Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handy Blog Antagonist

1. Wouldn't it be cool if you could take off your arms before you go to bed?

I'm a side sleeper, and I often wake up with my arms dead and wooden beneath me. That's a most disconcerting feeling, even though I know that I've simply lain on them too long. It still skeeves me out, because it's like being in the embrace of a corpse.

Also, I have yet to find a pillow that is really excellent for side sleepers, so I often wake up with a crick in my neck or an ache in my scrunched up shoulder.

However, you'd have to be really careful. One of you would have to leave an arm on each night. Otherwise, you'd have no way to get them back on.

Imagine waking up having to pee, and realizing you cannot untie your pajama bottoms or pull down your pants. God forbid the lid is closed. Imagine looking at your arms, dangling limply there where you hung them up the night before; completely useless independant of your body.

Maybe that's not such a good idea afterall.

2. What if the Scientologists have it right?

Think about it. Why is being descended from a master race of aliens any crazier than the traditionally accepted theological explanation of human genesis?

In fact, it might be slightly less crazy than the concept of people springing forth from clay and/or constructed from a single rib bone.

But don't tell Tom Cruise I said so. I don't want that smug bastard and his extraterrestrial Jesus knocking on my door any time soon.

3. Do you ever wonder if cats and dogs can really speak and understand English, but choose not to let us know that they can?

I just seems to me that when you live with people for an extended period of time, say....8 years or pick a few things up.

4. I think I have discovered an actual disorder.

I need to contact the New England Journal of Medicine, because this could be BIG.

It's called "Male Pattern Blindness."

How else do you account for the fact that both my husband and my male children, despite being given very detailed directions on where to find a given item, will look right at it, and yet not see it?

Why else would said husband and children walk past a laundry basket and/or various belongings piled neatly at the bottom of the stairs and never carry it up? I once did an experiment with Husband's guitar. It sat at the bottom of the stairs for 3 weeks. I figure that's about 2100 trips. And he never even saw the stupid thing.

And how else do you explain the fact that my husband still wants to have sex with me, despite the cottage cheese on my thighs and a roadmap of the entire Western Hemisphere on my belly?

Now, if only I could find a cure. THAT would be big.

5. Why don't ears sprout during puberty?

I don't know about yours, but my kids do not need ears. They don't use them. They are thoroughly useless little appendages.

Women don't need breasts prior to giving birth, therefore evolution has biologically programmed us to grow them only after our bodies are capable of bearing children. I think the same should apply to ears. They should grow only after one develops the capacity for listening.

Maybe puberty would not be the ideal time. For men it would be about 40, I think.

6. Everybody should sit down to pee.

I would like to know who is to thank for the foolish notion that men must pee standing up. This, is not a concept borne of common sense. And I can almost gaurantee you that is not a practice that was conceived or endorsed by a woman.

This is not a conversation that ever took place:

"Forsooth Good Wife, henceforth, I shall endeavor to relieve myself without soiling my buttocks upon the privvy seat. I shall accomplish this by taking judicious aim from a stance apace from yon aperature. What thinkest thou?"

"Good Husband, I think that thou art as clever as thou art handsome! T'is a wondrous idea for certain. I implore you to instruct our sons in this most novel practice."

Never. Happened.

It's really just a matter of physics. When you are going to fill a bucket with a garden hose, do you stand three feet away to do so? No. You put the nozzle down into the bucket. Why? Because water is not a cohesive substance. And neither is pee.

It seems pretty simple to me. And yet, for centuries, the male collective has duped us into believing that sitting down to pee is, in some way, emasculating.

What about cleaning the bathroom with your tongue? Is that emasculating?

Because I'm truly to point where that is what's going to happen the next time I find piss in the waste basket that sits three feet to the left of the toilet, or the next time I sit down on a toilet seat liberally sprinkled with rapidly cooling urine in the middle of the night.

7. Why didn't I think of this?

All this time, I could been getting rich and famous off of my irreverent ranting.

"Results like this do not belong on the resume of a Supereme Being."

"No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this."

"If I can see something, it kind of helps the credibility along.

