Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

This and That and a Dash of Oh, Pshaw

Oh...dear, dear bloggers. You are good for what ails a girl. I did not post my picture to solicit compliments, truly I did not, but I can't deny that your kind words have given me a huge boost.

And lemme tell ya...after spending the day looking for a party dress for Husband's annual semi-formal Christmas party, it was a boost I desperately needed.

Shopping for a cocktail dress in plus sizes is a bit like shopping for a ballet tutu for an elephant.

Could flourescent lighting be any more brutal?

When I stepped out of the dressing room to check out my fine self in the three way mirror, I thought I had accidentally opened the door to the alley and stumbled upon a crack whore coming off the night shift. I realized my mistake when it occurred to me that crack whores don't usually wear knee highs to ply their wares.

Dear Retailers marketing fancy schmancy holiday clothes to large and lovely ladies (Pssst...Lane Bryant, this means YOU):

Tulle is not our friend. Nor is anything made out of that stretchy faux velvet stuff you seem to think we like. It gets stuck places.

We do not want to show our batwings. We do want to look like we have a waist. Also backless = backfat = no flippin way. And those cute little trapeze, baby doll, empire waist top things? "Real women" (that is still your slogan, right?) avoid them like the plague because they create doubt about the reproductive status of the wearer. Don't make them anymore. Legions of "real" shoppers will thank you. I promise.

And finally? Satin is the textile equivalent of the Hubble telescope, and as such, should be considered wholly unsuitable for any type of garment. It should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Forget what they did in the 70's. Nobody was thinking straight then. It's just wrong.

Signed,

B.A.


I did finally find something. Coldwater Creek, how do I love thee?? Enough to pay a ridiculous amount of money for a shiny blouse and a kicky little skirt, because it does not look as if I donned a Christmas tree skirt and cinched it with an attractive belt in the hopes of affecting some kind of shape.

Okay, so anyway...I wanted to address some of your comments on my appearance.

The Eyebrows

Some of you may have read my post "Motherplucker". I am very proud and gratified to say that the brows that you see in that picture are the result of several months worth of very concerted effort on my part to grow them out.

I have brow issues, you see, and I had plucked them almost into oblivion. Think Betty Boop. Marlena Dietrich. Pamela Anderson without the boobs or the haggard hooker chic.

It wasn't easy. Stray brow hairs drive me completely bonkers. I had to hide my tweezers and then have my husband do a vulcan mind meld on me to wipe my memory clean. I had to throw away all my strip wax and depilatory cream. I did find myself contemplating my trusty razor once or twice, but that's a dicey business at best so I restrained myself.

The last thing I need is to explain to all Husband's co-workers how I ended up browless. I would have to manufacture something pretty spectacular to explain how I lost my brows but otherwise escaped unscathed. Fire? No. A raging bacterial infection that targets only facial hair? No. The chin hairs would give me away.

I did consider teaching myself the ancient art of threading, just to clean up the strays, but that seemed inefficient and barbaric and besides, I would have had to have husband do ANOTHER vulcan mind meld on me and it seems like too many of those would eventually have some adverse effects on the brain.

Anyway...I'm pleased. I think they look much more like actual eyebrows now. Thanks for noticing.

The Complexion

Yes. I am white. Fishbelly white. Milky white. Alabaster white. I'm the shade of white I always imagine Lestate to be when he describes how white he is. Vampire white.

I don't get much darker than that in the summer either, because I am pretty obsessive about sunscreen and hat wearing. I don't tan, really. I turn a ridiculous shade of crimson and then when the molting has stopped, I go back to my formerly albinistic state.

I don't mind not being able to tan, really. I hope I will avoid the leather face look that so many Southern women seem to sport. And I hope I will avoid the fate of my SIL, an avid sun worshipper, who just had a huge patch of skin excised from her back. They had to go down to the muscle to get all the cancer and she lost so much tissue that there is still a hole there.

I'd rather be fishbelly white, thank you.

The Hair

Girls, did I not tell you of the miracle that is Frederik Fekkai glossing cream?? It is quite simply, the most amazing hair care product EVER. It's expensive, but so worth it. I would sell my soul to the devil to get this stuff. I would give blow jobs to homeless bums (sorry Jen). I would watch Dumb and Dumber again.

The shine you see there is the result of one little pea sized dollop of product.

It's. Da. Bomb.

And my hair color? Would that nature had blessed me with such richness, but alas she did not. My own color is a dark but mousy brown. No grays yet, thankfully, but it's still rather drab. I have been dying my hair some shade of red since I was sixteen years old. I wouldn't feel like myself as anything but a redhead.

