Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

SMITE ME, OH MIGHTY SMITER!



Continuing in the same vein as my previous post, another thing I hear often here in the Bible Belt is that "The hand of God must have been upon you."

Example:

"Me'n Rita Mae got to the cellar just afore the tornayda hit."

"Goodness...the hand of God must have been upon you today!

or, conversely,

"I just cain't b'lieve I lost ALL the grocery money bettin' on Daryl Waltrip."

"Well, I do believe the hand of God must have been on you today."

Whether in beneficience or in judgement, the hand of God is, here in the South, a very real phenomenon.

And you know what? Today, I found myself almost believing that very thing. Because on the heels of what was an irreverent and somewhat snarky post, it seems as if the hand of God reached down and smacked me right on the bottom like an errant child.

My Mom and Dad, like most parents of their generation, spanked us occasionally. If it was a mild spanking, (and it usually was) we were sometimes told "That was just to get your attention."

As Diminutive One and I left his therapist's office, I put the van in reverse, took my foot off the brake, and

WHAM!!

Screeching metal, breaking glass and a child screaming. Confusion. Realization. Anger. And the odd and immediate sense that someone was trying to get my attention.

He succeeded.

God reached down in the form of a cocky young guy in a Lexus and smote me for my irreverence. Smote me good.

We're okay. There were no injuries. My van isn't damaged that badly, considering how hard we were hit. We were in a parking lot, but still the guy hit me hard enough to spin me 180 degrees to the right. I hadn't even begun backing out yet. I don't know how he managed to hit me. Was he talking on his phone? Fiddling with his iPod? Retrieving a dropped pen?

Diminutive One was badly shaken. Sitting in the back seat, he felt more of the impact than I did. And, he shares my unfortunate propensity for always extrapolating how much worse it could have been. Sure we're fine, but we could have been KILLED!

Well, in a parking lot, probably not, but you never know. He seems almost as excited by the prospect as he is horrified. And he is dying to tell the story at school today. But his night was long and sleepless, as was mine.

So, um, I get it, big G. Enough with the irreverent schtick. I hear ya loud and clear.

I didn't mean anything by it, I swear. I was just trying to be funny and provocative.

Clearly, you have every right to chasten those you feel deserving, but might I humbly suggest that there are a lot of other things that could use your attention right now?

Burma/Myanmar. Iran and Iraq. Gaza. The Sudan. Darfur. And right here in the U.S. there are people starving. Homeless. Struggling.

Not trying to tell you how to do your job, but, ummm....lots of stuff to address there, big G.

Oh, and...perhaps you could see fit to smite Ahmedinejad just a little? It has been said that his is merely a figurehead who lacks any real authority or power, but surely he deserves smiting simply because he is smug, smarmy and wholly lacking in human decency....no?


While I'm thinking about it, could you smite Bush just a little as well for vetoing the State Children's Health Insurance Program bill?

Just a little smite is all I'm asking. Juuuuuuust a little love tap like the one you gave me.

Get their attention. K?

Thanks.


Post Script for my more literal minded readers: This post was again, meant to be irreverent, somewhat humorous and a weensy bit sarcastic. I don't actually think God was punishing me for my post yesterday. I don't actually think God reads my blog. If there is, in fact, a God (jury's still out on that one for me) I don't believe he needs to. I would think omnipotence comes with certain advantages, after all.

22 Comments:

  • At 7:54 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    YIKES! I think I;d better keep my heathen-istic comments to myself from now on. Hey, did I just see a bolt of lightening.............

     
  • At 7:59 AM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    Don't blame God. Blame the dorkwipe in the Lexus.

     
  • At 8:00 AM, Anonymous Kvetch said…

    Yep, these are the lessons they don't teach you in Temple or church. And they couldn't if they tried!

     
  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger URBAN PEDESTRIAN said…

    Gee - you actually think God reads your blog? So, he's sorta lurking and instead of just posting a comment or two he arranges for a Lexus to smack into you? Talk about micro-managing.... because really, there are a lot more important things he should be attending to -- not that I'm saying your blog isn't important

     
  • At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Andrea said…

    Dude, Bush should have been smited (smitten? smote?) a looooooong time ago, if all it takes for you to have your attention rearranged is a teeny irreverent post about "Have a blessed day."

