Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Thank Goodness The Kid Can't Spell

As a woman who had no brothers growing up, I have seriously underestimated both the amount of time that boys spend thinking about sex, and the age at which it begins.

But here's a helpful piece of parenting wisdom for you...

When your 9 year old son's computer logs a Google search for virginia.com, he is not researching vacation destinations.

Use your imagination. I'll wait.

Mmmhmmm.

This is what comes of having thirteen year old brothers. Who has friends who have seventeen year old brothers. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

For this reason, Diminutive One will always be older and wiser than his years as was my younger sister. And, he will take it upon himself to educate his more innocent peers.

Also, as Husband pointed out to me, when Pre-Pubescent One is 21, Diminutive One will be 18. Wonderful.

Pre-Pubescent One is a rule follower. He worries about getting into trouble. He worries about dying. Alone and legal, I'm sure he would be quite responsible. Well...I choose to believe that anyway.

But with his younger brother; the rogue, the mischief maker, the envelope pusher egging him on....

Oy.

I'm just going to stock up on activated charcoal and purchase a stomach pump now.

And I'm going to try not to think about all the dumb stuff I did. Or the fact that Husband nearly killed himself in a souped up Camaro when he was a teenager.

My kids are getting a Yugo. They still make those, right?

You guys think you got problems with potty training? Shoot. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Try talking to your kids about masturbation. Safe sex. ANAL sex. No, I am not kidding. They teach it in health class in SEVENTH GRADE. Not, you know, how to do it, but what it is, and the fact that it might prevent pregnancy, but not STD's.

That'll teach me to sign a permission slip. Because then they come home and ask me stuff.

I've been to the trenches man. It's ugly. Very, very ugly. And the battle is far from over. I still have to get through the actual teen years.

Moms should get hazard pay. Or at least, a lifetime supply of haircolor and Valium.

What was that I was just saying about them not objectifying women?

Lookout all you gals who live in Virginia. Heh.

33 Comments:

  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger Pioneering in PA said…

    My oldest is 11. And, they just received the Sex Education talk in school. I was trying to grasp the fact that my oldest, who is still so much a child, might have the "urges" that come with being pre-pubescent. I try not to think about it, it really makes me shudder. Badly. He's still supposed to be innocent!

     
  • At 9:46 AM, Anonymous Doug said…

    At dinner the other night, we had a discussion on how there is no reason for teens to get pregnant. While I believe teens should not be having sex, I'm a realist (especially since my son has a classmate who is due very soon).

    He rolled his eyes and said, "you can get off your soapbox, I'm not that stupid". Knowing him and his girlfriends moral background, I'm sure he's not getting any.

    Perhaps on the bright side, if PPO is the rule follower, he may influence DO. At least you can hope.

     
  • At 10:08 AM, Anonymous Amy Nathan said…

    GEEZ LOUISE, BA! Crazy, stuff. I know. Today my son turns 16. Which means drivers license. I think it just keeps getting worse until one day it's better! (actually I adore all the milestones, even though I am no longer allowed to photograph them).

     
  • At 10:12 AM, Blogger Mad Hatter said…

    At least you are one of the moms who will answer the questions that are asked when they are asked. That's bound to help curb some of the stupidity, right? (Please say, I'm right. I need these castles in the air.)

    From my experience, he will have no trouble finding Virginia but you might have to explain to him the importance of clinton.com--if'n you know what I mean.

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Clinton.com. Bwah!

    I'm one of the potty-training moms right now. As a single mom, my biggest worry is trying to figure out how to teach him to pee standing up.

    My stomach drops at the aspect of what's to come.

     
  • At 11:49 AM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    Well. I just really hope my third isn't a boy, because I don't think I could take 3 teenaged boys all at once.

    ALthough, it could be worse. They could all be girls.

     
  • At 12:10 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I work for Allstate and so far my biggest apprehension about my boys becoming teenagers has been the cost of our auto insurance.
    Thank you for giving me something else to worry about, as it was getting old. :)

     
  • At 12:44 PM, Blogger margalit said…

    I've read a lot of these kind of posts over the years and I've come to the conclusion that I'm a weird mom. I don't have problems at all talking to my kids about sex. Ever. Even dental dams have been dinnertime conversation. Now that I think about it, it's no wonder why every kid in town wants to be at our dinner table. Hmmm.

    Just relax and think of it like talking to one of your girlfriends. It's not hard, and if you just leave out the discomfort you'll be thrilled to see how easy the conversations actually go.

     
  • At 12:59 PM, Anonymous flybunny said…

    Last week my 10 yr old daughter asked me what a wet dream was - so I told her. She giggled and expressed relief that she wouldn't have to worry about that and I informed her that bleeding every month wasn't a walk in the park.

    We have been very open and honest with her because she is much like PPO, you follow the rules no ifs ands or buts about it.

    I think the 9 yr old and DO could give each other a run for their money. We are currently stocking up on Grey Goose for the impending teenage years.

     
  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous mamatulip said…

    Okay. I get nervous when I think about talking to my kids about all this stuff, but in a way I kind of look forward to it, because I want my kids to be educated, about themselves and their bodies and what they may want to do with their bodies later on down the road.