You too can have this color. It is L'Oreal Preference Warm Copper Brown. Because I'm worth it.

The Courage

Ladies, please. If I was really courageous, I would have posted a picture of myself without make-up on. And that, quite frankly, ain't happening unless and until the devil himself is threatening to roast my plus sized ass over a crackling fire deep in the bowels of hell. And then I would have to give it serious consideration. A girl has to draw the line somewhere.

Thanks again for all your kind comments. You rock. Truly.

27 Comments:

  • At 11:31 AM, Blogger Maddy said…

    Indeed a while back there was a 'post your photo without makeup' phase. Not for me I'm afraid. Definitely camera shy, I know my place = under a small rock at the bottom of the garden.
    Cheers
    This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

     
  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    Well, I think you are lovely in your paleness, my sister of the pale.

     
  • At 12:18 PM, Blogger Carol said…

    God you write beautifully!

    Carol

     
  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger Mac and Cheese said…

    Threading hurts like a mofo. Good on you for holding out.

     
  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger liv said…

    yep. no makeup...wow, that was just a few days ago when i posted my photo and i thought i was cute. that before losing my fekkai straightening gel to the TSA. f*ckers.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger we_be_toys said…

    Girl, I'm ALL about the fishbelly white skin and red hair - we could be twins in those categories!!
    If only Lane Bryant would listen to your advice - I never walk in there that I don't declare that "somewhere in the garment district of NYC is a shrivelled, sadistic, anorexic designer laughing her ass off over the hideous crap she sold to Lane Bryant". Coldwater Creek IS a far better alternative, not the least for the fact you don't ever have to go into a dressing room and do "fat-girl aerobics"; getting in and out of clothes, and worse, undergarments. Its right up there with the "pantyhose dance" you so eloquently described - oh! the glamour of it all! Sheesh!

     
  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You truly are one of the bright spots in my day, each day.

    Mary Istvan

     
  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Sharon said…

    Those empire-waisted shirt thingys are ridiculous. Hell, they make skinny chicks look like they're packin'. And as someone who has (more than once) been asked when the baby is due, I wouldn't be caught dead in something that looks as though it should be in the maternity department.

    Also, no gray hairs?? I'm totally jealous. I've been trying to dye my stubborn white hairs since I was 26. Thanks for the reminder about the glossing gel.

     
  • At 2:05 PM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    i'm sure your shopping experience is similar to mine, and you've probably done it before--shopping for cocktail attire while pg. at 15 weeks i'm looking closer to about 6 months, i'm short, and i wasn't all that skinny when i got knocked up in the first place, thanks. not to mention i'm Over 35 and that whole "look at what a cute mommy-to-be i am" ship has SAILED. i want to know who decided all pg women want to wear shiny trapeze dresses with a big ass bow at the top so we look like a sloppily-wrapped gift. or who thought enormous puffy sleeves would balance out our enormous puffy abdominal regions. (think bozo the clown.) i finally found a black velvet empire waist top at old navy this weekend (not maternity, but that's the beauty of young skinny girls wanting to dress like they're pg). at $35, it was over my budget, but i figured it would work with dark jeans, and to hell with it.

     
  • At 2:07 PM, Blogger Jenn said…

    So nice to have a face to a "name".

    And such a beautiful face, at that.

    Wish I could pull of the pale white skin look as wonderfully as you, but instead when I decide to embrace my "fairness", everyone insists I must be ill and should go to the doctor.

    Hello, Jergens face tanner.

     
  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    I'm glad you found a wonderful outfit I'm sure you'll look stunning in it. I had to scroll down for the picture, you look great! I have to say though that I am a big fan of empire waists and am a size 14. However, for me it only works in dresses because shirts make me look super preggers and only certain dresses of certain fabrics. I also stay far away from the plus size stores because the stuff is just ugly.

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger Chanda (aka Bea) said…

    I have a serious love hate relationship with Lane Bryant, and these days it's teetering more toward falling of the hate abyss. Hello!? Would it kill them to use a natural fabric? If you ever find yourself in that pickle again, I'm a big fan of the Romans and Sillhouettes catalogs (as is my big ass).
    As always a wonderful post. You crack me up! Oh, and by the way, I was a lurker at the time and did not post, but your "funeral" series was beautiful! One of the few times I ever cried at work.

     
  • At 3:28 PM, Anonymous hairline fracture said…

    My skin is exactly the same: white as paper. (Which is one reason why you look good as a redhead!) I am so glad I never tried to tan much--it didn't work; I just burn and peel. Now I have embraced my whiteness, reminding myself that in centuries past I would have been the envy of all for my alabaster skin and knowing that I will never have as many wrinkles or skin cancers as some of my friends who worshiped the sun.