     
  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Amy York said…

    Glad you guys are Ok!

     
  • At 12:57 PM, Blogger liv said…

    In all seriousness, keep watching the little one for after effects. My little dude was silent for a long time on an accident he was in and then it all came out one day. :) Smile, hon, God loves you!

    (laughs devilishly)

     
  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger Alison said…

    I'm glad y'all are all right! (I'm Southern but I won't say the hand of God must have been on you.) Plus, I think God has a better sense of humor than we tend to believe.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Anonymous pgoodness said…

    I love this! And this? I don't believe he needs to. I would think omnipotence comes with certain advantages, after all. is the best line of all.

     
  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    *snort* I never knew that smote was the past tense of smite. You teach me things, oh wise and irreverent one....

     
  • At 2:10 PM, Anonymous mel from freak parade said…

    Oh, I'm so glad you are both ok. How scary.

    Oh, and have a blessed day!

     
  • At 2:48 PM, Blogger Vanessa said…

    Generally, I love a good smiting. The dumbass receptionist I hated got knowcked up and I actually laughed my ass off over it. I felt that was a good smiting. I then began the practice of taking 8 birth control pills a day in fear that I would be on the receiving end of a good smiting. God would SO do that to me and I would not have been happy.

     
  • At 3:35 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Yup - that argument of if there is a loving God why is there so much suffering in the world is the kicker. I believe in an almighty one cos I feel the human race needs something to believe in. BUT since the almighty one handed out free will along with the lurve, anything the humans do is our own smiting.
    My observation is that the human race is cracked. And I say it often.
    What else can you believe when you live a place where the sanity of the nation hangs on whether 15 men in black can win a ball game, hmmm?

     
  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Goddamn, that was scary

    *ducking from the lightning bolt that is sure to strike me for taking the lord's name in vain.*

    Hope there's no whiplash today.

     
  • At 7:36 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    Oh, poor DO!

    I'm so glad no one was hurt.

     
  • At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Kelley said…

    Loving the postscript!

    I should have done something similar when the other day fueled on litres of coffee and 3 hours shut eye, I waxed lyrical about Steve from Blues Clues being dead and dwarf planets. Sheesh, did the sheesh hit the fan!

    I don't think the mighty smiter was punishing you. He just wanted you to write about him again.

     
  • At 7:58 AM, Blogger jen said…

    i was thinking as i read this that there are plenty of other more smote worthy types should G be in the business of smote-ing...but then you went there yourself and it was like a little moment of kinship.

    or divine intervention. your call.

     
  • At 10:32 AM, Blogger thailandchani said…

    Funny how things work out.. but I agree with most of the others... God probably doesn't read any of our blogs.

    He probably gets a summary statement... sort of like a briefing at the CIA.

    :)


    Peace,

    ~Chani
    http://thailandgal.blogspot.com

     
  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger Wife Soup said…

    Love these last two posts! I am a transplanted Southerner myself and have felt the same way, at times. Don't even get me started on the influence the bible belt is having on my children. I mean, just pick a church, any church, just make sure you have one to talk about, or else?

     
  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger Jackie said…

    Looks like you learned your lesson!

     
  • At 2:57 PM, Blogger WI Mommy said…

    hmmmmm - got me thinkin' I wonder if the hand of God ever uses a knife to cut up vegetables while making soup...oh wait, that was me. Dang, I don't even have anyone else to blame!

    Glad you guys are okay!!

     
  • At 6:24 PM, Anonymous DaniGirl said…

    I'm glad you weren't hurt. Just so you know, this line?

    I don't actually think God reads my blog. If there is, in fact, a God (jury's still out on that one for me) I don't believe he needs to. I would think omnipotence comes with certain advantages, after all.

    That earned you a spot in my feed reader lineup. Priceless!!

     

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