Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

True Story

Last night, I dreamt that all the diamonds in my wedding ring had fallen out. I was searching frantically, desperate to find them. I was completely panicked. I was absolutely sick with loss.

I don't often dream and when I do, they are usually gone the moment I awake. I am not one of those people who recount their dreams in great detail. But occasionally, I have dreams of such startling clarity that they never leave me. I can think of four such dreams. This one makes five. As dreams go, it wasn't all that terrifying or traumatic. But I woke up in complete and utter despair.

I have no idea what that symbolizes, but I'm sure it's yet another indication that I am perilously close to some kind of psychotic episode.

But it reminded me of a funny thing I hadn't thought of in years.

I always thought I would insist on selecting my own engagement and wedding rings, because I am incredibly picky discerning, and the thought of being stuck with something I hate my whole life was just too awful to contemplate.

But Husband surprised me by proposing to me after just six months. I hadn't even had time to daydream a dress yet.

Luckily, he has good taste, and my wedding set is truly beautiful. I cherish it not for it's earthly value, but because of the bond it represents. Husband has offered to replace the center stone with a larger one on several different anniversaries. But I don't want or need a larger one.

This is the one he slipped upon my trembling hand when I said yes, this is the one that will encircle my lifeless finger when I go to my grave. Unless some mercenary daughter in law sets her sights on it and convinces one of my sons to pry it from his mother's cold dead grasp. Bitch.

Anyway.

The setting is rather intricate and sits very high. I was and am constantly banging it against things; the faucet in the kitchen sink, the porcelain knobs on the cabinets, the steering wheel, glassware, my own flesh and bone and that of my children.

All of us bear somewhere upon our bodies, a scar where the wickedly sharp prongs have furrowed delicate flesh. It's a deadly weapon I'm telling you. I could put somebody's eye out.

Several times I whacked it hard enough to loosen the center stone to the point that it could have been easily dislodged and lost forever. The thought made me quite ill.

I did lose several of the smaller marquis side diamonds, and though not nearly as valuable as the center stone, they were still too expensive to replace on our single income. I hated the sight of those poor empty prongs. I made me sad and disspirited to look at them, so I put it away and took to wearing a wedding band in it's place.

Several years later on our anniversary Husband surprised me by having the missing stones replaced. I was thrilled and I couldn't stop looking at it. I had really missed it.

Two days later, I lost one of them again.

I was absolutely horrified and I cried when I told Husband.

There was nothing we could do, of course. I was pregnant at the time, and the ring was beginning to get too tight anyway. So I put it away again and tried not to think of the wasted expense.

Months went by, and my belly grew. Diminutive One was over 9lbs at birth and I had pre-eclampsia, which caused me to retain water like you would not believe. I'm short, and I am short waisted, so by the end, my stomach was truly something to behold. And it itched. A LOT. So I scratched it. A lot.

I was put on bedrest near the end of my pregnancy and spent a lot of time in my recliner. One day, while lying there trying to watch television over the mound of my stomach, I realized that my belly button was particularly itchy. My belly button is deeply inverted and it never even came close to popping out with my first pregnancy. But with that pregnancy, it was beginning to look like a distinct possibility.

I began to root around, trying to relieve the itch that had become a near constant thing by that point.

Suddenly, I realized that there was something embedded in my belly button. Something small and hard. I rooted around some more, trying to guess what in the world it could be. I couldn't grasp it with my swollen, clumsy fingers, so I heaved myself out of the chair, lumbered into the bathroom, and got the tweezers out of my nail kit. I lumbered back to the chair and commenced digging.

I kind of felt like the newest Milton Bradley game..."Pregnant Operation".

Even with the tweezers, it was difficult to get a good grip on whatever it was lodging in my belly button, and I stabbed myself repeatedly in an effort to extract it. Every time the tines bit into my tender flesh, I sort of expected my nose to light up and a buzzer to sound.

Was it a grain of rice? No. A fingernail? Ew, no. A stone? Yes, it felt like a stone. I finally managed to pull it out and saw that I was right. It was a stone.

But not just any stone....A DIAMOND.

Holy shit, the thing in my belly button was my missing diamond.

