Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

YAY ME

In 2005, I lost 60 lbs.

When I was heavy, I sort of felt like I was walking around in somebody else's body, and looking at somebody else's face in the mirror. I felt tired and weak and...schlumpy. I know that's not a word, but it fits so I'm going with it.

I lost the weight not by dieting, but with consistent exercise. I know, we all hate the "e" word. Believe me, I hate it as much as the next person. But I knew I wasn't going to be successful through dieting. I just don't have the patience for counting and pointing and....depriving.

I've never really been good at self denial. Why I'm not a 400 pound chain smoking alchoholic crack addict prostitute living in a house with 18 cats stacked to the ceiling with boxes from Home Shopping Network is anybody's guess.

So I made a few small changes. I made a point to eat breakfast, cut out soda, replaced good fats with bad fats and practiced portion control.

And I exercised. The funny thing about exercise is that at first, you hate it. I mean really hate it. I used to spend the entire time I was working out, wishing I didn't have to work out.

But I stuck with it, because I was tired of back fat and bat wings.

And along the way, I began to feel strong. That is a GOOD feeling. It kept me going for almost a year. I was, if not exactly svelte, toned and non-jiggly. I had some muscle definition and I had endurance and I was ROCKIN' some blue jeans for the first time in years.

I felt attractive and healthy.

And then I quit working out.

What an idiot. After all that work, I quit because I was satisfied with how I looked and felt. The logical thing would have been to create a maintenance program and make it a part of my life. But no. Not me. I just quit altogether.

Stupid.

I did that twice. Lost it, regained it, lost it, regained it. How ridiculous.

So here I am fat again.

I'm not like, morbidly obese, as you can see from my picture. But sometimes I have to undo the button on my pants when I sit down, my butt fat moves independantly of my body when I walk too vigorously and when I wave or clap, the momentum of my arm flab sometimes knocks me off balance.

All that is bad, but you know what's really bothering me? My erm ...oh hell, let's just dispense with the euphemisms, my pubic mound is drooping from the weight and pressure of the belly flab directly above it. Gross.

I just turned 39. I've made my peace with my age for the most part, but I think 40 is going to be tough...IF, I'm not feeling good about my physical state. I have 11 months to whip my ass back into shape.

I'm not deluding myself. I'm fairly short (5' 3.5") and short waisted as well. I had a baby that weighed almost 10 lbs at birth. My abdomen has been severely traumatized and no amount of crunches are going to give me a six pack. Nothing can take away the stretch marks. And Pilates can't shrink bone mass, which means these hips? Are here to stay.

But I want to feel good again. I want to feel like I can conquer the world. And I want to feel attractive.

A couple summers ago, we went crabbing on our vacation. The barrier island we were taken to was uninhabited, so the only restroom was on the boat. The boat was banked directly on the beach, accessible by a gangplank, which was out, but not fully extended. See Exhibit A.

Exhibit A


(If you look closely, you can see the gangplank off the bow of the boat)


I approached the boat, and the guide hastened over to finish lowering the gangplank for me, expecting that I would not be able to step up that high. But before he could get there, I mounted the gangplank easily without using my hands. I simply stepped, and let my muscles do the rest. And they did, easily. I turned to tell him thanks anyway, and was gratified to see that he was impressed.

This fit, young, twenty something guy was impressed. With me. My strength. My fitness.

Goddamn but that felt good.

I want to feel that again.

So I've started excercising again. I know to start slowly and build up my endurance. I've been frustrated, because I'm essentially starting all over again. I used to walk 5 miles easily and do 45 minutes of Pilates without breaking a sweat. And I didn't wake up aching in every joint and muscle.

I used to be strong. And now I'm not.

But I'm motivated and I'm sticking with it.

Yesterday? I walked 5 miles.

The place that I walk is awesome. It's a nicely paved trail in a beautiful park. But it's not an easy walk. In fact, it's pretty challenging. There are plenty of slopes and hills to work you really hard. I had to stop after 3 miles because my right foot was completely numb. So I sat for five minutes, let the feeling come back, and did the other two.

(I've found out that walking in running shoes is bad. It puts too much pressure on the forefoot, which is causing the numbness. Essentially, it's like walking uphill. Walking and running shoes are made differently to account for the difference in stride. So, I need to get some walking shoes.)

