Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Dear Poptart,

I'm not really a fan, but I am familiar with your work. Though you are not usually my first choice when it comes to listening enjoyment (My heart did, does and always will belong to Duran Duran), I find your music pleasant enough. However, I do have a small request to make.

Respectfully, if you cannot sing in that key, reach that note, remember those words, or otherwise perform Christmas Carols exactly as they were written and as they have been performed for decades, and in some cases, centuries....

FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE BRADY, DON'T MAKE A CHRISTMAS ALBUM.

I am a traditionalist, you see, as are, I believe, most folks when it comes to Christmas carols. I do not believe these songs are improved by tedious vocal acrobatics, impressive though they undoubtedly are to your masses of adoring fans. Additionally, I do not believe that speaking, shouting or shrieking the lyrics to these songs is "innovative".

Let me do you a kindness and clue you in to the fact that you are not fooling anyone by changing the arrangement or the key. We are quite aware that the "fresh new spin" you put on our beloved carols is to disguise the fact that your voice is not quuuiiiiiiite up to the task of performing them.

Not that there is any shame in that. Many classic carols are incredibly difficult pieces to perform. Only people with true ability and competent instruction can pull them off, and let's just be honest...that eliminates about 98% of contemporary artists.

For an example of near perfect execution, please listen to John Berry sing O Holy Night. Really, his entire Christmas repertoire is flawless.



THAT is how to sing a Christmas carol. Those little bumps on your skin? Those are goosepimples.

Thank You,

Sincerely,

A Godless Heathen who is inexplicably moved by Christ centric carols and who is not amused when they are bastardized by Poptarts, Hip Hop "Artists", or others who perform dubious musical stylings.

(I know, I know, I'm reaching, I mean...reeeeeaaaaally reaching for blog content here. But C day is looming people. I have a trip to pack for, a house to clean, presents to wrap, and in t-minus 3 hours and counting I am putting on a party for 24 4th graders who are berserk with holiday cheer. And for some reason, I decided a homemade gift for the teacher personalized by said 4th graders would be "a good thing".

Yes, it's abundantly clear that I have lost my marbles if I had any to begin with. So until I find them again, you'll have to take any meagre offerings I can drum up.)

23 Comments:

  • At 8:08 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Southpark has ruined Oh Holy Night for me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z3k_mQ4duqE

    (although, this does crack me up everytime I hear it!)

    Otherwise, I agree with you 100% on the rest of your post.

     
  • At 8:13 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Wait: it is South Park (not one word) and this is the superior version of the song:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9t08lx1AGs

    (I forgot about the shock therapy!)

     
  • At 9:22 AM, Anonymous Lisa said…

    Oh, thank you for that. A truly beautiful song done perfectly.

    I love your blog. Stumbled across it a few days ago and I'm hooked.

     
  • At 9:53 AM, Blogger liv said…

    you might like this--my new fave:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=friAA0aJ3sM

    (don't watch, just listen)

     
  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    i agree with you 100%. with the exception of those who make up their own new songs. (in particular, "christmas in hollis, queens." classic.)

    which is why i own 3, and only 3, xmas albums--the charlie brown xmas soundtrack; jimmy buffet's "xmas island"; and brave combo's "it's xmas, man!" (polka band).

     
  • At 11:30 AM, Blogger we_be_toys said…

    As a fellow Godless Heathen, who also, is inexplicably moved by, was it Christ-centric, music (great term, btw), I agree wholeheartedly! Sing it if you got it, shut up and rap, if you don't!

    And good luck with that 4th grade party today - I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, when I host a 3rd grade party - oh the insanity of giving schoolkids large amounts of sugar in the week before Christmas!

    Safe journey home and back too!
    Sniffle - I want some snow...!!

     
  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    If I hear Jes$ica Simp$on sing O Holy anything one more time, I am packing up and moving to a bomb shelter and awaiting the other three horsemen of the apocalypse.

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    A Godless Heathen who is inexplicably moved by Christcentric carols

    hey! me, too!

    happy holidays, friend. glad to know you.

     
  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Tracey said…

    Who is Poptart? Am I really that lame that I don't know what you're talking about? Or just too lazy to google it?....

     
  • At 2:03 PM, Anonymous Kathy said…

    John Berry is one of my favorite Christmas CD's. Goosebumps is right!

     
  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous pakareeka said…

    Loved it! The kids came running when it started and stayed riveted the whole time. Bring the CD "home" with you so we can listen to the whole thing!

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger Windows Wide Open said…

    John Berry's O Holy Night quite simply just ROCKS.

    Hang in there, you'll get it allll done ;)

    ~~
    www.ourwindowswideopen.wordpress.com

     
  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger Jenn said…

    Sha-it!

    The teachers gift!

    Guess what I'll be singing on my way to the mall?

     
  • At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Kathy said…

    I don't "know" you but from reading your blog for a long time I just wanted to say that you are what we should all be. Having been raised Catholic I love some many of the rituals I grew up with. Man made religion...I guess I like believing many of the things I grew up with and do believe in an after life. The one thing I do truly believe that our purpose in our life is to do the right thing, make the right choices and love each other, I don't think that has anything to do with being christian or any other religion. You are good, that is all that matters.

     
  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger Blog Antagonist said…

    Wow...Kathy. That may be the nicest thing anybody has ever said to me. Thank you. Sincerely.

     
  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    Don't tell anyone but I just downloaded the Josh Groban holiday album. Sshhh. It'll destroy my street cred if that gets out.

     
  • At 2:15 AM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Stevie Nicks should NEVER have been allowed to sing, never mind recording and selling, Silent Night.
    If you want goosebumps, try stuff sung by Aled Jones when he was a treble.
    LOved the Bowie/Crosby clip, as did Husband - thank you

     
  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    I like the traditional Christmas songs and hymns, sung by a choir or a bunch of school kids. But when those songs get covered by, like you said, Poptarts...I start to throw up in my mouth a bit.

    And no, I didn't think that you were addressing the tasty breakfast/snack treat when I read the title of this post. Why do you ask?

     
  • At 1:28 PM, Blogger Mad Hatter said…

    I know I'm not the first to say this but,

    "A Godless Heathen who is inexplicably moved by Christ centric carols"

    pretty much describes me to a T.

    Sorry to have been gone so long. Life's been busy and all, well, life-like.

     
  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger painted maypole said…

    now if only duran duran had put out a Christmas album...

     
  • At 10:24 PM, Anonymous Paige said…

    You said Duran Duran.

    And so I am at your beck and call.

     
  • At 12:38 AM, Blogger ..M.. said…

    Thank you for introducing me to that wonderful voice! Finally I have some new Christmas music to listen to - it starts to get a repetitive when you've been listening to the same two albums for 30 Christmases...

     
  • At 12:57 AM, Blogger Susan Gets Native said…

    Don't forget Josh Grogan's "O Holy Night"....that man was born to sing that song.

    Goosebumps on my goosebumps.

     

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