Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Emotional Rollercoaster Anyone?

Teenagers are a pain in the ass.

It's a law of nature. Teenagers are universally required and biologicially compelled to provide their parents with a degree of aggravation that is in direct proportion to that which the parents themselves caused their parents before them.

This law is written in stone. It will be in effect for the rest of time immemorial. Forever, and ever, until the four horsemen of the apocalypse ride, the heavens and earth collide and life as we know it ceasts to exist.

Five Hundred years ago teenagers were giving their parents all kinds of hell; taking the chariot for a joy ride...forgetting to feed the prisoners...taking the Emperor's name in vain...and 500 years from now, teenagers will still be giving their parents all kinds of futuristic hell; borrowing the hovercraft and bringing it back with negative ions, forgetting to taking out the garbage capsule, not logging onto school on time...

And if you think that because your child is sweet and complacent and good natured you might be spared some of the teenaged surliness, contempt and general asshattery....think again.

So. I'm finding my teenaged son quite a challenge these days. He's a good kid, all things considered, but the attitude, my GOD the attitude. The mouth. And of course, the world revolves around Pubescent One.

I know, complete and total self-absorption is the hallmark of adolescence. But knowing that, doesn't make me not want to slap him upside his fat head.

But sometimes...sometimes I get little glimpse of that sweet little boy that I used to know. Sometimes I am privileged to get a preview of the man he will one day be.

This afternoon I took him shopping for school clothing. Because he was off his meds for three months, (his meds inhibit growth) he grew more than he did in the entire previous school year. His shoulders are busting out of his shirt sleeves and all his "shorts" give new meaning to word. His ridiculously long thighs are exposed to a degree that is neither cool nor attractive.

We went to a popular name brand store. I warned him that our budget was tight and I could only buy a few things if he insisted on having this particular brand. He said he understood.

But that didn't keep him from piling my arms high, exclaiming over a funky design, an eye catching color, or an item of superlative coolness. Pretty soon I had a massive armload of clothing, three quarters of which would have to be put back.

He pouted. He whined. He started with the.."But it only costs...." And I lost patience with him. I reminded him that I had clearly explained to him that we had a finite budget and thus, a limit to the number of items we could buy in this store.

I reminded him that I still had to buy his brother some clothing to which he replied with a snort, "Well he can just have my old stuff."

I told him we would leave with nothing if he was going to continue badger me. He pouted some more, but, seeing that I was not going to budge, he pared his pile down to the pre-specified dollar amount.

Seeing that his pile contained a polo shirt for $35, I told him that in my opinion, it was too much, and he could get two of the sale t-shirts for that price, or two of the sale polos for only a few dollars more. He balked at that, and I let him make the decision, knowing full well he would be sorry later when he realized that Diminutive One had gotten fully twice what he had because I had chosen well.

Anyway, I was nearly at my wit's end with him by the time we finished checking out. I was feeling disgruntled and grumpy.

On the way out, a cute women's top caught my eye, and curious, I stopped to see if they had my size. They rarely do. I wear the largest size available in "regular" stores. And, with everything being so tightly fitted these days, I doubt it would have fit regardless.

A predatory sales associate swooped down to ask if she could help me find my size.

"No thanks. I don't think you carry big fat lady."

She laughed nervously and backed away.

Pubescent One, hearing this, admonished me.

"Mom, why do you put yourself down like that?"

I was a little taken aback. It really seems as if everything I say to him goes in one ear and out the other. Plus, he has ADD, so a lot of stuff he hears, he doesn't necessarily process. He has to kind of filter everything and only retain the important stuff, or he goes into input overload. For that reason, he often seems oblivious, even when he really isn't.

"Ummm, I don't know. I was just being flip, I guess."

"You shouldn't do that. Maybe you're not super skinny but you always look cool."

COOL? I look...COOL? My thirteen year old son thinks I look....COOL? That's better than skinny, in the world of thirteen year old boys, thankyouvermuch.

"I do?"

"Yeah. Like, you don't go out with your hair all messy or your boobs hanging out. And you always have on nice clothes and make-up and stuff. I'm not embarassed to be with you. Usually."

"Is this about that shirt? Cause I'm still not buying it."

"No Mom! I mean it. You're...(blush) know...pretty. Prettier than a lot of my friends' Moms."

And here I had been seriously considering renouncing my ownership of him.

Teenagers. They sure keep you on your toes. Good thing my butt looks perky that way.


  • At 8:40 AM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Oh that's so sweet!!!

    I s'pose the snarky comments from them make it worth the sweet ones?

  • At 10:51 AM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    That's so cool.

  • At 11:38 AM, Blogger Karen Bodkin said…

    "Like, you don't go out with your hair all messy or your boobs hanging out."

    Such qualities...rofl! How cute is that?

  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    That. Is. AWESOME.

  • At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I love your blog. Pgoodness turned me onto it, and I am finding myself engrossed in it. I teach sixth grade, so I spend so much of my time with kids your son's age. Even though they are at such an awkward age, they are capable of the occasional compliment. Enjoy the moment. :)

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Sarahviz said…

    I love hearing the tales of your boys. It's like a glimpse into my future.

    And do you think I'm being unrealistic when I tell Eldest, "Don't ever get too big to hold your mother's hand, okay?"

  • At 1:13 PM, Blogger Cathy Burke said…

    True, just when you want to kill them they turn on you...with kindness! Your boy sounds better than your average teen. Obviously you are doing something right!

  • At 4:07 PM, Blogger Gross|Photo said…

    100 bucks says he's no worse then you were at the same age. We have 3 daughters who are the cause of most of out gray hairs. Girls can be as bad as/worse then boys.

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    awww.... it's moments like that that make it all worth it!!

  • At 7:40 PM, Blogger KT said…

    Oh. Wow. That was just so sweet of him. He meant it, you could tell.

  • At 9:21 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    I woulda hugged him then and there and embarrassed him all to hell.

  • At 6:55 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    But are you pregnant??
    I'm dying to know!
    Pol x

  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger said…

    Ahhh... Smart kid. :) He had me scared in the beginning and smiling at the end.

  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Good thing he didn't say that before shopping or his brother just may be wearing the hand-me-downs afterall! LOL

  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger Shelley said…

    As soon as I read your line, "The attitude, my God, the attitude, and the mouth!", I thought to myself, "He must be 13."

    In my opinion, 13 is the worst. Age. Ever. And you know that glimpse you get every once in a while of that sweet little kid they used to be? That makes me cry. I miss that little girl so much.

    Thankfully, it does get better. 15-16? Is way better. At least at my house. I just keep telling myself that eventually she's going to morph back into a normal human being, the way her sister did.

    That was sweet, what he said to you. It's nice that they're not total assholes all the time, isn't it? Hang on to those moments.

  • At 12:08 PM, Blogger Major Bedhead said…

    And again with the watery, crinkly eyes.

    This is why we don't eat our young - for the fleeting moments like that one.

  • At 6:33 AM, Blogger Woman in a Window said…

    Is anybody else crying? Seriously? I'm crying. Too fricken beautiful.


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