I couldn't believe how pleased I was with myself. I was so invigorated. Exhilirated. And proud. Damn proud.

My body is beginning to remember. My body is responding to my efforts.

I can't wait to be strong again.

And I can't wait to impress some other fit young twenty something.

I'm tired of not being looked at like a woman. I want to see admiration in the eyes of a man when he looks at me. Becuase my time for that is growing to a close, and I want it back for just a little while.

Is that so wrong?

I suppose it is. It's very shallow and vain and superficial. But I don't care. Whatever keeps me motivated.

So I walked 5 miles. And today, I'm going to do it again. Can you believe I'm actually looking forward to getting out there and walking?

I think I'm on my way.

YAY me.

27 Comments:

  • At 7:52 AM, Blogger All Things BD said…

    YAY for you indeed. You could be describing me in this post (except I'm 5'10" and long-waisted, but still). Good for you for not beating yourself up about regaining the weight, and for getting back into the routine.

    I have a friend who came up with this declaration: she doesn't want to be fat and 40. I wanted a positive spin, so I changed it to being FIT and 40. I have no illusions of string bikinis and skinny jeans. I just want to be toned and strong. We're motivating each other to go to the gym, and we get up at 5:45AM (!) three days a week to walk. I'm starting to hater her just a little.

     
  • At 8:20 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    Ok I missed the 40 cutoff - I am 41 and WAY overweight - you may just have motivated me to get on my treadmill today and for more than the measly 15 mins I usually do.

    I watch the Biggest Loser and think if they can do it, so can I...and then I do nothing.

     
  • At 9:04 AM, Blogger kristianekat said…

    Good for you! You have inspired me to go work out today. I totally here you on MANY fronts. I've lost 35 lbs. since February, but I only continue to lose when I'm working out. I also feel really good when I do it consistantly. Keep it up and let us know how it goes!

     
  • At 9:15 AM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    YaY YOU indeed.

    Some years ago I took a weight training class. It was a combo light aerobics w/weights. The change after only a few weeks was envigorating.

    A friend asked why. I used my grocery shopping escapades as an example. How physically draining it was to haul my purchases the 4 blocks home. Before training I couldn't do it without 1.being winded and 2. feeling the need to rest for the next 12 hours. After training, piece of cake.

    She didn't get it. But let me tell ya, being strong, rocks. Hard.

    I've been working to get back to that...and losing weight as well.
    YaY! You, Indeed!

     
  • At 9:54 AM, Blogger (In)Sanity Gal said…

    Way to go!!! I used to work as a personal trainer and trained a lot of people who weren't able to acknowledge the cycle that was occurring, and it was incredibly painful for them. I applaud your previous efforts and your drive to get back into it. I'll be routing for you!

     
  • At 10:59 AM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Yay you, indeed!
    I'm proud of you!

    I never thought I'd say it, but I'm looking forward to getting back into my exercise routine after my body heals from the C~section. I want to be strong again, too!

    And there is NOTHING wrong with wanting attention from the opposite sex (or even the same sex ~ hee hee). There's no better motivator than being admired for your physical beauty to want to get your ass in shape!

     
  • At 2:48 PM, Anonymous courtney said…

    Just yesterday I was told that I'm pre-diabetic so I have to lose weight to keep the official diabetes diagnosis at bay. Blagh. I'm only 27, I shouldn't have diabetes yet! And I'm not *that* overweight... but c'est la vie. So I'm right next to you on the weight loss challenge.

     
  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Shutter Bitch said…

    Yay for you indeed. I find myself increasingly inspired by that show The Biggest Loser and while I haven't done anything about it yet, I need to. And, erm, I have the same gravity problem with my abdomen weight and below that you have and that really. bothers. me.

    Good luck to you. I would definitely like to hear more from you as you make progress.

     
  • At 4:13 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Absolutely YAY YOU!!!!
    Cheering for you from downunder :)
    And I bet it won't be just you that gets a kick out of you impressing those 20something guys - those family men of yours will be appreciating it too (ask them, I dare ya).
    Cos didn't you once mention that your sons like that you don't schlep around the house in yuk clothing and do bother with makeup?