(WARNING: Profanity, blasphemous and potentially offensive content)

8. I was born a several centuries too late.

I should have been born when the standard of female beauty was this:

Eh. It's just as well, I suppose. I don't think objectification is all it's cracked up to be. Besides, if I was happy with my body, then I would have to find something else with which to flagellate my tender self-esteem.

At least I can change my body. Perhaps I should count myself lucky to have born in a century where I can sculpt my body and my face into whatever the currently accepted standards dictate as "beautiful".

Just look at Jocelyin Wildenstein. She is an exmaple to us all, no?

9. Sometimes I think all the truly great men have already lived.

I was thinking this the other day when Diminutive One and I were watching Immortal Beloved. How many truly great men have been born in the last century? How many men this century have really changed the course of history with their bravery, their humanity, their talent or their trailblazing?

I can think of a mere handful. The Time Top 100 lists Sascha Baron Cohen and Justin Timberlake for pity's sake.

But I don't put much faith in that list anyway. There is a difference between being influential, and being truly great. I don't think most of the people on that list are truly great people. Influential? Yes. Revolutionary? Possibly. Talented? Some.

But have most of them reached a pinnacle of greatness so profound that their name will always be remembered and become synonmyous with the field in which they excelled?


I don't know, in this day and age with the corruption and moral profligacy and the ease with which one can achieve counterfeit celebrity, if it's even possible for a man, or woman, to be truly great.

It's a thought that saddens me.

But...I think that women are making up for it. We are just coming into our own as a sex. I think we can expect great things from women in the days to come.

And that's a thought that gladdens me.

Okay, that was an actual deep thought, thus negating the ironic humor of my title. But roll with it.

10. I wish I was a witch.

When I was a kid, I used to twitch my nose like Samantha, and fantasize that it would actually work. I remember once twitching my nose at some girl who was making fun of me. She was like..."Did you just twitch your nose at me dweeb?"

Back then, I would have used it mostly to get stuff I wanted (rainbow striped suspenders, a lemon twist, a Steve Austin action figure) and for revenge.

Now I think...dayum, that would be a really freaking useful skill.

Laundry piling up? Twitch. Cat puked on the carpet? Twitch. Kids' rooms smell like feet? Twitch. Paint color looks more like "pea soup" than "antique verdigris"? Twitch. Husband developing a bit of a spare tire? Twitch his ass into Vin Dieseldom. would be so awesome.

I know, you guys think I'm all highbrow and intellectual and deep and stuff, but trust me, I've got a million of these ridiculous and quite pointless little snippets of thought running around in my head.

Please don't leave me hanging out here in dorkdom all by myself. C'mon and share one of your own "deep" thoughts in the comments. K?


  • At 10:17 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    What's up with blisters? Why the hell do they need to HURT so much?

  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger Terri said…

    Hahaha! Forsooth, thou art too funny.

    Okay, here are some of my "deep thoughts."

    I used to want to invent my own language then I found out others like, you know, Tolkien had already done that.

    I also like to imagine that there really are parallel universes out there somewhere.

    Like you wanting to be Samantha, I used to want to be Jeanie from "I Dream of Jeanie." I thought it would be cool to just blink my wishes into existence.

  • At 11:39 PM, Blogger Amie Adams said…

    I SO wanted to be Samantha and have a daughter named Tabitha.

  • At 11:45 PM, Blogger Lara said…

    today, i was thinking about posting on my blog, and i was wondering if all the best topics have already been done. and then i was all, "maybe i'll write about that!" and then i realized someone probably already has.

  • At 12:34 AM, Blogger anne said…

    Here's mine.

    I'm fine with guys inventing things but they should leave the naming of said things to women. Then a box wrench, which is in no way, shape, or form like a box, could be called a circle wrench since it is, in fact, a circle.

