Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Blue Screen Of Death

Last night, I got the dreaded blue screen of death.

If you've never seen the blue screen of death, you might not know how calamitous it actually is. But I do, and I did, long before I ever had the misfortune to stare into it's cold indigo emptiness myself.

My husband is a computer guy, you see, and has been for twenty plus years. In his circles, it is legend.

These days he pushes more paper than buttons on a keyboard (oh how he fought being fettered by the chains of management) but he's still got those techie instincts and he can still program circles around most of the young whippersnappers he supervises.

So, naturally, I've picked up a thing or two over the years. And though I am no where near his level of expertise...one thing I do know is that the blue screen of death means my computer is completely FUBAR.

I also know that it means and all bets are off as to whether anything will be salvageable.

In other words, I know just enough to be completely panic stricken when the blue screen of death appears.

I've had the perils of internet navigation relentlessly drilled into my head by husband. I know not to open attachments. I know the folly of injudicious downloading. I know about spyware and adware, and trojans and worms, and I know how they disguise themselves. I know all the tricks they use to coerce even the most sophisticated web dwellers into letting down their guard.

I am internet savvy godammnit.

And the fucker still got me.

Because you see...there is this moment...a moment when the hand, long accustomed to clicking away annoying ads and pesky prompts, is just a millisecond too fast for the brain, which is screaming....

NO YOU IDIOT!!!! DON'T FUCKING CLICK THAT BUUUUUUUUUUTTTTOOOOOOOON!!!!!!!

Whoops.

Fortunately, I also know how to deal with them, and so, when I realized what had happened, I set about doing all the things that my Sensei had taught me to do.

Except they didn't work.

This was one determined little virus. And an impervious little fucker to boot. I threw everything I had at it, determined to wrangle it into submission, or at least quarantine it until husband got home.

And then, suddenly, everything went blue, and I died just a little.

When husband came home I prostrated myself at his feet, begging him, pleading with him to do something, anything...but just please, for the love of God...SAVE MY WORD DOCUMENTS.

He sighed, and promised to do his best. Thanfully, he is a master of data retrieval and he managed to save my documents to a flash drive before rolling up his sleeves and tackling that persistent little sumbitch.

Four hours later my own personal in house tech support was red faced and swearing. He had a maniacal but determined look on his face. He would not be cowed by a mere virus, insidious though it may be.

I thought I heard him mutter "Yipee Ki-ay Motherfucker".

I baked Diminutive One's birthday cake while Sensei waged war againt the virus. Finally, he entered the kitchen with my laptop held aloft and expression of smug triumph tilting the corners of his mouth upward.

Well, either it was triumph, or he was mentally calculating just how many blow jobs he had earned with his feat of tehcno-heroism.

"I fixed it." he said.

"Really???? It won't self destruct if I boot it up?"

"Nope."

"No more blue screen of death?"

"No more blue screen of death."

"Cause that really scared me."

"I know baby."

He all but patted my head.

I gleefully booted it up and watched with joy and relief as the familair and friendly logo flickered into life on the screen.

I clicked here. I clicked there. I clicked until I had convinced myself that it was wholly, miraculously, gloriously restored.

"You? Rock." I said with reverence.

"I know." he said and shrugged to demonstrate that it was nothing to one such as he; imbued with the knowledge and secrets of the information superhighway.

Suddenly, my computer started emitting a sound that sounded very much like a sports broadcast, though no window was open and no video or audio format was activated.

"What. Is that??" I asked.

His look of smugness turned to one of sheepishness.

"Um. It sounds like some kind of sports broadcast."

"I know that." I said. "Where is it coming from?"

"I, ummm, I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I. Don't. Know. I went through everything with a fine tooth comb. It's clean as a whistle. And I've got your machine locked up tighter than Fort Knox. There is no reason for that to be happening."

"And yet it is."

He just nodded...perhaps accepting deep in his soul that the blowjob quotient had just decreased dramatically with that admission.

"Welllll...it's okay. I'll just...turn the speaker off for now."

"Okay" he said morosely.

"Honey?"

"Uh-huh."

"You still rock."