I surmised that my ring got snagged on my clothing when I extracted my hand from my pants after a particularly vigorous bout of scratching and fell into my capacious belly button.

When Husband came home, I held the diamond out gleefully for him to see. He was amazed that it had turned up after so long.

"Where on earth did you find it???" he asked.

"In my belly button."

"What?"

"My belly button."

"Shut up."

"I'm totally serious. I was scratching my belly, and then my belly button got itchy too, and when I stuck my finger in there to scratch it, I found the diamond!!"

He looked at me for a long time. He honestly had no idea if I was messing with him or not. On one hand, it was just ridiculous enough to be true. On the other hand, how could a diamond stay in my belly button for 9 months without being discovered or dislodged?

Finally, he said, "Well. It is really deep."

"I KNOW!"

"You know what would be really amazing?"

"What?"

"What if it's not the last one you lost? What if that's one of the original ones that got lost. That thing coulda been in there for years."

"No way."

"Seriously, geez. You could have the Hope Diamond in there. C'mere. No. No, no wait! We'll put a piece of coal in there and make another one!! That could work. The pressuer has got to be enormous by now."

And that's when he realized that a grossly swollen pregnant woman only finds humor at her expense funny for a finite period of time.

And yes, Husband took my ring to the jeweler the next day and had the diamond reset. And we had all the diamonds reinforced with extra prongs. I haven't lost one since, which means that the belly button diamond is still in place.

So there you go. True Story.

Aren't you glad you tuned in today?

ADDENDUM: A friend who enjoys dream interpretation had this to say:

"The dream symbolizes your fear of losing your writing. The ring finger, diamonds and loss - it adds up. Rings place emphasis on creativity and talents associated w/the hands - the accent on a particular finger."

Ring Finger:
To dream of your ring finger, represents success, popularity and creativity, It also has association with marriage, union, and commitments.

Ring:
To see a ring on your finger in your dream, signifies your commitment to a relationship or a successful new endeavor. It also indicates your loyalty to your ideals, responsibilities, and beliefs.

To see a broken ring in your dream, signifies an attack on your loyalty. It is indicative of disappointments and separation

Diamonds:
To dream that you own diamonds, denotes great honor and recognition from high places. You will also find clarity in matters that have been clouding you.

38 Comments:

  • At 1:03 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    I think I just wet my pants.

     
  • At 1:33 AM, Blogger Terri said…

    Oh, my word! That is TOO funny!

     
  • At 3:49 AM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    THat is FANTASTIC!

    Emily

     
  • At 8:35 AM, Anonymous Veronica Mitchell said…

    My first thought was: I wonder what I could find in my bellybutton.

    I suspect only lint.

     
  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger bubandpie said…

    I used to have one of those really deep belly buttons, but it never recovered from my second pregnancy.

    (If that relatively lucid comment gives you the impression that I didn't just sit here for thirty seconds with my jaw hanging open, well, then, you'd be wrong.)

     
  • At 9:17 AM, Blogger Leigh said…

    Oh my goodness. I shall remember that story forever. LOL....literally!

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger Tracey said…

    Holy.... Awesome. Great story to start my day, thanks.

     
  • At 9:47 AM, Blogger Pioneering in PA said…

    That's it. I'm going Belly Button Spelunking today with a pair of tweezers. I'm blessed with a cavernous belly button too, and lord only knows what the heck is lodged deep within. Could be that Twinkie I misplaced years ago, and I could sell it on Ebay for outrageous amounts, because I'm sure that by now it's been molded and shaped into the head of King Henry VIII.

     
  • At 10:06 AM, Anonymous Kathy said…

    What a wonderful first story of the day. I LOVED it.

     
  • At 10:42 AM, Blogger wyo said…

    GREAT story, wonderfully told. :)

     
  • At 10:56 AM, Blogger WI Mommy said…

    So, is my laptop completely trashed now that I have spit latte ALL over it?????

    So funny!!

     
  • At 11:43 AM, Blogger All Things BD said…

    THAT is awesome. Nothing interesting like that ever happens to me. If I were you, I'd tell that story ALL the time.

