Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'll Take Some Closure In Lemon Chiffon With Buttercream Please

(EDITED: Now with supercute photo of yours truly, ca. 1975)

First, WOW. I've been lamenting the loss of my audience, thinking nobody was still reading. But the comments yesterday proved otherwise. A sincere THANK YOU to all who took the time to comment. The support, the advice, and the perspective were all appreciated more than you can possibly know. It's nice to know we're not on this walk alone, and I promise to post updates as we progress. I can't solve your child's problems and you can't solve my child's problems. But we can share information and experience. And we can offer each other hope.

Now, on to today's post....

Last night, I was watching the Food Network. Or rather, I was wasting time on the computer while husband watched the Food Network, because I never watch it on purpose.

I loathe cooking, you see. I'm honestly not interested in knowing how to do it better. Cheaper and faster and with less effort...absolutely.

But better? Na-uh. Because invariably, better means more work. And that? Is contrary to my nature when it comes to all things cookulatory.

Also, it always makes me want to eat. And I swear to God, thinking about eating is the same as eating as far as my ass is concerned. Thanks to stolid Teutonic genes, my fat cells assimilate calories by osmosis.

Anyway, the point is, it's not really my thing, so some of the shows that I happened to catch were heretofore unknown to me.

My ears pricked up when Charm City Cakes came on. My sister used to work in a bakery and became quite accomplished. She even made a toilet cake once. It was very realistic.

And up until a few years ago when Mom-made cakes became uncool in the extreme, I made all the boys' cakes. I think I fancied myself a bit of an amateur cake artiste. Even if a couple of my cakes were more likeley to end up here than anywhere else.

I watched these talented folks create one fantastic confection after another. Some were whimsical, some were silly, some were elegant. All were unique and interesting.

And I realized....

That I have some residual resentment from not having the cake of my dreams at my wedding. haven't heard that story? Sit's a doozy.

Well you know...I've gotten over most of it. To tell the truth, if I had it to do all over again, I would have skipped the wedding altogether and spent another week in Europe.

But back then, I swore that one day, we would do it over again, properly. We would renew our vows and it would be the most elegant affair ever, even if I had to sell my body to every soccer Dad in suburbia to do it. What's a little penicillin when we're talking about the realization of every little girl's fondest dream?


Fifteen years we've been married and it seems a little pointless and frivolous now.

And yet...

I still long to have a cake of transcendant loveliness.

When I was six, I was the flower girl in my cousin's wedding. I had a beautiful pale blue high necked long dress, with a cameo embroidered on the bust. My mother gave me a ridiculously sophisticated updo. And I got to carry a little white wicker basket of blue and white daises.

The bride's father was very well to do and the wedding was a very elegant affair. elegant as 1975 could ever hope to be, I guess.

She had a cake that took up the entire table. It had a real fountain that spouted blue tinted water, which cascaded down the tiers with magical grace. I remember gasping when I caught sight of that magnificent cake. It was everything a little girl could ever dream of. And I did, from that day forward.

Someday...someday I would have a storybook wedding and an amazing cake that would make all my guests gasp the way I had.

By the time my own wedding came along, I had pretty much abandonded the fountain idea. Passee. Gauche. TACK-y.

My cake would be the epitome of elegance and sophistication.

Unfortunately, though I wanted something like this:

Or this:

Or even this: (AA, I'm thinking of you here)

What I got...SIGH...was this:

As bad as it looks in the picture, the reality, I'm afraid, was even worse. Because what appears to be a soft peach, was actually, a shockingly garish orange.

I suppose I should be grateful that I had a cake at all. Because my mother said "I don't care WHAT happened, you get my daughter a cake, NOW." And this is what I got, in an hour, at 9:00 on a Saturday night. From Publix.

When you look at it that way it's kind of a wedding miracle.

When I'm under a lot of stress, I have one of several dreams: My teeth are falling out, I've lost the diamonds from my wedding ring, the high school calls to tell me there was a mistake and I didn't really graduate and....cutting into a beautiful wedding cake to find it filled with garbage.

I blame that last one on the fact that I was denied the cake of my dreams.

