one I'm most concerned about is grandma's sex tape. Yep. I told her it's never a good idea to do those at the home, ya just never know.

     
  • At 7:16 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    You and I definitely run in similar circles. I too have been courted by Ibrahim, have been offered some " enhancing" products, and have been the winner in several lotteries! Life, indeed is grand.

     
  • At 8:54 AM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

    The Kangaroo!

     
  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Wander said…

    Hill-Air-EE-Us! Thanks for the laugh this morning.

     
  • At 10:00 AM, Anonymous jennie said…

    Your stock tips do sound interesting. Last week, I received an email with stock tips from "Lord". Of course, I totally followed the instructions.

     
  • At 10:03 AM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    No apologies, babe.

     
  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Andrea said…

    We must bank at the same place. I got the fraud thing, too.

    Actually, I got a real fraud notice and it came in the mail to my house on bank letterhead. I tend to believe that one.

     
  • At 10:19 AM, Blogger Jenn said…

    Wow. Citibank must have been hacked; I hope they are keeping all of our personal info in a more safe place now.

    The sex tape thing? Been there, done that...fortunately, I got a message for low-cost payments on plastic surgery in Brazil, so once my face is altered, no one will know it was me anymore.

     
  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger Mimi aka pz5wjj said…

    LMAO!

    I actually think you've been reading my email...

     
  • At 12:27 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    I also have won the british lottery! Who knew? I knew I liked you, and now I know it's because you are rich and your penis is HUGE!!

     
  • At 1:34 PM, Blogger Rock the Cradle said…

    Sweat it not, grrlfriend.

     
  • At 2:41 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Wow. Congrats on winning the British lotto 17 times now. You lucky duck!

    So.... Can I borrow a few bucks. I need to buy some of that booby cream and I promise I'll use the rest to start a home business!

     
  • At 3:45 PM, Blogger cndymkr said…

    You know it's not nice to tease me about the new "kangaroo". I had my charge card out and was ready to toss my rabbit. Now I have to go eat some chocolate.
    jean

     
  • At 3:45 PM, Blogger Christine at Watch Me No Watch Me said…

    I'm calling you Pollyanna from now on.

     
  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger Jen M. said…

    Really? You actually had a boy do the boombox thing? Lucky.

     
  • At 5:13 PM, Blogger margalit said…

    I knew we must be separated at birth because we're on the same mailing lists. I have won not only the British lottery, but the Irish and the French lottery as well. Funny tho, I haven't seen a penny, punt or soux yet. Ah well. No problem. Because today I was asked to review an amazing product! Yes, I was. It's called Uncrustables. They're peanut butter and jelly sandwiches you keep in the freezer. They're made with white bread. They have no crusts.

    Now can you IMAGINE a better product for me to review? Really, can you?

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said…

    YOU TOO?????

    get out...that's just TOO BIZARRE!

    Who would've thunk that we had the same shizzle going on in our bulk-inizzle?

     
  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger thailandchani said…

    ROTFL! Very funny! Those emails are always amusing!


    Peace,

    ~Chani
    http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

     
  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger painted maypole said…

    ha ha ha

    this is not e-mail related, butbank rraudrelated. I know someone who, after her debit card was stolen, had someone call her claiming to be the bank, and saying that someone had turned in her card. but just to be sure it was hers, they needed her pin number, only give it them backwards, in case anyone was listening.

    You would think she would have hung up immediately, no?

    Instead, she gave it to them!!!

    As you can guess, her bank account was soon much depleted.

     
  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger Blogversary said…

    Just what I thought...your life does rock.

     
  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    I have tears in my eyes, that was funny! Lemonade from lemons, right? Or maybe some limoncello?

     
  • At 9:31 AM, Blogger jen said…

    babe, you are lucky. we are all lucky. and we are also entitled to complain sometimes. and wonder. it's how we get to the next chapter after all.

    and dude, i won that lottery too. at least 42 times. now THAT is luck.

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Lucky lucky lucky! Good for you for looking on the bright side of life (commence whistling).

     
  • At 1:38 PM, Anonymous pinks & Blues Girls said…

    I personally know an email is important if THE SUBJECT IS IN ALL CAPS AND SO LONG THAT MY COMPUTER CUTS IT OFF and indicates that my URGENT REPLY is needed.

    Other than that, my email just goes in the trash.

    Jane, Pinks & Blues Girls

     

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