Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Not Goodbye

Today, I have no heart to write anything clever, significant, or profound.

A friend is dying, having chosen to stop treatment for a virulent cancer that took him unawares 18 months ago at an age that makes me want to load my lungs with the fetid Southern air and scream UNFAIIIIRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

He has two small children, the youngest of whom was only 5 months old when his cancer was diagnosed. He has a wife who adores him, he has parents who are not ready to say good-bye, (are parents ever?) he has siblings who expected to grow old with him.

I won't make this post about extolling all his virtues, because that's terribly maudlin and not what he would want. Suffice it to say, that he is a genuinely good and kind person and the world will feel the loss of him.

There isn't much we can do from 900 miles away. I am cursing the impotence I feel. But in many ways, it has been much easier for Husband and I to reconcile ourselves to the possibility of losing him. They moved from here several years ago, and we have not seen them since Jim took sick. We have not had to watch as cancer ravaged his body.

We have the luxury of remembering him healthy, strong and vibrant.

I was their doula when Kate gave birth to their first child. In the delivery room, Jim went with the baby while the staff did all the stuff they insist on doing to newborn babies. I stayed with Kate and held her hand while they delivered the placenta and then stitched her up.

At one point, I looked over at Jim and the baby. He was gazing at her with such intense love and pride that I felt my heart squeeze. Those are the kind of moments that I miss now that I am no longer practicing. I feel so incredibly privileged to have shared that moment of intimacy with them.

Jim was so big and strong and she was such a tiny, pale pink that his strength and vitality seemed magnified. In that moment, nobody would have disputed that a man such as he was surely invinceable.

That is how I choose to remember him. I think, that is how he chooses to remember himself, and that is why he has chosen to let go.

Kate and Jim, everything about how the two of you have handled this fucked up thing called cancer is a testament to your love for one another, your commitment to your beatiful children, your strength, your dignity and your grace.

I don't know how to end this. I want to keep blabbering on about how unfair it all is.

I don't want to say good-bye, or Godspeed, or any of the other stuff that people say.

So I'll just say....Cancer is Stupid.


  • At 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    These are the times that even though I'm not always sure what I do or don't believe that I think prayer really works. It takes the burden off the soul by allowing us to offer some thoughts and feelings to whomever or whatever or just up into the air to land on the clouds.

    My thoughts go out to your friends and to all who will miss him, you included.


  • At 4:35 PM, Blogger nina said…

    I concur.

    My thoughts go out to him and his family and everyone one else who will be affected by his absence.

  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger Terri said…

    I'm so sad for your friends. Reading this makes me want to hug my kids, stop worrying about stupid stuff, and enjoy every minute of life. There are just no guarantees.

  • At 4:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am so sorry for you pain and sorrow. My heart is breaking for you and your friend and everyone that loves him. Cancer sucks and life is so unfair.

  • At 6:10 PM, Blogger said…

    Cancer is incredibly stupid. And mean.

    I am terribly sorry that your friend must suffer this unfairness. I send you my wishes for, well, peace, I guess...

  • At 6:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    When The Boyfriend was undergoing cancer treatments one of the oncolgy nurses wore a button on her scrubs that said "Cancer Sucks".

    Yes, it certainly does.

  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Cancer does suck. I could write a treatise on how much cancer sucks, but I don't need to. You already are feeling the effects. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

  • At 8:30 PM, Blogger Everydaytreats said…

    Cancer is stupid. What a touching tribute to a friend. You're a good person, BA.

  • At 9:15 PM, Blogger painted maypole said…

    Cancer indeed sucks. My husband's brother is dying from it, as well. That strong man you remember. That's Jim. Anything else is the cancer, and you are right not to want to remember it. Remember your friend, not the illness.

  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    Cancer sucks, and it's a rude, unfair, shitty driver.

    I am sorry.

  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    My heart is breaking for your friend and his family. I remember when you started writing about him and cancer at any age, especially someone so young, is incomprehensible. Cancer more than just sucks, it also blows and bites.

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Oh, sh*t, BA, it's so unfair.

    I'm sorry for him, and his spouse, and his children, and his family of origin.

    And for you.


  • At 9:43 PM, Blogger Girlplustwo said…

    cancer is a big stupid jackass.

    you are right, there are no words and i can't fathom it. any of it.

    i am so sorry for all of you.

  • At 11:03 PM, Blogger Carol said…

    What Cancer Cannot Do
    Author Unknown

    Cancer is so limited.
    It cannot cripple love.
    It cannot shatter hope.
    It cannot corrode faith.
    It cannot eat away peace.
    It cannot destroy confidence.
    It cannot kill friendship.
    It cannot shut out memories.
    It cannot silence courage.
    It cannot invade the soul.
    It cannot reduce eternal life.
    It cannot quench the spirit.

  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Cancer is stupid... I concur. What a fantastic gift that you have such a lovely memory of him and his family in their moment of intimacy. I hope your happy memories of good times spent together help you through the rough parts of your road ahead... Hang in there.

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    It is stupid. Stupid stupid stupid.

    I'm sorry, BA. So sorry.

  • At 6:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Cancer blows. It is unfair and just plain crappy. I am so sorry about your friend.

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger Ms. Skywalker said…

    And in the moment when you need them the most, finding even words have failed me.

    I'm sorry. For them. For you. For how freaking sucky cancer is.

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Cancer IS stupid. But, unfortunately, it is sneaky and doesn't play fair. I'm so sorry for your friend and his family, and most especially, his children.

  • At 7:35 AM, Blogger JChevais said…

    Cancer is a rotten goon.

    My thoughts are towards Jim, Kate and their children and I hope, above all, that Kate doesn't have to face Jim's final deterioration alone. I witnessed my dad's and I wish that I hadn't. Sigh.

  • At 9:30 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Peace to your family and Jim's. I hope that his transition is a peaceful one.

    And yes, cancer sucks hard.

  • At 9:51 AM, Blogger OhTheJoys said…

    I'm so sorry, B.A. That is so hard.

  • At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm so sorry. For him, for his family, for you... Cancer is stupid.

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Liv said…

    Cancer is rotten. Blessings to you and your friends during what can seem like an unbearable time. Love and light being sent your way!

  • At 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am someone who cares about Jim. I don't know what to say to him in his blog so I'm connecting with you instead because we share this sadness. I don't know what to do or say. I just feel really bad and pissed off. It appears that all the prayers that were offered were unheard or unanswered. Why I expected more I don't know.

    Anyway, thanks for caring about Jim.


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