Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

No Matter How Good You Are, They Are Always Better

See, I think one must have kids to maintain one's mental acuity.

It's the constant struggle to stay one step ahead of one's offspring that sharpens our senses, keeps us dancing on the balls of our intellectual toes like a boxer waiting for the next punch, and teaches us to expect the unexpected.

It makes one preternaturally aware of danger, evil, malfeasance and fraud. It hones ones' ability to intuit, assess and avert disaster. Crisis management becomes second nature. We are always watching, always waiting, always prepared, even in moments of repose or reflection.

I've been doing this for 13 years now. I'm awfully good at sniffing out trouble. I don't even make a conscious effort most of the time, it's just this annoyingly pervasive awarness that is always with me. It's an internal voice that whispers constantly in my ear.

Sometimes it suggests in gentle, soothing tones that I go investigate the uncharacteristic quiet that has descended. Sometimes, it shrieks with an urgency to which every cell in my body immediately reacts, even before my mind can comprehend the danger.

And, still? I miss stuff.

Often that which slips beneath my maternal radar is inconsequential. And occasionally it is not. But it all gives me gray hair, because it comes with the horror of "what if?"

This week my children have absconded from the house in great haste each morning lest they be pressed into service. They want no part of the drugery that comes with home improvement, although Diminutive One was very anxious to try his hand at paint rolling.

Our house is sort of the neighborhood gathering place and often I have a crowd of boys in my yard and my home. Yesterday however, we banished the masses so we could work, and my kids disappeared with the rest of the pack.

At lunchtime, Husband called Pre-Pubescent One on his cell phone, which is something we rarely do, just because he's not often away from us for extended periods of time unless he's at school.

He did't answer, but we weren't concerned. He customarily takes it off while he's playing rough and tumble sports such as football. He takes care of that thing with singleminded sense of purpse that I wish he would demonstrate for his room.

What did concern and just stunned both of us, really, was the voice mail greeting he had recorded:

"Hi, this is Pre-Pubescent One. I can't answer the phone right now, please leave a message with your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Oh, and while you're at it...

(cue .wav of Stan Cartman) "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS?"


Oh no he di-nt.

I can't even figure out how to change the ringtone on my cell phone and my 13 year old kid is uploading dirty .wav files to his voice mail?

I never saw that one coming.

It rankled me something fierce.

As Husband relayed to me his discovery, he strove for a somber, disapproving mein, but the corners of his mouth twitched deceptively.

"It's not funny." I said accusingly.

"I'm not laughing." he said

"You're laughing on the inside" I said.

"Nooooooo. I would never."

Then he snorted. And I snorted. And then we were both laughing. We laughed long and hard. Because South Park is funny. And Cartman hollering "SUCK MY BALLS" through a megaphone at Mr. Garrison is funny. And the way he engineered the file to fit into his message, was funny.

The whole flippin thing was funny EXCEPT the fact, that it was on my 13 year old son's voicemail.

When he came home, he was told that the voicemail would have to go, and that furthermore, his download capability had been curtailed, until such time as he could be more responsible in deciding what is appropriate. He was warned that the next such abuse would result in the loss of his phone.

"Dude, what if Grandma had called you?"

He paled a little bit at that. It was not something he had considered, and truth be told, it's an extremely remote possibility. But it drove the point home. The horror of "what if", always does.

You see? No matter how good you are, they are always better.

SIGH. It's alright. Being on one's toes constantly results in strong shapely metaphorical calves.

Now...what to do about these metaphorical thighs?


  • At 2:10 PM, Blogger Alison said…

    Dude, that IS funny. But I wouldn't let my son have that on his voice mail either (in 11 years that is). My thinking is, some things are appropriate for representing yourself in public, and some are not. (At least you had time to compose yourselves before he got home.)

    I must admit I am tired thinking about staying on my metaphorical toes for 20 more years.

  • At 2:31 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    you were way more on your toes, I would have pissed myself

  • At 5:02 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Snort. I think it's wicked funny. But I'd do the same as you and make him take it off. And then I'd go hide in my room and laugh my ass off.

  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    Kids these days. Honestly. SNort.

