Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

I've Got A Fever Burning Inside Of Me

I have a secret to share with you, but first I must ask you not to tell my Husband.

It's the kind of thing that could really send him into a tailspin.

Can I rely on your discretion? Promise? Okay...

The Coach's wife has a baby. He is 7 months old. Some of you have heard me mention him a time or two in previous posts.

She is a year older than me and the baby was a "surprise". Surprised though they were, they have come to realize that their family was just not complete without him.

He is a beautiful baby and pretty happy go lucky. One has to be, I suppose, when one has two older siblings with hectic schedules into which one must fit.

It's hard to be away from home with a baby, even a happy go lucky one. And like both of my boys, he eschews stroller sitting. He wants to be where the action is. He spends most of the games standing in her lap, jumping up and down. What he'd really like to do is get down and join the big boys on the field and it won't be too terribly long, in Mother years before he really does.

That, as many of you know, can wear a Mom out. So I try to help his Mom by taking a turn or two holding and playing with him.

This elicits very contradictory feelings in me. Sometimes, it makes me very, very wistful and sad. Sometimes it causes a profound longing. But sometimes, it makes me enormously grateful that phase of my life is over. Sometimes it makes me very, very glad that my children can dress, bathe, and feed themselves.

Tonight, poor baby H was very, very tired. But again, like both of my boys, he's not one to miss anything. So he fought the fatigue with everything he had. During the game, his Mom asked me to hold him while she went to move the car closer to the field.

I rocked and swayed and marvelled at how the knack really never leaves a body once it has danced that mother dance. He sang to himself in a way that was so familiar...Diminutive One used to sing himself to sleep that way. I ached down deep inside when I realized I would not have remembered that sweet, insignificant little thing if not for baby H. And I ached to know that I would forget it again.

After a while, his head began to dip and bob, and then finally, lay heavy and warm upon my shoulder. His body went limp in that boneless way only babies can manage.

He slept.

When the slow and steady rythym of his breathing assured me that he was deeply asleep, I eased into my chair and sat with him in my lap, enjoying the feel of his body slumped plumply against mine.

His mother reappeared and asked if I wanted her to take him.

"No...not just yet." I said. "Relaxe and enjoy your freedom while it lasts!" I joked.

And so we sat, the two of us, in the fading light of a summer day, with fireflies flitting about, and the smell of honeysuckle and freshly raked dirt and teenaged boys wafting through the air. I plucked a ladybug from his sweaty head and patted his back when the cheers of onlookers caused him to stir.

I felt a sense of peace. I felt a sense of loss.


And I had to admit...Goddamnit...I miss this.

Remember...Mum's the word.

ADDENDUM: Just so you know, the irony has not escaped me. I know I was just bitching and whining about the children that I do have, and now I'm longing for more. But babies are so sweeeeeet. I never resented my babies, no matter how many times they woke in the night, or how many times they pulled every single book off the book shelf or how many times they rubbed peas in their hair. It's what they're supposed to do. It's their way of discovering the world and their place in it.

A 10 year old who deliberately flouts household rules is not discovering anything other than just how crazy he can make his mother. A 13 year old who leaves a trail of debris behind him just because he can is not trying to find his place in the world, he's just being a pain in the ass.


  • At 12:32 AM, Blogger Crazed Nitwit said…

    Oh how I know that feeling. I adored being pregnant(after first 16 weeks) and having infants, toddlers, preschoolers. I felt needed and important and life giving. You have my empathy. I'm now 46 and there will be no more babies for me for other reasons than my age, tho that is enough. I don't feel needed very much anymore, my issue to solve. Just know there are many who know that secret longing.

    aka JaniceNW

  • At 2:15 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Oh, me too. Me too. I miss it so much that when I see babies in stores it's all I can do to restrain myself from grabbing them up out of their carseats. They're so CUTE. And they smell so good.

    It sucks to be post menopausal.

  • At 5:07 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    I'm pregnant with my first and so hope i feel the way you write and your readers comment when the baby is here
    Cant wait :0)
    Pol x

  • At 5:53 AM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Sigh---I know, I know. My sister has a little girl who just turned 1. At her first birthday party, she wasn't feeling well, so I held her in my arms while she fell to sleep. I then sat in a rocking chair and went back-and-forth with her nuzzled under my chin. There is something so delicious about a sleeping baby.

    That said, I'm done. My body can't do it again, and with my husband neutered, neither can his. I'll instead be the aunt who never says no to the chance to hold her niece.