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger jen said…

    that is hilarious. unbelievable, and funny.

     
  • At 12:53 PM, Anonymous Maddy said…

    Lummy, that's incredible. No! I mean it. I don't believe a word of it. I'm o.k. with the diamond, that's completely ordinary and believable. What I don't believe is that anyone would be brave enough to put their finger or any other foreign object in the tummy button!

    Bravery award to you madam!
    Cheers

     
  • At 1:09 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    That is just about the best story I've ever heard!!!

    It also reminds me of my bachelorette party when I had to lie on the bar and have a strange guy drink a shot out of my innie bellybutton. The bartender poured the shot and the poor guy looked at his friend and said, "I could drown in there!"

     
  • At 1:35 PM, Blogger Rositta said…

    That's funny, lol...I too have a deep belly button and have always wondered what's in it. After my gallbladder surgery though, it's not the same anymore. I think the surgeon did something weird to it, oh well at least nothing can get lost in it...ciao

     
  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger Tismee2 said…

    That's gross! I just can't imagine a belly button like that. Not that I don't believe you but just the thought of fishing around in it is too much!

    No doubt people will start finding lost relatives and odd socks in theirs now!!

     
  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    That is the best ring story I have EVER HEARD.

     
  • At 4:03 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    That is the craziest story I have ever heard! Now I want to go look and see what I can find in my belly button.

     
  • At 4:04 PM, OpenID minnesotamom said…

    That makes pregnancy seem much more worth it. :) My husband often jokes about having a solid gold baby or other such pleasant things.

    Also, next time he makes fun of my deep belly button I will relay this story. Thanks for the laugh!

     
  • At 8:15 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    Seriously? My WHOLE family is laughing about this right now. Ben, Jack, my husband, and I.

    Thanks for making us laugh. It feels good to laugh.

     
  • At 9:39 PM, Blogger PunditMom said…

    Such a pupick!

     
  • At 6:27 AM, Anonymous midlife mommy said…

    I have a deep belly button too. I should take a look at see if there's anything good in there. Just kidding (I do clean every once in awhile).

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger sltbee69 said…

    Great story BA! As far as the dream interpretation, I can't imagine after reading such an awesomely funny story like this that you will ever lose your writing abilities.

     
  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Natalie said…

    That is absolutely hilarious.

     
  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger Life As I Know It said…

    THAT is a crazy story!

    Unbelievable!

     
  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger Quirky said…

    Holy geez. I just laughed out loud - hard - in public and I was too busy laughing to be embarrassed. Hysterical.

     
  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Oh, Mama, that has to be the best story ever!!!

     
  • At 7:38 PM, Blogger Gruppie Girl said…

    That is the craziest story ever!

    I had a big belly, but woahhhh. I never lost something in there.

     
  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Chelle said…

    Great story! Just in case I'd take the rings in for a cleaning and checkup to make sure everything was in place.

    The dream interpretation was great, too, but your writing is amazing. Do you feel as if you are losing the skill or writing ideas?

     
  • At 9:28 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    That is a great story.
    To strange not to be true.
    Smiles!!!

     
  • At 8:24 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    and to think that all this time, I've been worried about playing the lottery to get rich. I should have just checked some orifices.

     
  • At 11:04 AM, Blogger we_be_toys said…

    That has to be one of the first times I know of, that having a deep belly button has come in handy.
    Too funny...

     
  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger Mad Hatter said…

    I have a bottomless pit of a navel too. I can just hear what my husband would say in the same circumstances. Ohhhhh, the humour is just too rich. I'm glad your husband clued in quick enough and saved himself a bit of scarring.

     
  • At 7:18 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    Get OUT!

    That's the best story I've heard in a long time.

     
  • At 12:08 AM, OpenID slackermommy said…

    Great story! I bet Diminutive One loves to hear it.

     
  • At 6:41 AM, Anonymous mel from freak parade said…

    Are you kidding me?!?! I have just added this to my list of best stories I have ever heard, ever.

    I just checked my belly button and didn't find a darn thing. Bummer.

     
  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Susan Gets Native said…

    Holy crap.
    That's all I can think of to say.

     

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