  • At 1:00 AM, Blogger Unmana said…

    Q: Once you take off one arm with the other, how will you take off the other arm? Really not much danger of going to sleep with both arms off, is there? :-)

  • At 3:41 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    Im a side sleeper too, maybe we could take turns with our husbands at having "arm free" nights!
    Pol x

  • At 8:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have no deep thoughts this morning...I'm just sitting here laughing about men peeing, because I just finished potty-training a three-year-old male. Yesterday, he was sitting on the toilet pooping, and I walked in to find a puddle on the floor in front of him. It seems that he got confused, and forgot to stand back up to pee. Then later, he poked his head out of the bathroom to announce, "MAMA! I just peed on the wall! And the floor! And on the back of the toilet!" Such good times these are. I tell myself I will miss this someday.

  • At 9:15 AM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    Love this!

    1. Yes. I wish I could take my arms off at night. They are useless to me when it comes to finding that comfort zone.

    3. I ALWAYS wonder that about cats and dogs. ALWAYS. And I also wonder that about other things, inanimate objects like fruit and art. Like, maybe they can talk too?

    (Or maybe I smoked too much pot in college?)

    4. I believe you HAVE found a disorder, woman. The men in my house suffer from it too.

    8. I was born several centuries too late as well. *sigh*

  • At 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I swear that I have suggested to my husband about removing one of my arms at night! Watching couples on TV snuggle, it looks so nice & comfy. In reality, it puts my lower arm to sleep too - not comfortable AT ALL!
    I am also a mother of 2 boys that are close in age to yours and I COMPLETELY relate to your stories and thoroughly enjoy your sense of humor. Keep it coming!

  • At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have recently "stumbled" across blogs and I am HOOKED. This is not a good thing per se as I often read them at work. However, the blogs make me laugh and I am sure in effect me being happy is helpful to my co-workers...nobody likes a grumpy secretary!!

    I wholeheartedly agree with your take on Male Pattern Blindness. It never ceases to amaze me when my son opens the refrigerator and while staring directly at the jug of milk asks "mom, do we have any milk". Now mind you, my son does have ADHD and has problems sitting still and concentrating. HOWEVER, he is also in the gifted program (which brings on a whole different set of "issues") so I know this is NOT an intelligence thing.

    The thing that boggles me is when my husband cleans! I am thankful for the help! But I can TRULY follow a path as to what he did & where he stopped b/c when he is done cleaning, the vacuum cleaner is in the middle of the last room vacuumed and dusting rag on the last table cleaned!! Perhaps it is another sign of Male Pattern Blindess...perhaps he just doesn't SEE IT!!!

    Have a great day everyone!

  • At 10:13 AM, Blogger furiousBall said…

    that detach arms thing would make my life so much better. i dislocated my shoulder a couple of years ago, decided to rehab instead of surgery and still can't really get a great night's sleep due to my shoulder hurting

  • At 11:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have actually said the arms thing- does that surprise you? No, I didn't think so. Also, while I generally enjoy being tall, there are certain times it would be handy to be able to telescope my legs down a bit- like on airplanes.

    But I would gladly endure the arms and legs problems if I could just invent a switch to turn off my brain. I would really like to just stop the spinning sometimes, especially when I want to go to sleep.

    Selective amnesia would be good as well.

  • At 11:32 AM, Blogger jean said…

    This made my day. Especially the line about "Vin Dieseldom" I love it!

  • At 11:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh my goodness sakes, you make me SMILE!! Thank you for sharing!!

  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger Tania said…

    What if the type of vehicle one gets to drive was not a function of one's income, but a function of one's ability to drive well enough to deserve such a vehicle?

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    You are so spot on... with the peeing on the toilets (I too, am out numbered in a house of only males besides myself and the two female cats) and the male pattern blindness.

    Deep thoughts? I'll have to get back to you when I'm not suffering from Pregnancy Brain. Which, yes, is a true symptom of pregnancy. If I were to try to come up with one today it'd be something like ~ why does it only rain when I don't have my umbrella with me? Or Why does the hair on my legs only seem to have grown when it's time to wear a skirt or shorts?

    See? Pathetic.

    But that's why we have you :)

  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    I'm not sure which thought I like best so I'll just say bravura.

    Deb Deep: Why haven't the designers of certain feminine products figured a way to keep...
    oh never mind.


  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Deep Thought
    And as any one who has read the Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy series knows, the answer is 42

    I dream of being able to fly, like the character on Heroes.

