Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Unlove and Real Moms

Today, I sat in the friendly autumn sunshine watching baseball with the welcome weight of a toddler in my lap.

It's been a long time. And it felt just as good as I remember.

This baby...God she is sweet.

She has wispy blonde hair and enormous brown eyes and a smile that could light up the heavens.

She played pat-a-cake, she pointed to her eyes and nose, she clapped and she went HOO-HOO-HOO (We are the Muckdogs) when we scored a run. Sometimes, confusing baseball with football, she would lift both of her slender/chubby arms straight up in the air.

When she spied the choker I was wearing, she puckered up her little lips and said, "OOOOOOOH". I took it off and put it around her almost neck, which caused her to squeal with delight. She patted it reverently as it nestled against her round little belly. And then she took it off and watched as it reflected beams of sunlight into her own eyes, giggling and blinking as it dazzled her.

Beauty and innocence and goodness personified, sitting in my lap, playing with sunbeams. Jesus. Is there anything more perfect in this world than that?

But the sweetness of her was and is marred by a horrible knowledge.

Before she came to be with the two wonderful women who are now her parents....somebody didn't love her.

Somebody didn't read her stories or tuck her in. Somebody didn't hug her and didn't play this little piggie and didn't push her in the swing until she was dizzy with delight. Somebody didn't blow raspberries on her belly, or get her nose.

Somebody didn't feed her. Somebody didn't take her to the doctor when she was sick. Somebody didn't kiss her boo-boos. Somebody didn't chase the monsters away.

I don't understand it.

I don't understand being given such a gift, and then neglecting to nurture and love it.

I've tried. I really have.

Maybe her mother was a single parent who was overwhelmed by trying to care for three children. Maybe she was afraid and worried and depressed. Maybe she didn't know how to take care of them. Maybe she had nobody to show her what it is to love. Maybe she was never loved herself.

But that just doesn't work, and I find myself consumed with anger at a nameless faceless devil woman.

As I looked at the baby in my lap, and her brother in the field swallowed up by his uniform; belt cinched tight, hat pulled down at just the right angle, and her sister twirling around in a pink ballerina skirt and mickey mouse sun glasses....

All I can think is...HOW DARE SHE. Mother of God, how dare she.

It's impotent, this rage bubbling up inside me. I can do nothing. I can't punish her and I can't make sure she has no more babies to unlove.

All I can do is be thankful that someone figured out these children needed help, and then got it for them. All I can do is be thankful that they are being loved now. In spades.

I know I've written about them before, but the more I get to know them, the more I realize what truly amazing people they are.

Thank you D and B.

Thank you for for all the peanut butter sandwiches you will cut the crusts off of. Thank you for all the stories you will read. The tickling and the worrying you will do. The pictures you will take and the happy tears you will shed. Thank you for the laughing and the loving.

Thank you for being, in every way possible, their Moms.

Addendum: In response to a couple of comments I received: Yes, there is more to the situation than I have shared here, or am at liberty to share here. Let's suffice it to say that a competent judge will not terminate parental rights for no reason. But the judge overseeing this case saw fit to remove three children, of varying ages, from their living situation and make sure they could never go back.

Am I judging their mother? Yes, I am. And I don't feel proud of that. But it's beyond me right now. And that's why I write about these things; to work through them, to make sense of things that make no sense. And maybe, now that I've gotten it out there, I can let it go. Thanks for the comments. They are insightful and sensitive and kind, as always. And they do help.

15 Comments:

  • At 6:30 PM, Anonymous courtney said…

    She sounds like an amazingly beautiful little girl and her moms sound even better. Great post.

     
  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger All Things BD said…

    Wonderful post and tribute to those amazing moms and their babies.

     
  • At 7:16 PM, Anonymous gurukarm said…

    Do you happen to follow Her Bad Mother (http://badladies.blogspot.com)? If so, you might have seen this particular post and the series it was part of (http://badladies.blogspot.com/2008/08/beaner.html).

    Not AT ALL to defend the situation those sweet children you write about were pulled from; perhaps you know a lot more about it than you've actually shared here, but, the mother who responded to HBM's posts shows a somewhat different perspective.

    It's great though that the family you know has the chance to grow together as a family. Go them! :-)

     
  • At 7:56 PM, Blogger PunditMom said…

    As a mother by adoption, I am thankful for the child who is mine. I can't condemn any biological parents. Every situation is different and there are bad situations children should not be in. But it's hard for me to judge situations people find themselves in.

     
  • At 8:54 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    YaY to the gift!

     
  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger Boliath said…

    My nephew is adopted, he was in an orphanage until he was 2 and came to my family damaged and delayed, the signs of fetal alcohol syndrome are marked. In the almost 2 years he has been with my brother and his wife, he has emerged, he has conquered, he has made and still makes me weep to the depths of my soul. I sometimes rage at his biological mother, how could she have done that? What amount of suffering has this sweet child experienced when nobody picked him up and cooed and gurgled at him, when nobody spoke back to him, nurtured him, loved him, it breaks my heart. But I wasn't her I don't know her story, I know she did the right thing by him, even though he spent a miserable couple of years he is now loved beyond belief and I thank her for that one act of clarity, for giving him to us to love and be loved, for making my brother a Dad and his wife a Mum. I wish I could take them all home with me and love them as they need to be loved, I can't think of the children left behind, the 5, 6, 7 year olds who have lived their entire lives in an orphanage and who will be turfed out at 18 damaged and enraged, it's too much to think about. These 2 children are lucky, very lucky to have found their forever family, it's the unlucky ones who are still there waiting.

     
  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger Boliath said…

    Sorry that should read "...these 3 children..."

     
  • At 11:43 PM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    I don't understand it. Children are a gift, and to be that little and be so un-loved and unwanted? That KILLS me. She is a lucky girl, all three of them are.

    I try not to judge, but when it comes to abuse, physical or emotional, or neglect, I'm afraid there are no good excuses. None.

     
  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    I'm so glad that these children have such wonderful parents.

     
  • At 11:42 AM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    We cannot always help how we feel, how and why we judge. We just do, we are human.

    It sounds lovely, to have a little one finding wonder in sunbeams on your lap. sigh. That would be nice today.

     
  • At 11:55 AM, Blogger Jozet at Halushki said…

    I know that you are a more complex person than just this one side, this reaction.

    The reaction is a truth, and you are brave for writing it.

    But I also know you to be a woman of great compassion and understanding. Sometimes we need to compartmentalize our emotions and let the exist and feel them fully so that they can go their merry way.

     
  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Your post is very honest and real, exactly what I expect to read from you. And, to all those who don't believe that two parents of the same gender can make the 'right' kind of parents: suck it.

     
  • At 7:44 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    What's more inspiring to me is that D & B not only took the baby in, they took the older children. So often, the older children are left to languish until they " age out" of the system. So many are only interested in the cute babies and toddlers. They are very brave women.

     
  • At 4:21 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    My baby is now 15 months and I also have trouble understanding a situation where a baby is neglected. Babies should be adored. I'm so happy that the baby found parents to care for her as parents should.

     
  • At 9:40 PM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    People will never stop shocking me.

    Seriously.

     

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