Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Out of the Mouths Of Babes

THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.

THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)

Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?

Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.

Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.

Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?

Baby #1: I'm sorry Dude, I'm a little irritable.

Baby #2: You don't say.

Baby #1: It's just that my binky is permanently embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.

Baby #2: I hear ya. This gay outfit is making me a little cranky too.

Baby #1: It's not that bad.

Baby #2: You're just saying that.

Baby #1: That's what friends are for.

Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.

Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.

Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin.

Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.

Baby #2: Yeah. And it doesn't taste like ass.

Baby #1: Watch it.

Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.

Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.

Baby #2: Oh yeah. That's why you put your toes in your mouth.

Baby #1: They satisfy my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.

Baby #2: Not my issue, man.

Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: But your face is riiiiiii-

Baby #2: I said no, Dude. No? means no.

Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.

Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a sippy cup with rainbows on it.

Baby #1: Ouch.

Baby #2: You do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.


Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....



Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.

Baby #1: I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.

Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. Seriously, I think I pissed myself.

Baby #1: Well you're in good company then. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.

Baby #2: No doubt. What's in those things anyway?

Baby #2: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical spongy stuff. We'll probably be sterile someday.

Baby #1: Dude, do not even joke about that.

Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.

Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.

Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)

END SCENE

(Just a note: My kids are on Spring Break, and husband has taken off as well so we can paint, so please forgive my lack of commenting this week.)

16 Comments:

  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger Hairline Fracture said…

    I've always wondered what babies would talk about if they could talk to each other when we aren't around.

    Cute pictures, too!

     
  • At 3:49 PM, Blogger LizardBreath said…

    Oh my God, I have a stitch in my side from laughing. This is brilliant!

     
  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger Sensitiva McFeelingsly said…

    Haha!

    Your cleverness never ceases to amaze!

     
  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    I always gave my kids a silly voice and animated what I thought they must be thinking. For the breastfeeding boys it was "I'm a boob man, myself"..stuff like that. This was great!

     
  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger flutter said…

    *snort*

     
  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    too funny

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Anonymous MommyWizdom said…

    Breasts on the brain. I *swear* I did not look at your blog until after I posted mine.

    Too funny!

    Preschool teacher asks her students, "What animal makes milk?"

    Four year old, hesitantly raises, hand. "Mommy does."

    True story!

     
  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    Oh my Christ, I think I peed myself while reading this. And that's not cool when you're not wearing a diaper.

    BTW, CUTE BABY!

     
  • At 8:57 AM, Blogger THopgood said…

    VERY, very funny! Thanks for the laugh!

     
  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger Carol said…

    How does one go about nominating a "perfect post" award? I'm still cracking up!

    Carol

     
  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger sltbee69 said…

    Hilarious! I love it!

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger Mental P Mama said…

    Priceless. Love that chair and the flower around the tv!

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    LoL. Priceless.

     
  • At 6:55 AM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    LMAO.

     
  • At 4:10 PM, Blogger Rock the Cradle said…

    This just made my millennium.

    I so needed that laugh.

     
  • At 8:55 AM, Blogger Tracey said…

    Snort... VERY funny, hon.

     

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