    So I'm reading this and I'm thinking, masturbation...yeah, I can handle that. Safe sex...yeah, I can handle that. Then I get to the part where you mention ANAL sex.

    Nope. Can't handle that.

    LOL!

     
  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    I hear Virginia is lovely this time of year.

    OoOooooOoohhh!

     
  • At 2:05 PM, Anonymous Veronica Mitchell said…

    I was fortunate to have a mom who talked to us about EVERYTHING, and in very clinical language. I hope I am that unflappable with my kids.

     
  • At 3:25 PM, Blogger All Things BD said…

    I've got two girls, 5 and 7, and I'm not looking forward to those discussions.

    Although, the 5 year old cornered my husband one day and queried relentlessly until he had to tell her exactly where things go during sex in order to make a baby.

    I couldn't believe he had to talk about that so early. I want him to learn some evasive skills just for the next few years until I'M ready for them to know these things.

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    I can't stop laughing about Virginia!

     
  • At 5:16 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    May I recommend a Vespa? No backseats.

    Now I'm going to go hide under the covers until my kid is 30.

    Oh wait, one last thing.

    Virginia is for lovers, no?

    ;)

     
  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    Oh my gosh, you make me laugh. I too vote for hazard pay, haircolor, and Valium. Why limit ourselves to just one?
    My daughter turns the big 18 next week, and my son just turned 21. I spent their entire childhoods wishing they would just grow up and now they are doing it in spite of me. If I had a dime for every one of these instances I would be rich indeed!

     
  • At 7:12 PM, Blogger Jaime said…

    scared. very scared. LOL

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger JaniceNW said…

    Oh girl, your boys haven't even begun to ask you questions. Try this on for size: my just turned 17yo shaves his pubic hair. Why? I can't even go there. How do I know? He told me. He was kidding around about something, mentioned it and I responded no freaking way! That itches like a bitch. Guess what I got a glimpse of? Not even started girl.

     
  • At 8:48 PM, Blogger kevin said…

    My brother is seven years my senior, and I have to say this came in handy growing up for a number of reasons. It made pornography more easily accessible and as I got older his deal was that he would buy the alcohol for me as long as he got to keep the change. I guess it was like a finders fee or something.

    As an adult I got to watch and learn when it came to things like marriage and fatherhood. Not just how to make them work but also how not to. I learned from his mistakes.

    One problem you may encounter that my mother never did however was what happens when two brothers fight over the same girl. I'm not sure what happens then, but you know a teenage cupie would eat that shit up.

     
  • At 9:57 PM, Blogger Cathy said…

    My stepson was 13 when I started to type in Bank of A. and Big T*ts something-or-other showed up in the address bar.

     
  • At 10:40 PM, Blogger C.M. said…

    Hm. My son is the quiet one.

    My 17yo daughter, on the other hand, gets a real kick out of saying "Mom? I'm pregnant. Just kidding."

    Veeeery funny.

     
  • At 12:02 AM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    I had sex for the first time at a rather early age because I wanted to know what it was all about. I had never seen a naked man before.

    So I feel kind of strongly about sex ed. The more, the better IMO

     
  • At 1:04 AM, Blogger jen said…

    Virginia.com

    i am totally cracking up.

     
  • At 6:32 AM, Blogger Jenn said…

    I'll even take my hazard pay in the form of margarita's.

     
  • At 8:20 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    virginia.com

    Bwahhaaaaa.

     
  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    I'm skeered. Very skeered.

     
  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger Baroness von Bloggenschtern said…

    This brings new meaning to smoking a Virginia Slim...

    (sorry - couldn't resist)

     
  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Also, a special warning for moms of teenaged boys: Beware suddenly opening their closed bedroom doors. You might see more than you should. I had this happen twice, and now I won't open any door for any amount of money!

     
  • At 12:02 PM, Blogger Rock the Cradle said…

    Damn.

    And here I am complaining that my three-year old is outgrowing her naps.

    Mmm. Perspective.

     
  • At 3:14 PM, Blogger AA said…

    So, let's go back to the questions post.... Yesterday on the way to basketball practice (in the midst of the many questions per mile) my 10 year old asked me if sex was fun. I said yes. He kind of freaked out a little. I think he thought it was just for procreation. I explained that is why we hear so much about it in songs and movies. I was relieved he didn't ask me if the boyfriend and I do it. I know that is coming.

    We had the sex talk in kindergarten and masturbation was even before that--- he is very open with me about masturbation, but I don't think he knows that term. I just realized I probably need to tell him.

     
  • At 4:14 PM, Blogger creative-type dad said…

    I'm moving my family to a cave.... far away from Virginia.

     
  • At 10:19 PM, Anonymous slackermommy said…

    I'm a nurse so I figured my matter of fact approach to the human body would make talking sex with my kids easier. It hasn't been too bad so far with my oldest girls but I freak out about talking to my son. I'm so uncomfortable I guess because I remember all too well what teenage boys were like and it makes me feel all icky that my son will have those same urges. I will be turning to you for advice and making sure he doesn't get too interested in Virginia too soon!

     
  • At 10:44 PM, Blogger Jozet at Halushki said…

    "virginia.com"

    ROFL!!!

    I just read another post where a teen daughter had a long conversation about masturbation and instead meant menstruation, lol.

    The fun never ends.

     

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