     
  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Traci said…

    The Lane Bryant shit? So dead on, as usual. I get pissed off everytime I go in there. Would it kill them to make some 'traditional' clothes for the office? I can't afford Talbots, but everything in Lane Bryant is shiny.

     
  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger WrapAroundSam said…

    Stop it already. You look fabulous and should running yourself down...Honest.

     
  • At 4:41 PM, Blogger WI Mommy said…

    I swear, there are some posts that leave me wondering if we are long lost sisters - this is one of them! You are beautiful!

     
  • At 5:03 PM, Blogger DMB said…

    "I thought I had accidentally opened the door to the alley and stumbled upon a crack whore coming off the night shift."

    Hysterical! Thanks for the belly laugh. Sometimes a girl needs that!

     
  • At 8:23 PM, Blogger Magi said…

    Okay, you may be my younger sister. I have the same fair skin that doesn't tan. I also have drab brown hair that I usually color red. I went with blonde highlights once, but I just faded away with light hair and light skin.

    I gave up on Lane Bryant years ago. Avenue is better as is Catherine's, though in Catherine's you have to be careful to avoid the fat old lady clothes. I usually end up shopping online. What's nice about both Catherine's and Avenue is that you can return items there that you ordered on line if they don't work out. You get the full refund with your packing list and avoid the shipping charge.

    I've done the reverse, too. I found an outfit for my sister's wedding two years ago at Catherine's. The only problem was that it was slightly damaged and they only had one in my size. I went home and ordered the outfit instead. I had already tried it on and knew I liked it.

     
  • At 8:33 PM, Blogger Kimberly said…

    HAH! I actually DID use some of my LB clothes when I was 8 mos pregnant! Ta-Da! They came in useful, twice. But I heartily agree with the whole letter to plus-sized retailers. Also, who really wants all of their, ahem, female assets shown off to the world with the v-necks which are so low. Especially if you are plus-sized but pear shaped and have no female assets with which to fill out the clothes. Sigh. Have fun at the party!

     
  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    After I my last comment about your hair color, I could kiss you for posting the color you use! Thank you for being a 'box' user! I love coloring my hair and am currently working toward brown and reds after being blonde again for several years. If I do try this color, I'm sending you a photo.

    Your skin color is your friend---you will look nice and young while all the sun worshippers are botoxing themselves into oblivion.

     
  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger Rositta said…

    My first visit to your blog, really funny about the eyebrows. I admit I still use wax strips mostly on my chin. I haven't found anything better yet and believe me, I've tried it all. Damn, who the heck is going to was my chinny chin chin if I end up in long term care or something, grrr...ciao great blog.

     
  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous Andrea said…

    So with you on the Lane Bryant business. You can tell they do not employ the full figured woman in their design department. Or that someone with veto power is probably a size 6 with a skinny ass and doesn't have the empire waist problem. Last year I bought an outfit there for a wedding, and while I love the pants, all I could find was a sweater with an empire waist thing, and a tank top to go under it. The sweater is one of those delicate lacy things, too and I like it, but it does make me look pregnant. Since I am pregnant, it's no big deal now (especially since it no longer fits) but I had some raised eyebrows (waxed and plucked, not threaded) at that wedding.

    Little Bald Doctors

     
  • At 9:34 PM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    I'm bummed. Here I am checking out your blog late on Friday night and I've missed both the picture of you and your boys!

    I love being able to put faces with names. *sigh*

     
  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger Mrs. Chicky said…

    It would be a cold day in hell before I would post a picture of myself without makeup. A very cold day. So I feel you on that.

    I'm kind of bummed out you took down your picture. It was just so nice to see you.

     
  • At 11:40 AM, Blogger Jozet at Halushki said…

    Satin should be reserved for hookers' sheets. It would make Mary-Kate Olson look like she needs to lose a few pounds.

     
  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger jen said…

    i want a picture. give me what i want.

    seriously, girl. missed you. rock the casbah and all that with that kicky shirt.

     
  • At 7:00 PM, Anonymous Steff J said…

    LOLOL....
    OK for the work clothes in plus sizes check Cato...
    They do markdowns 3 mondays a month 2 on clothes one on accessories. they do have layaway and if you put it on layaway and it marks down you can ask for the lower price...
    i hate lane bryant, i am ok with the empire tops sort of...
    i had the greatest green velvet a-line dress while i was pregnant and it has somehow gotten lost...
    totally sucks to cause somehow the way it was cut even at 7 mos preg i looked almost skinny...lol
    good luck on the clothes hunting
    steff

     

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