Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.

THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)

Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?

Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.

Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.

Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?

Baby #1: I'm sorry Dude, I'm a little irritable.

Baby #2: You don't say.

Baby #1: It's just that my binky is permanently embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.

Baby #2: I hear ya. This gay outfit is making me a little cranky myself.

Baby #1: It's not that bad.

Baby #2: You're just saying that.

Baby #1: That's what friends are for.

Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.

Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.

Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin.

Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.

Baby #2: Yeah. And it doesn't taste like ass.

Baby #1: Watch it.

Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.

Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.

Baby #2: Oh yeah. That's why you put your toes in your mouth.

Baby #1: They satisfy my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.

Baby #2: Not my issue, man.

Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?

Baby #2: No.

Baby #1: But your face is riiiiiii-

Baby #2: I said no, Dude. No? means no.

Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.

Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a rubber nipple attached to a bottle with rainbows and teddy b...oh, um, yeah. Sorry.

Baby #1: Ouch.

Baby #2: Anyway...you do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.

Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....



Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.



Baby #1: Eh, well, I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.

Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. I think I pissed myself. For real, I mean.

Baby #1: Well you're in good company then. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.

Baby #2: No doubt. What's in these things anyway?

Baby #2: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical crap. We'll probably be sterile someday.

Baby #1: Dude, do not even joke about that.

Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.

Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.

Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)

END SCENE

(Repost, because I am stuck in home improvement hell. God help us.)

10 Comments:

  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Just as amusing.

    Hope you're outta hell soon.

     
  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    this post cracks me up

     
  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Baroness von Bloggenschtern said…

    Just like switching from left to right, the second is just as sweet.

    Maybe you could approach Ben 'N Jerry's about some copy writing??

     
  • At 10:35 PM, Blogger jen said…

    at least your hell is freaking funny.

     
  • At 9:10 PM, Blogger Christine said…

    BRILLIANT!

     
  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger Mike said…

    The scarry part is I could so see a couple of guys at my office having this same conversation...

     
  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger Laski Gal said…

    Did you write this??? More people should read this . . . and comment on the total hilariousness of it all . . .

     
  • At 4:18 PM, Blogger Andrea said…

    OMG how funny! This is the first time I've been to your blog and I loved that post. I'm crackin up here at work, laffing at my computer like a nut job!

    Thanks for the giggles...

     
  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger Toni said…

    Peeking in from Chicky Chicky Baby and this post almost made me pee my pants. For real, I mean.

     
  • At 10:52 AM, Blogger Rusti said…

    had to cover my mouth to keep from alerting the boss that I'm not "working" by the giggles coming out of my mouth! that.was.hilarious. LOL - I can't wait until January when my lil Copper is born... thanks for the laughs!

     

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