Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Only Me

I was applying mascara yesterday in preparation for an impromptu trip to Wal-Mart. I know, mascara is not a prerequisite for shopping at Wal-Mart. Hell, teeth are not a pre-requisite for shopping at Wal-Mart.

But because we spent all of Spring Break doing home improvement, I hadn't had make-up or decent clothes on in over a week, and my hair had been up in a ponytail for so many days in a row that I was developing a sore spot on top of my head.

Needless to say, I was feeling very frumpy and dishevelled. Plus, I was grouchy and irritable thanks to Eve and her inability to follow one very simple little directive.

I thought putting on some make-up and fixing my hair a little might brighten my outlook.

Alas, my mascara has apparently reached the threshold whereby it stops being all smooth and creamy and becomes the consistency of spackle. When I finished applying it, I realized that I was looking decidedly Tammy Fay-ish.

But rather than take it off and start over, I pulled out my handy dandy safety pin, which I keep at hand for just such an emergency.

As I was using it separate my spiderifficly gummed up lashes, I thought to myself...

Gee, wouldn't it suck if I slipped and poked myself in the eyeball with this thing?

And then I poked myself right in the eyeball with that thing.

My four thousand dollar eyeball.

Well, two thousand, really, cause it was four thousand total for the surgery.

Foolhardy thought it may be, I've been using a pin to separate my lashes since I began wearing mascara 25 years ago, and not once have I poked myself in the eye. Not once have I even considered that I might poke myself in the eye.

And then, as soon as the thought was thunk, it happened. It's as if my brain somehow short circuited right at that very moment.

Weird.

Only me, People. Only me.

Don't worry, it's fine. Corneas heal quickly thank God, and I didn't like...impale my eyeball.

It's just a little surface scratch, which I've gotten before from getting debris under my contact lenses, games of "Hey! My Mom has an eyeball too!" and various other cosmetic industrial/household accidents.

Right about now, you should be feeling like the smartest person on the planet in comparison.

Superiority. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

29 Comments:

  • At 3:33 PM, Anonymous Baroness von Bloggenschtern said…

    Two old adages jump to mind: 1)It's all fun and mascara until someone puts out an eye, and 2)What price beauty?

    Apparently, it's 2K.

     
  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    I am feeling a "you might be a redneck if..." joke coming on, but I'll spare you this time. HA! Terrible to laugh at your pain, but I simply can't help myself. So sorry..

     
  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger Hairline Fracture said…

    My mom used to tell me when I complained while she fixed my hair, "You've got to suffer to be beautiful." I don't think she meant poke your eyeball with a pin, though!

     
  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger Leigh said…

    I am so freaked out at the thought of anyone poking their eyeball with a pin that I now have to get off of the computer so that I can curl up in a fetal position and try and forget that I even read this. And I was JUST ABOUT to blog. I will have you know that all three of my blog readers are going to hate you now. I hope you are happy.

     
  • At 7:15 PM, Blogger Christine said…

    Oy. My toes won't uncurl.

     
  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger slouching mom said…

    ouch! ouch! ouch!

     
  • At 7:47 PM, Anonymous MommyWizdom said…

    The power of suggestion is a powerful thing. This is why they say you should always think positive (not negative). Glad you're ok. You don't want to hear about my Hubby's incident with super glue. He's ok too, but after much drama and a trip to the ER, OUCH!

     
  • At 8:45 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Heck, I can't even put Visene in my eyes. Oh. My. Goodness.

    Glad all is well. Mascara application, not just a job, its an adventure. ;)

     
  • At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Dawn said…

    I once thought a thought when I was 12 years old...I was in the back seat of my Dad's Impala, with the window WIDE open and the family dog on my lap. I was holding his collar so that he wouldn't jump out (he LOVED the outdoors) and was thinking, "What would happen if I let go of his collar? He would NEVER jump out!"

    In my deep thoughts, I must have let go. Yep...he jumped out. He had a bump on his nose for the rest of his life thanks to me.

    Self-fulfilling prophecies...UGH.

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Aren't you supposed to use a toothbrush for that?? Oh, please, do so from now on! Yikes-a-roonie!

     
  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger womaninawindow said…

    Why do I feel so stupid then? I only have laziness to thank that I didn't ever do this. I used to do said smartness with safety pin but now I really don't care enough to do the whole apply, remove, repeat thing. I just don't do any of it. Presto. Eyeballs intact!

     
  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    Ow ow ow. Sharp objects. Eyes. One of these things is not like the other!

     
  • At 10:44 PM, Blogger jen said…

    BA, i adore you.

    wildly.

    and i even have teeth.

     
  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    So... Do you have to wear a patch over your eye? (You might be feeling superior now that I've asked that question.) And if so, can I bring you to meet a bunch of kindergarteners and tell them you're a pirate?

     
  • At 12:57 AM, Blogger Lara said…

    i poked myself in the eye today with a plastic giraffe because a five-year-old told me he didn't think i could hold it with just my eye socket.

    superiority? not for me.

     
  • At 1:01 AM, Blogger Angela said…

    Oh my

    is that what hand to eye cordornation means?

     
  • At 5:15 AM, Anonymous midlife mommy said…

    It's hard to feel smart when you've done the same thing. Ahem.

     
  • At 7:33 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    Yikes! My aunt was trying to sneak an extra piece of Thanksgiving pie late at night. In her quest to be silent and speedy, she leaned into the fridge and poked herself in the eye with the fork she was holding. She was more embarrassed at having to fess up to what she was doing!

    Hope that abrasion heals quickly. And get some new mascara......the non-clumping kind!

     
  • At 8:03 AM, Blogger THopgood said…

    That's why I'm such a believer in "The Secret". The law of attraction!

    You crack my ass up!

     
  • At 8:37 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    Umm you do know they sell these cute lil eyelash combs right? Check out Walmart the next time you go - but wait till after you buy one (and new mascara) to put on your makeup.

    My eyes are watering just reading this. Yow!

     
  • At 9:21 AM, Blogger Lotta said…

    Oh Lord! Hope your expensive eyeball is ok. When I was in highschool I burnt off my eyelashes lighting a smoke on the stove top.

     
  • At 11:44 AM, Blogger Sensitiva McFeelingsly said…

    AHHHH! That hurt to read!

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Hee hee ~ I hope Wal*Mart was worth all that drama!

    But superior? No, I'm quite confident I've done similar things to myself and much worse.

    I think a little eye makeup remover inside the mascara bottle will help it be less clumpy. FY your I...

     
  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Angela said…

    Might I recommend a very soft baby toothbrush for future use? Heh heh...

     
  • At 6:08 PM, Anonymous andi said…

    I loved the first paragraph of this. Having just been at Wal-Mart, I can vouch for the sad truth within it.

    And this, my dear, is why I don't wear mascara. Well, fear of poking myself in the eye and my inherent laziness.

     
  • At 7:59 PM, Blogger Mental P Mama said…

    College roommate...same thing. Gah.

     
  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger Terri said…

    Oh, ouch! I can't, however, accept your gift of feeling superior as someone who steps on her own feet, gouges herself with her own fingernails and gets her hair caught in the automatic car window.

     
  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger anne said…

    Hee. I use a pin from a corsage to pick through my clumpy eyelashes. I think it offers better control with that big fake pearl ball on the end. And Oh! so sharp too.

    I can't believe there is another body that does this.

     
  • At 3:55 PM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    I'm at a loss for words.

    No more pins for you. Try a little eyelash comb. Hope your eye's OK.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home