    I told DH, while pregnant with eldest DD, that if baby was a boy, he was in charge of toilet training. I mean, what experience did I have with the whole standing up thing??

  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You wouldn't have to worry about taking off both arms because once you took off the first arm, you'd have nothing left to take off the last arm. It's too much bendy elbowness to take itself off. Problem solved.

    But damn woman, you made me laugh with this.

  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    i agree with so many of those. particularly the detachable arms for side sleepers and the "everyone should sit to pee." and i think cats speak english, yes. but dogs? dumber'n'a bag of hammers. i own the one by which they set their standard of stupidity.

  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have often wished for number one. But I think you would need some sort of arm-velcro on the wall, so you could reattach in the morning to arms that were perfectly positioned for you.

  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    awsome post

  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger kampung girl said…

    hi BA,
    I'd been your reader since the early days. I moved, lost touch with your blog, and found it again by chance. I'd been following your "rants" about religion, and well.. I have the same questions and doubts about organized anything, but also a respect and kinda fascination for faith and belief. Anyways, I'd been reading the blog of a preacher as well. And his take on the whole thingy is intriguing, (to me at least), especially since his profession makes him one of "them". Don't know why - am just compelled to share.

  • At 8:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Deep thougths....

    What if you could "find" whatever it is you are looking for, by mentally going back and reliving where you put the thing.

    That people cannot procreate without some sort of test or training program.

    Reverse the energy cycle. As an adult you have more energy than the kids.

  • At 10:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Can't agree more with the piss on everything problem and the male pattern blindness!!! I want to tell the woman who commented anonymously to your blog that she should be glad her husband vacuums or dusts at ALL!!! I'd be happy to find the vacuum in the middle of the room if the floor was ALREADY vacuumed!! Of course, I DO find it in the middle of the room - see male pattern blindness!! As for my own deep thought......I've always wished I could have a HYPERSPACE button that I could just hit when I don't want to be somewhere anymore - and then find myself anywhere but where I already am. I've also wondered what aliens would think if they landed on earth and observed what we consider to be mundane behaviors such as yawning. If they knew NOTHING about human beings, wouldn't they wonder why so many people open their mouths widely several times before putting their bodies in a horizontal position shortly afterward?? Would they knew that laughing was happiness or crying was sadness? or would they mix them up since they don't know the universal body language we're accustomed to. I have many more deep thoughts, but this is YOUR blog... and I LOVE it!!!!!

  • At 11:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i **love** George Carlin!!!

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    I was thinking about #1. I sleep on my side with my arms up, elbows bent, palms together. I either put my hands under my pillow or under my cheek. Since I was pregnant for over 3 years total, I have a hard time sleeping on my back. Try it! I think it'll work for you!! Good luck!

  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger Sarahviz said…

    Right below that picture, when you said "I don't think objectification is all it's cracked up to be", was that PUN INTENDED? Because that woman's crack was pretty much staring at me.

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What a great post. Very funny!

    Sometimes, when I'm trying to get a point across and can't seem to find the right words, I wish I could just turn on a switch to allow my listener access to my brain. If they could only see the picture I have in my head, I know it would all make sense. I think it would work the other way too; if I could see into other people's brains once in a while.

  • At 11:02 AM, Blogger Sam said…

    Hi. Your blog is funny. I sleep on my side too and will sign your removable arms petition.

  • At 7:43 AM, Blogger foop said…

    To point #10, I was gutted - GUTTED - when I figured out that ee cummings had died before I was born, meaning that we had never been on the earth at the same time.

    OK, I was 20 and given to a bit of the dramatic, but still. I was in LURVE.

    And Jocelyn Wildenstein (#8) YIPES!!! No wonder her ex chased her out of the house with a hunting rifle. OH, the slippery slope of plastic surgery.

  • At 7:48 AM, Blogger foop said…

    Oops, that would be point #8. Maybe it's just that ee is a ten. Or something...


  • At 2:45 PM, Blogger Poppy said…

    3. I don't wonder, but only because I know they do understand and speak English when they feel like it. Which is never. sigh.


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