     
  • At 4:47 PM, Anonymous OmegaMom said…

    Woot! Yay, you! I need to follow in your footsteps; Fit and fifty will do nicely for me, when I hit it all too soon.

     
  • At 6:26 PM, Blogger Magi said…

    Yay you is right! I want to get started so badly, but just don't. I'm not sure why. I need to figure that out. Your story helps inspire me though.

     
  • At 8:57 PM, Blogger Amy Nathan said…

    You rock. I'm so proud of you -- I know about your struggle with weight. It's something else we share. I feel motivated by you -- and tomorrow I'm going walking...thank you!

     
  • At 12:52 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    I am so proud of you

     
  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Baroness von B said…

    After believing I would be fat for the rest of my life, I took control, and let me tell you - it is amazing. I will try my damndest to never go back.

    To have your mind and your body flow gracefully as one unit, rather than a beautiful mind on top of a lumbering body? Blissful.

    Keep it up, lady! Once you bottle that motivation, you are well on your way.

     
  • At 11:24 AM, Blogger Day Dreamer said…

    You are telling my story. The height, the weight, the everyting! I set out to do the exact same thing you did this year. I didn't do it and I turn 40 next month. I just gave up.

    It's not too late for me, tho. I think I can stick to it. Tell ya what, I'll jump back on my total gym starting tomorrow morning (I'm a morning workout girl!) and I'll keep with it. It'll be a little easier knowing that you're burning too.

    Hell yes on the Yay you! Keep it up!! I know exactly what you're going through. We deserve to feel better about ourselves! Nothing wrong about that at all!

    You go!

     
  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger IIDLYYCKMA said…

    having lost over 100 lbs in my life time I am so cheering you on:) You do feel better when you are height and weight appropriate:) And there is nothing at all wrong with wanting to be looked at as a woman:)

     
  • At 12:45 PM, Blogger Lisa said…

    You go girl! Who cares what your motivation is as long as it is what YOU want to do! It's a tough road, but you can do it I am sure!

     
  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    yay indeed. The cycle of thin and bigger is a real pain in the ass.

    and being strong rocks.

    and wanting to be looked at in that way? Not shallow at all.

     
  • At 8:40 PM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    yippeee for you!

    I've got to get exercising. I know once I start I'll be fine, but that first step? OY.

     
  • At 3:58 AM, Blogger Marit said…

    Oh my, you could be describing me... I am so with you on the whole pubic mound thingy. Makes for disgusting camel toes..
    Anyhow,here's to both of us getting the weight off and the sexy looks back on!

     
  • At 4:07 AM, Blogger Mamalooper said…

    I miss being looked at in that way! And I miss being strong and flexible too.

    Doing it through exercise is, for me, what I call the lazy man's way - too hard to do by only trying to reduce calories.

    I start a 4 week boot camp in a couple of weeks...ack.

     
  • At 7:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So many of us saying the same thing at the same time...

    I (for reasons I know not) got my fat self back to the gym yesterday...

    I think it must be the change of season that causes me to get back on the wagon.

    Mary in Texas

     
  • At 11:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    didnt you say you were taking a break from bloging? I like you stuff but do you stay for the atention?

     
  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous gurukarm said…

    Exercise? the *hardest* thing ever. Good for you for focusing on what feels good about it for you.

    Also, wanted to say, in terms of positive re-framing, I'm trying to remind myself all the time that I'm GETTING RID of weight I don't want, not "losing" it - when I lose something, usually I'm distressed and unhappy and want it back. I *don't* want weight back. Again. :-) Hope that thought helps you too.

    Cheers and keep up keeping up!

     
  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger Boliath said…

    I'm just about to turn 39, guess we'll hit that 40 thing together!

    No flabby pubic mound as far as I know, I can't really see it, my belly hangs over :)

    Well, not quite but close.

    Go for it, maybe I will too.

     
  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger Terri said…

    Okay, you have SO motivated me to exercise. I know exactly how you feel. I'll be forty in a year and a half and am determined to get back into shape before then. Thanks for some much needed motivation.

     
  • At 6:53 PM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    It's not wrong at all to want to see that admiration. You get to it, sister.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home