  • At 7:21 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    Babies are in my past, and sometimes that makes me inexplicably sad.

  • At 7:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My third son, Julian, is my "ooops".

    After Nicholas, my second, I ached and yearned for another, but alas my husband was done. Or so he night of carelessness and I was pregnant...I should do speeches in high schools!!

    Anyway, he has fulfilled me and completed me. I no longer ache for another. He is 13.5 months old now and when I hold my friend's 2 month old, for once in my life, I am glad to give her back to her mummy....I never thought I'd ever feel that way about a baby, but I can now say that I am DONE.

  • At 8:43 AM, Blogger Sherry said…

    I too definitely have the been there, done that. I love that I can hold and admire babies and yet, not get 'that feeling'. I am content and hope I always remember the little details.

  • At 9:13 AM, Blogger Sensitiva McFeelingsly said…

    Your writing in this post makes me want a baby BAD! All of my husband's friends are having babies (their first or second) right now, and that alone has made us both think seriously about trying. But it's too soon. And that sucks.

    I can't wait to truly understand the intense, complex feelings you are so wonderfully describing here. Giving birth may be a horrific pain for a woman, but motherhood is a blessing.

  • At 9:37 AM, Blogger Notes and letters to myself.... said…

    My youngest is seven, and oh how my womb aches *sometimes*. I was 38 when he was born, and now am 45 and so tired!:)

    Thanks for a lovely lovely post.

  • At 9:41 AM, Blogger said…

    Shit. My husband has been begging to get a motorcycle. I am petrified of them. Enough said.

    2 days ago, he was still playfully needling me about wanting one, and I replied that I would NEVER force him to agree to something that he was adamantly against even though I desperately wanted it. He was confused... WHAT did I want? Didn't I have everything? Wasn't I content? What was causing my heart to ache in longing for?

    A fourth child.

    He has stopped asking for a motorcycle.

  • At 10:22 AM, Blogger Shelley said…

    I also have a third "oops" baby that is now five. Her sisters are 16 and 13 years old. I love my baby dearly, but I can't say it's been easy. You mentioned two older siblings with hectic schedules. I remember dragging a newborn around to softball practices and games and dance classes, drop off and pick up from school, and various other activities. I never could get her on a schedule, because every time she'd fall asleep, it was time to go get someone or take someone somewhere.

    The first six months were very, very hard. And having a toddler/preschooler at the ballpark is ... well, I'm just going to say it. It sucks. You can't watch your two older kids play, because you have to keep a constant eye on the little one. You want to watch the game, they want to run around/go to the snack bar/go to the playground/wander off/drive you insane.

    But, I digress. I love my little girl. But she's growing up in a completely different household (teen-centric) than my other two did. I hope she doesn't grow up to be too much of a monster.

    There, did I supress your baby cravings? :)

  • At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm now getting ready to str-r-r-etch that umbilical cord to its breaking point, as the oldest is getting ready to leave home for out-of-town university.

    I think I'll apply at the hospital as a baby rocker. That might help.

    It's that baby smell - it's Momma Crack, I tellz ya.

  • At 10:24 AM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    Your secret is safe with me.

    I enjoyed every stage of my two but never wanted more. I was done at, "It's a Girl" 23 years ago October.

  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm in the stage with my kids that you're missing now, and when you write about this, it makes me stop for a second and cherish. So what that Anna's still learning how to eat from a spoon and spit her pure�d squash in my face last night. So what that she pulls my hair and it's always the short curly ones just at the back of my neck, the ones that hurt the most. Cherish it. Because she's my last.

    I also realize that it's been several days since I've wiped the oldest's butt for him. The freedom of that makes me a little giddy too, looking to the future of butt-wiping freedom.

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    Sounds to me like you're a great mom. Once you know how to do all the things for kids that they need and you're good at it, it's fun. If you want another child then have one. The longing feelings won't just go away. I knew I was done after #4 when I'd hear that someone was pregnant and I wasn't jealous. I enjoy little ones so much but I'm holding out for grandkids at this point. You are still young enough. I hope you do have another child if it's what's right for you. I think it is! Hugs!

  • At 11:11 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    oooof. I know.

  • At 11:20 AM, Blogger sltbee69 said…

    I know the feeling. That's why I still haven't given up. I keep thinking that maybe by some act of God, I'll get another chance before I turn 40. By that time, I'll have a built-in mother's helper and a very proud older sibling to help.

