Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Idolatry

I don't often write pop culture commentary because it's done to death.

And honestly, I don't watch much television and I don't pay much attention to whom is the fame whore du jour. Admittedly there are a couple notable exceptions; those who court fame with such fervor that it's hard to be unaware of them, the way it is hard to be unaware of a boil on one's backside.

But today I'm going to come clean and admit that....I watch Americal Idol.

I know. Shocking, isn't it? So common.

I didn't used to. I really couldn't stomach watching all those poor discordant schlubs being led before the judges like lambs to the slaughter and then mocked mercilessly on national television.

That Lemur guy? I wanted to hug him until his protruberant little eyes popped right out of his head. And the Star Wars girl reminded me of every painful moment I ever had growing up. I wanted to be her friend and put make-up on her.

I still don't watch that part. It makes me squirm. I feel their embarassment. It's hell being so empathetic. It often puts the kibosh on perfectly good opportunities to ridicule stupid people.

But Husband finally sucked me in during Season 5. It was a little embarassing how quickly I succumbed after being so adamantly and vocally opposed to such nonsense. But, it is what it is, and now I watch it without (for the most part) apology.

At first, I was really crushing on Jason Castro. Because, let's be blunt...looking at him is like having sex with angels. It's a transcendant experience.

And I really was impressed with his first performance. He seemed like a natural and his voice, while not powerful, was very pleasing in a Peter, Paul and Mary kind of way. That's not a gibe, by the way. I really like Peter, Paul and Mary.

The Mama in me wanted to take him under my wing and teach him how to speak in a complete sentence, and perhaps take him down to the local soda fountain and buy him a milkshake after elocution lessons.

The hot 20 year old with a tight ass and gravity defying breasts that still lives somewhere deep, deep, deep inside me wanted to climb aboard, grab the reins that he has so oblingingly grown out of his very head and ride that blue eyed bucking bronc til the break of dawn.

But through the course of the competition, he continued to speak. Before long I was forced to admit that, beautiful although he may be, after using him for my own base purposes, there would be very little to hold my attention. Call me particular, but I enjoy a sexual plaything that can conjugate a verb properly.

I needed a new Idol obsession interest, and although David Archuleta is no doubt populating the dreams of pre-pubescent girls everywhere, he is only a few years older than my oldest son, and therefore, the skeeve factor was just too great for me to entertain any satisfyingly prurient thoughts about him.

And then, out of nowhere, came David Cook.

I had pretty much dismissed him at the outset, because I just couldn't get past that nightmare of a hairdo.

Oh I enjoyed his vocals. He has a gritty, soulful, rocksy-bluesy thing that is really appealing. But a rock star without the proper degree of pretty is like a vibrator without the rabbit. It just doesn't get the job done.

So I closed my eyes to the raw material that lay beneath that cock's comb-over.

But eventually somebody backstage got wise and he got a bit of an overhaul.

And all of a sudden I was like...Hello? David Cook? Did you know you were HAWT underneath all that Dippity Do?

I began really paying attention and I realized that he has a lot of qualities that I find truly irresistable; bedroom eyes, full sculpted lips, strong jaw, and a big....brain. The guy has some mad vocab skillz and that makes me extremely libidinous. (See David? We have so much in common!)

So he had all that going for him.

And then...and THEN....

He sang "The Music Of The Night" from Phantom of the Opera.

It's probably the most sensual, the most romantic, the most electrifying song from the entire show. It's amazing as a soaring theatrical production number. As a soft and dreamy rock(ish) ballad that David imbued with his own uniquely smoldering tenderness, it was absolutely SMOKIN.

I don't know if he upstaged Michael Crawford, (the original and best Phantom) but he certainly gave him a run for his money.

By the end of his performance, I was a steaming puddle of girly goo in my ugly teal green recliner. I may or may not have been drooling and chanting "I want your babies" to myself, even though I swore ten years ago that the production line was shutting down for good due to structural damages sustained during the delivery of the second Antagonist child. That kid had a cranium to rival David's own sizeable noggin.

My Husband is aware of my, erm...fondness for Cookie, by the way, as he was my little Jason flirtation. Strangely, he's not at all threatened by that. I could choose to be insulted, but instead I am choosing to see it as a demonstration of his deep, abiding trust in the strength and sanctity of our marriage.

Whatev.