  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger Mom101 said…

    There are some days that you get me so excited to get past the toddler years.

    And then there are some days...well, wow. I'm not ready.

  • At 9:53 PM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    Laughing inside & out. Oh. My. Gosh. but then, my kids are 26 & 22

    I worked for a time as a recruiter. We called folks who had inquired about various customer service positions for a variety of clients. As you might imagine we got a lot of voice mails messages and customized ringtones. It was quite obvious that many folks across the country have not learned -what- is appropriate. If I could have disqualified people of the basis of their voice mail messages, I would have. Really.

  • At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I passed my old cell phone down to my 10 year old. He did more with it and to it in the first 24 hours he had it than I did in the 2 years I had it. And it was the first cell phone he had ever had to mess with.

    He has now recorded R-E-S-P-E-C-T from the radio in the truck and has it as the ringtone when I call.

  • At 10:57 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    Too funny

    You can't be cool if you are the parent though.

    Too funny

  • At 12:08 AM, Blogger Tania said…

    ...and I'm still coming to terms with the fact that a 13 year-old even has a cell phone!

    Funny kid, that one.

  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger Shelley said…

    I laughed a really long time at the "suck my balls" thing. You've got quite the clever Pre-Pubescent One there. Now if only you can harness those powers for good and not evil. :)

    I have a 13 year-old too (and a 16 year-old, both girls), so I know exactly what you mean about staying on your toes. I discovered on her MySpace page the other day (which I check DAILY), that next to her name at the top it said "Whore." So the title was "Her Name [Whore]". I confronted her immediately.

    "Mom, it's just a joke! Other friend's says "skank" and third friend's says "slut" and we all did it together and it's funny and it's just a joke!!"

    My response to her was change it, or you're banned from the computer indefinitely. Strangely, when I looked 5 minutes later it was changed. Oh, and her phone is also blocked from downloads, because I kept getting extra charges on my bill. I am so unreasonable. (She says.)

    My metaphorical calves look great.

  • At 6:59 PM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    I'm sorry for laughing but I thought this was very funny. We love South Park. I think your son has your sense of humor. Kids kill me. My son learned the word "douche bag" from the kids on his golf team. He said it so much that I finally told him that if he said it one. more. time. he'd have to do a report on what one was and how one is used. He stopped saying it. LOL! :)

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Shelley Jaffe said…

    I do believe that THIS is the hardest part of being a mom. Because both my boys have amazing senses of humour, and I've lost track of how many times I wanted to guffaw, but had to squell it to maintain the company line. I die a little every time, because they're so freaking funny!

    As for the metaphorical thighs, I think you need a metaphorical Suzanne Sommers Thigh Master.

    I leave you to fill in the broad strokes (ooh, poor choice of words-sorry).

  • At 7:17 AM, Blogger Pgoodness said…


  • At 9:55 AM, Blogger sltbee69 said…

    LMAO! You can't help but laugh about that. Thank goodness you were able to get your laughing done before he got home. Once they know you think it's funny, it's over.

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Woman in a Window said…

    What, a good parent thinking South Park is funny? My husband will be so pleased! Funny how the toes thing works, eh? "Always" on your toes isn't always enough, is it? But that's living...

  • At 2:13 PM, Blogger Mama Smurf said…

    Oh that's good!

  • At 4:28 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    I'm totally not laughing. Really.


    Okay, maybe a little.

  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger Kelly said…

    "Dude, what if Grandma had called you?" That was almost as funny as Cartman himself.

  • At 1:43 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I do not know how you had that conversation with a straight face! Because it wasn't my kid, I can laugh right? ;)

    That boy ... well, I will just say I love his spirit.

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    Okay, when you and your husband began to snicker and laugh..that's us.

    We would have been SO glad we heard that before so we could have composed himself....

    Okay now on to the post that led me

  • At 12:53 AM, Blogger Christine said…

    Oh, how I know those days are coming..

    It's a fine line; I hope my kids also teeter towards the silly, like yours did.

    I also hope that we catch them, like you did.

    I know for sure my husband and I will be giggling while we figure out what their punishments will be (again, as you did).

    You rock.


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