  • At 2:42 PM, Blogger Terri said…

    Oh, I so hear you. I do the same thing, vacillate between being glad my children are more independent and wishing for a baby again. I don't feel done yet either, but our youngest is six and a half and we haven't used birth control since she was born. Most likely we are not going to have any more kids, but part of me holds out hope. Now that I'm two years away from being 40, I'm more resigned to being done.

  • At 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I appreciate the same kind of ambivalence. And I share the same secret too. I also like to sleep, you go on ahead without me ; )

  • At 5:51 PM, Blogger Forever In Blue Jeans said…

    God, there is nothing like the feeling of holding a sleeping baby; the smell of baby powder and the sound of that deep breathing in your ear. I'm not a mom, but I've played one a time or two and believe me, you don't have to have already been a mom to miss those times. (shhh... don't tell my fiance)

  • At 5:59 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Won't tell a soul, promise.

    I haven't voiced them at all, but I've had some similar feelings this time around... carrying these babies that don't belong to me. Holding other newborns now that my baby is 5 and looking at pictures from when they were young and so sweet. Sometimes, for a moment or even an afternoon, I fantasize about going back. Quitting my job, staying home with a baby.

    It's good that there are two growing in me because that would be too much for me to handle, so sending them home in 4.5 months with their rightful parents shouldn't be too difficult. But I suspect it won't be too easy either.

    And you are totally right about the difference between 13 year old messes and 13 month old messes. :)

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger Woman in a Window said…

    hunh, why do I always want to start my comments with a sound? Cause that's how I react to what you write. This reaction is deep down and shared. Shh. The secret's ours...I know my husband wouldn't understand.

  • At 6:41 PM, Blogger PinksandBluesGirls said…

    Oh... my sister in law was just saying this the other night when she was holding my 14 month old. I totally can understand where you are coming from... and I love your honesty.
    - AUdrey

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Awww, now I want one too! j/k, I can honestly say that I feel like our family's complete.
    How's about I send K your way for a week this summer? Then you'll know for sure!?

  • At 9:23 PM, Blogger Tonya said…

    I'm with you on the sweetness of baby and then what happens? Sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong but then again I've taught them so many times I'm tired of repeating myself :)

  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I have always thought there should be some program whereby we could bank one day of our children's infancy each month and then cash back in on it when we needed a fix.

  • At 12:54 AM, Blogger said…

    Our third baby - our surprise - was born the month before my 40th birthday. I will admit: I did have a bit of an existential crisis when I found out I was pregnant. But then...

    My older children have made life with this little one so much easier, even with all the running around I do with them. This little guy was born into a family that feels practiced and running in its grooves. It's a sort of security and ease both in myself as a parent and in the daily processes that I couldn't offer my daughters. I can really allow the processes to run, and steep myself in the moments with him.

    Still they go so quickly.

    Having a baby is always a big change and I do understand that the wishful, nostalgic and somewhat romanticized thinking when you happen to be snuggling with a chubby bubby is much different than the realities, but...shhhhhhhhhhh...if you decide to "go there" for real, I'll tell you only the good things.

  • At 7:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    All our kids are so young i have not had the chance to miss babyhood yet. The missing of it feels like a privilege. I hope I enjoy it when it comes.

  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger Patois42 said…

    I avoid holding babies at all costs, because just imagining them cuddled in my arms feels me with such desire. I imagine it'll only get worse for me as my kids keep hitting double digits. (My second does so in less than two months.)

  • At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My youngest is two and I'm already having little pangs of panick.. I DON'T want this to be the last one!!!

  • At 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I LOVE what you said here, BA. I read it when you posted it, but it has stayed with me.

    "I never resented my babies, no matter how many times they woke in the night, or how many times they pulled every single book off the book shelf or how many times they rubbed peas in their hair. It's what they're supposed to do. It's their way of discovering the world and their place in it."

    This is sooo true. It gets harder when my three YO deliberately does things I tell her NOT to do, over and over again!

    Nice post, very well said.

  • At 4:16 AM, Blogger JChevais said…

    I so understand. Am there too. Sigh.

  • At 11:10 AM, Blogger Ms. Smoochy said…

    Wow. I can't tell you how much I've missed reading your blog.

    I haven't been reading any blogs lately, and last night my husband said to me, "Did you know B.A. might be pregnant." I was instantly so excited for you; I squealed out loud despite my own sleeping babe at the breast...

    So, I'm waiting on pins and needles with you, too.

    This is so fun!

    Either way, I need to come back and read here more. I didn't realize it but, I really have missed being here in your cyber space.


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