So...Simon can bite me. That was amazing. And Paula needs to keep her thoughts about David's instrument to herself.

I have to add, that aside from the technical prowess of his performance, it's somewhat gratifying and refreshing to realize that he actually comprehends the meaning of words like "unfurls", "tremulous" and "garish".

His fan community, which is pretty rabid but essentially harmless, call themselves "Wordnerds", which is a term he applied to himself in a video interview.

Truly, a guy after my own heart. We would make such beautiful Scrabble together.

Alas, sweet Cookie, I am spoken for. And my Husband is a truly wonderful guy.

But I do hope you find a girl who can appreciate you for what you are. When you're famous, and you will be...don't fall prey to bimbos, skanks and hos. And for God's sake stay the hell away from likes of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. Her ass isn't all that great anyway.

Mine was better, once upon a time.

28 Comments:

  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger Mitzi Green said…

    oh, no, no, no, no, NO--don't do it. don't fall under the david cook spell. please. i beg of thee. bs is a suburb of Where I Live, and in fact, my father in law was cook's orchestra band teacher. that's right--orchestra band. even the band geeks make fun of the kids in orchestra. don't believe the hype!

    though i admit, not much for eye candy this season. castro needs to lay off the weed for a few days so he can finish a coherent thought, and archuleta positively looks like he's going to burst into tears and have a mariah carey-worthy mental breakdown any moment...

     
  • At 12:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I myself live in BS and although I do not watch American Idol (I like you have too much empathy for people and it pains me to hear one criticized) I am all for David Cook...just because he is hometown! :)

     
  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    This totally cracked me up, BA.

     
  • At 1:42 PM, Blogger Avalon said…

    I dismissed Cook completely at the beginning of the season, but have been impressed at how much he has improved.

    Having said that, I find nothing sexy about him at all. Too pasty looking. As for talent. Archuleta wins that contest!

     
  • At 2:15 PM, Blogger Dori said…

    I had to come out of lurkdom for this one. Because, shhh...I'm an AI fan too. But don't tell anyone. In fact, I just found out today that a very dear friend of mine is as well--we've been hiding it from each other thinking the other would poke fun.

    Yes, David Cook's performance last night had me a little, um...moist. Sigh.

     
  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    I laughed seriously hard at this post! The vibrator without a rabbit!?? Mercy!

    Thank God for DVR's so I can fast forward through the evil season opening bashes. Blagh!

     
  • At 2:38 PM, Blogger JaniceNW said…

    LOL BA is human after all. Snicker. None of the guys do anything for me. I think the girl who opened last night was awesome. We really only watch because there's nothing worthy on any other channel, except maybe PBS, but I can't get hub to watch PBS.

     
  • At 2:56 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Though not a fan of the show I do appreciate and revel in the true genius and ribald humor of your breakdown.

    Bravura!

     
  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger thailandchani said…

    It's just not my nature to "crush" on anyone... or fantasize about them. Just the same, David Cook was the best of the evening, handled the song beautifully and it was a joy to listen.

     
  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger West Coast Diva said…

    David Cook -- ahh yes, you all can have him after I am done with him. I am willing to share:) Jason -- well the kid needs to lay off the weed so he can finish a thought:) And having sex with a guy with dreds can be kinda smelly, because many boys who have dreds think that if you wash your hair you will won't get the knots, when in reality washing the hair and stripping the oils out will make dreads form faster because knots form more easily, in fact, in dry, clean, unconditioned hair:)

    Anyhow I got sidelined. I am digging David Cook. Oh yeah.

    I.love.your.blog

     
  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger e said…

    you know, I wasn't that into David Cook when I was watching the show, but you're right, after watching him sing "Phantom," I think it might be love.

    I kind of just want to cuddle up in bed and pet him while he says big words to me.

     
  • At 4:48 PM, Blogger Hairline Fracture said…

    This post was too funny. Can't say I had lustful thoughts about David C., but I do like his singing!

     
  • At 4:56 PM, Blogger sltbee69 said…

    Ha ha! Loving this post! The thing I hate about AI is that for the most part it seems like the voters only vote based upon outward appearances and not pure talent. Prime example, Jason Castro. I think the boy has fried his brain smoking the ganja.

     
  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I'm also a recently new Idol watcher. And Jason Castro was my first favorite but I think he's had a joint too many, personally.