That seemed to really cheer him up a lot, and I was sort of touched that my opinion of him meant so much. And then I realized that loosely translated into man speak, "You still rock" means "I'll still give you a blow job because you tried so hard."

Well...conventional wisdom suggests that effort which goes unrewarded will simply cease, sooooo....as Jessica often says...Bow Chicka Bow Wow.....bow bow.

All in a day's work. His. And mine.

17 Comments:

  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger jen said…

    i find that husband of yours incredibly hot right now. a guy who can fix things. bow chicka bow wow, indeed.

     
  • At 12:00 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    So.Totally.Hot.

     
  • At 12:44 AM, Blogger Lara said…

    is it really awful that one of the things i miss most about being engaged is the in-house tech support?

    i promise i loved him for more than just his computer know-how. really.

     
  • At 6:08 AM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    Heh. I too have faced the blue screen of death, but not because of a virus.

    When Jack was two, he fell, and his body hit my laptop, and his body WON.

    I lost everything, and no one could ever get any of it back for me.

    So yeah, I'd say your husband rocks.

     
  • At 6:31 AM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    C,
    I am drowning in a disorganized life after too much travel and just getting back around the "sphere". (But you have linkety linky beckoned me - even though I've been keeping up in the reader.) I couldn't TAKE a blue screen of death right now. That would put me over the edge.

    btw - did you know Kristen Chase was moving here? I think she arrives today. Let's give those awesome toronto mommybloggers a sister city...

    Must see you soon.

    J

     
  • At 8:41 AM, Blogger bubandpie said…

    The blue screen of death is, apparently, a bit less final than the clicking of doom that signifies a broken hard drive.

    Just before I fell asleep last night, I suddenly remembered a document that I hadn't backed up before the crash, and realized that I'd thrown away my only paper copy. Sigh.

    Glad your story has a happier ending.

     
  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger Phoenix said…

    Get a mac, they have no blue screens of death.

    Although if you get the sad mac face, then you know your in trouble.

    Found your site by clicking around and I'm really happy I did. You post from the other day was amazing. Sad, made me cry, but awesome, just the same.

     
  • At 2:03 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    The blue screen of death is the worst. Well, actually, sparks flying out of the back of the computer because of a freak USB accident is worse. Then again, I didn't lose any files so maybe nothing is so bad as long as there is a tech guy somewhere nearby.

     
  • At 2:43 PM, Blogger Amy York said…

    I second the "get a mac" comment. We just got our first the other day and heart it very much!
    Have fun paying for your personal computer fixer. :)

     
  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger Kevin Charnas said…

    Ahh...he DOES rock. And so do you for saying so.

    Acknowledgement goes a long way...

    and so do blow jobs.

     
  • At 10:03 PM, Blogger Rebecca said…

    I giggled at this. A good solid chuckle.

    Jacob laughed. Out loud. Big belly shaking laughs that shook his side of the couch.

    Again, you're his favorite blogger.

     
  • At 7:20 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Awesome. I think my husband is going to email me a virus just for the payback!

    I once passed on a virus AT WORK. Imagine the horror of clicking on something and realizing that you have just sent every vendor, client and co-worker an email embedded with a virus. I died just a little that day.

     
  • At 5:37 PM, Blogger luckyzmom said…

    Whew....dodged that bullet!

     
  • At 6:34 PM, Anonymous sam said…

    Oh blue screen of death is terrifying. I've seriously been thinking about buy an external hard drive, just in case.

    Glad your hubby got it back for you!!

     
  • At 9:08 AM, Blogger jchevais said…

    My husband couldn't program his way out of a paper bag. The number of times he's told me that my laptop was a piece of shit... Oy. I don't know how many times I told him not to click on any pop ups. That eejit downloaded ad and spyware, making the computer impossible to use for surfing but it was my computer so my fault.

    Argh. The antithesis of pro blow job behaviour!

     
  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Mimi aka pz5wjj said…

    LOL! Your husband and my husband must be cut from the same cloth!

    He's still fighting the management chain tooth and nail... won't give up his programming no matter how much they beg him!

     
  • At 7:21 PM, Blogger Mamma said…

    Fix the blue screen and you fix the blue balls? Sounds like an even trade. ;)

     

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