Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Humbug

I don't like Halloween. There. I said it.

The truth is, I don't like most holidays. They are overhyped, overblown, expensive, inconvenient, and irritating.

Frankly, I think most of them are perfectly meaningless. Any meaning they once had has been lost as time has obliterated their origins and a frenzy of commercial hedonism has obscured their intent.

Now, they are just an excuse for retailers to dupe us into buying as much of their cheap garish crap as we can fit into our gas guzzling behemoths and drape all over our faux stuccoed McMansions.

Even the most sanctified of all holidays does not escape my scorn. Get ready for this...I don't even really like Christmas all that much.

But anyway...

I know some people love Halloween with all their black and orange striped heart and soul. And that's fine. But it's not a sentiment I share. I never have. I'm not sure I even liked it all that much when I was a kid. I mean, I grew up in Wisconsin for pity's sake. By October 31st it was COLD. And of course, I was made to wear a winter coat over my costume.

What's the point, I ask you?

I know, candy, and loads of it. But I'm not really a big candy eater (my husband is snickering, but honestly, unless I'm hormonally influenced, I can take or leave chocolate)).

As an adult, I find it stressful and irritating. The costumes for one. Oh, the pressure!! The running around! The competimommies who make cute and innovative and origianl costumes from scratch! Gag. My kids are bigger now, and quite frankly, I am ridiculously happy that they are content with a hockey mask and some fake blood.

And the candy. Dear God...how does one buy the right amount of candy?? In fourteen years of parenting, I have never managed to find Halloween candy zen. I am terrified of getting too little, because we've all heard the stories right? Cars keyed, homes egged, trees toilet papered by disgruntled trick or treaters.

Down with trick or treat tyranny!!

As insurance against such, I invariably overbuy. And then I am stuck with that shit for months.

I've tried pawning it off on husband's co-workers, but many of then have kids and are just as deserate as I am to get rid of it. Even the teachers don't want it. I know, because every year I try to unload the unwanted mega bag filler on them. They're not fooled by my opportunistic generosity.

And the trick or treating?

Hate it.

I hate being held captive in my home. I hate having to pop up every three seconds like some kind of deranged jack rabbit. One cannot read, or watch television, or clean, or do anything, really because one is at the mercy of the doorbell.

It IRRITATES me.

Now, the little ones are cute. I like seeing the pint sized princesses and the diminutive Darth Vaders. The puppy dogs and firemen and train conductors. The ballerinas and butterflies and ladybugs. They're adorable and sweet and innocent and most of are not at all enthused about going door to door asking scary people for candy. In fact, some of them dislike it intensely. And yet their parents parade them around the neighborhood with maniacal determination in the guise of paternal altruism.

I find it very weird.

My son's first Halloween we went to four houses before he melted down and you know what we did then?

WE WENT THE FUCK HOME.

One of the gals with whom I am friendly and who has boys roughly the same ages as mine called me yesterday to let me know that they were all going to a local church for pre-trick or treating festivities. The kids get hot dogs and chips and can cavort in costume in a non-pagan environment.

Can you hear my eyes rolling??

Then they will be trick or treating at no less than three local neighborhoods. This is AFTER they have gorged themselves on orange sprayed cupcakes and juice boxes at school.

ENOUGH ALREADY.

As I said, my boys are older now. They still enjoy trick or treating, but I no longer feel the intense pressure to make it as picture perfect as I once did. They want to use an old pillowcase to put their candy in. They want to wear costumes that look like they just threw them together from whatever was lying around the house. Because, you know, they're just way too cool to put any real thought into a costume. Dudes, when you are 13, that's just lame.

Diminutive One still derives a certain amount of excitement from Halloween, and I will do my best to indulge that. But secretly, I'm happy that his big brother's influence tempers his enthusiasm a little.

That makes me feel kind of bad, really. But it is what it is. When it comes to holidays, I will never be Martha Stuart.

I guess I'll have to find a way to make up for that. Add that to the list. SIGH.

10 Comments:

  • At 8:52 AM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    You are not alone.

    My son and I talked about it last night, it's Friday and he (like the 20 something he is) wants to go out, listen to music and dance..but, "ma, it's Halloween, people will be so stupid!"

    And it's not the kids, but the adults that will drive me batty today. I just know it.

     
  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    As for knowing how much to buy....I always over buy the mini bags of chips and the extras go into my son's lunch box for the next month or two. I don't buy candy.

    Also, once he has about half a bag or so - he runs home to Dad and gets a new bag. Dad will sort the candy he has got so far, keeping the chips, chocolate bars and a few gum - but the rest gets put int he bowl and shelled out to other kids.

    My son has a treat bowl that he is allowed a pc or two out of each day. He STILL has candy from last halloween, birthday parties and Easter.

     
  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger Mac and Cheese said…

    I actually mind Halloween less than the other "holidays". It doesn't require that I get together with the inlaws for a stressful meal.

    ...and I love the candy. Send me yours!

     
  • At 12:36 PM, Anonymous OmegaMom said…

    I love Halloween. I think it's grand fun, and I even like the teens who come by and look all jaded and "Yo. Whatever." (Though I wish they'd all wear costumes!)

    Alas, we are in a neighborhood where we don't have ANY trick-or-treaters--or at least we didn't last year. Bummer!

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger Veronica Wald said…

    "I don't even really like Christmas all that much." HAHA, me neither. How UN-PC it is to admit! But like some of your other commentators, Halloween is less obnoxious, as long as I don't have to do it. :-)

     
  • At 11:19 AM, Blogger Hairline Fracture said…

    Oh, I agree with you. I'm pretty much a Scrooge on all holidays especially since they have become so commercialized. I like Christmas but other than our tree and my kids' presents, my mom does everything else. ;-)

    BTW, thanks for setting me straight on the pixie stick poisoning. I "published a retraction" on today's post!

     
  • At 6:18 PM, Blogger Tracey said…

    Nothing saying you have to like holidays. If the commercialism of them gets you distressed, then de-commercialize your holidays.

    We love all holidays but I don't stress if I don't have great costumes or gifts or a perfectly decorated house. I do, however, want to have simple traditions that my kids can pull up from their memories of childhood. Holidays provide an opportunity for days that are filled with anticipation which makes them easier to remember as an adult.

     
  • At 8:51 AM, Blogger womaninawindow said…

    WTF? Say it ain't so. I heard about people like you but I thought it was an Urban Legend...holy crap! It's real?

    My veins are currently converting from their black and orange to their red, white and green Christmas selves. The consumerism I could do without, but the tradition of it all, the looking-forward to, and the excuse to eat? Come on!

     
  • At 1:37 PM, Blogger Shelley said…

    I hate having all the leftover candy too. I had a unique solution this year though. Since it was Friday night, I took all leftovers to the high school football game us, and threw it to people in the stands! It was fun, and there is no more candy in my house.

     
  • At 8:46 PM, Anonymous courtney said…

    I'm not crazy about Halloween, but I do love seeing the costumes parade by. Not that I see any since I live in a secured apartment complex.

     

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