    I didn't care for David at first but last night he blew.me.away. I am a huge Phantom fan and often listen to the soundtrack... And he was definitely surprisingly astounding in that performance.

    Shawn and I both had goosebumps!!!

    I liked Jason's song, too, though it was strange to hear it sung with a male's voice.

     
  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger flutter said…


    The hot 20 year old with a tight ass and gravity defying breasts that still lives somewhere deep, deep, deep inside me wanted to climb aboard, grab the reins that he has so oblingingly grown out of his very head and ride that blue eyed bucking bronc til the break of dawn.


    that is SO wrong....*snort*

    ok but last week, really? What DC did to that Mariah Carey song? I was a heap of gooey goo. I love that guy.

     
  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger Mac and Cheese said…

    I'm watching the results show as we speak. You crack me up.

     
  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Baroness von Bloggenschtern said…

    "We could make such beautiful Scrabble together". Ahh. I, too, love guys with really big...vocabularies. ;)

     
  • At 10:19 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    I think you just saved me from having to add one more tv show to my roster. I'd rather just read your updates. Easier on my ears.

     
  • At 6:17 AM, Blogger kevin said…

    For some good mindless entertainment check out the auditions for some of the Idol shows from other countries. It's amazing how culturally universal cheese is.

     
  • At 8:28 AM, Blogger Wisconsin Mommy said…

    I also love AI...been watching since the first season (shhhh). David Cook is simply amazing. What he does with songs is so creative - even that Mariah Carey song that I always hated. The one thing I can't stand about the show is how the wrong people seem to get voted off near the end. Daughtry got axed and Jordan Sparks won??? Seriously??? At least it seems anyone in the top 10 gets a shot at a recording contract, so we hear more from them no matter how the crazy public votes!

     
  • At 8:50 AM, Blogger ~*~ Jennifer ~*~ said…

    is like a vibrator without the rabbit.

    I have no idea what this means.

    And -- I haven't watched the show either. But I still read your blog today. LOL

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Anonymous Doug said…

    Your Husband should be playing reruns of AI so he can reap the benefits of how it "affects" you. Brings a whole new meaning to You Tube.

    I still can't get over how much he looks like a woman, although I cannot place the person he reminds me of.

    Jennifer....type rabbit vibrator into Google and you will understand.

     
  • At 12:29 PM, Blogger womaninawindow said…

    It would be an interesting cultural study to compare who likes the early auditions to who likes the meat and dumplings of the later talent. I'm afraid -no happy that- there would be a huge chasm between. And oh yes, I followed the cute dimples of the boy with the dreds. My kids would shout, "Your cutie is on!" but as I wondered aloud last night if that stool was stapled to his ass, my husband said, "Is he disabled?" And maybe so, vernacularly speaking. So, yes, YES, to David's huge noggin and his soulful phantomness, sultry, someone gonna-love-him artistry. YeS!

     
  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger womaninawindow said…

    MEET!!!!!!! Argh!!!!!!! Why can't I spell!

     
  • At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Jen said…

    Oh good, more Jason for me to love on since you are done with him. I'm so glad David C. got rid of his Tinkerbell hair. This is a much better look for him.

     
  • At 2:08 PM, Blogger Boliath said…

    "The hot 20 year old with a tight ass and gravity defying breasts that still lives somewhere deep, deep, deep inside me wanted to climb aboard, grab the reins that he has so oblingingly grown out of his very head and ride that blue eyed bucking bronc til the break of dawn."

    Snorting right along with flutter and right there with you too, what fabulous imagery. I smoke too much ganga myself so he and I could have inane conversations after the hip dislocating shagging - woo hoo!

     
  • At 4:32 PM, Blogger womaninawindow said…

    Oh, I'm glad I found my way back, ah yes, meat, I knew I was right in the first place. Actually, I spent 45 minutes trying to track this mismisspelling down. Officially, my spellification abilities suck. Sorry.

     
  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger Sensitiva McFeelingsly said…

    I love this post.

    I have not been watching Idol this season... I went on strike after Melinda Doolittle got the boot last season - yep, still mad about that. :)

    However, I regularly develop harmless crushes on reality tv guys. My favorite recently was Ozzy on Survivor. Sigh. I was really sad when he got the boot last week.

    However, the Phantom song was pretty well done, and he does have a pretty nice-looking face, AND I do happen to have an empty spot for a new reality tv crush.... it might be time to tune in again... :)

     

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