I feel that I need closure. And by closure I mean cake.

My 40th birthday is less than a year away. I'm just sayin'.


  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger said…

    And you *shall* have cake!

    And it will be a lovely one!

    (Order two, just in case. ;-) )

  • At 8:29 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    I think you should send your story into Charm City Cakes. maybe they'll take pity and make you a monster of a wedding/birthday cake.

    Hopefully not in the shape of a toilet!

  • At 10:55 AM, Blogger Kiy said…

    BTW, I am a huge fan of FN and I love that show.

    I fear I have a similar story about our wedding cake. Not near yours, but a power struggle that left me not with the cake of my dreams. I promised myself the same thing you did and (also) 15 years later we have yet to renew those vows.

    A friend once told me the secret to a great marriage was a disaster at the wedding or reception. Maybe you and I fared better than we think?

    Make sure you get that cake though. And make it spectacular!

    Cheers, Kiy

  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger jess said…

    Cookulatory?- Best. Word. EVer.

    I met someone once who rented an ice cream truck for her wedding in lieu of a wedding cake. I think that's a fine idea, and I intend to use it if 1) I actually get married, and 2) If we don't just elope to save all the hassle of planning a wedding.

  • At 11:44 AM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    Chuckle x 2.
    Have your cake. And eat it. Take many pics first please.

  • At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think that's a great idea! Hm. My five-oh is coming up soon (eek), and maybe I will steal your idea.

    Go absolutely crazy. Order yourself a splendiferous cake, only the most tasteful and elegant (and *tasty*, must be tasty) cake available, and then, as suggested, take pics and share with us!

  • At 4:00 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Oh, ABSOLUTELY you have to, just HAVE TO, have the cake of your dreams at your 40th! And yes, your readers WILL want photos.

  • At 5:06 PM, Blogger Tania said…

    I'm not as romantic as you. My wedding cake was a plastic rental.

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    I makeBarbie on a Bad Day birthday cakes for my girlfriends.

    really. i do.

  • At 11:29 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    You need a truly fab 40th birthday cake. For my 40th birthday, I had chocolate fondue, which was lovely EXCEPT one caveat: chocolate fondue and children DO NOT mix. There was chocolate EVERYWHERE.

  • At 12:50 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    According to what I've heard, a year should be about sufficient time for us all to save up and collectively get you a cake from Charm City.

    But you are SO worth it!!

  • At 12:55 AM, Blogger Laura K. said…

    LOL - I had a similar cake story. My cake was from Safeway. My food for the reception was from the Safeway deli. What can I say? We were poor college students, and I was a checker at the grocery store. We're still pretty frugal to this day.

    At any rate, the baker called the afternoon before my wedding and asked "What would you think about silver foil leaves on your cake?" I told her "No. Absolutely no fake, foil leaves". Later the same day she calls "What about just a few foil leaves?" Me: "No. No foil leaves!" Day of the wedding, what's on the cake? silver foil leaves... to go with the blue roses the color of Cookie Monster's fur.

    And in spite of our low-budget wedding, our marriage lives on nearly 12 years later.

    I think a kick ass cake for your 40th is an absolutely rockin' idea.

    Oh - and I'm one of those lurker types who rarely posts, but you've got my support, too. I enjoy your writing, and I think you've got some good things to say. As long as blogging is still meeting *your* needs, I say stick with it.

  • At 4:50 PM, Blogger A Bite of Country Cupcakes said…

    I sort of had the dream cake...Small Understated and totally simple but beaUTIFUl!

  • At 4:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yes, go the cake!
    I loved my cake - one of the only things i didn't let others sway me about.
    Three tiered choc mud with apricot jam covered in choc then wrapped in pink ribbon and choc bows with gold hearts sticking out of it - it looked like a huge present and we served it for dessert with strawberry coolee and ice cream. Was sooooo good.
    Love your honest opinion on everything - am supporting you from afar. Can you feel it?

  • At 6:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My mother had a homemade wedding cake but never got to see it.

    Her only request was no bride and groom on top. When they wheeled out her cake, guess what: bride and groom cake topper.

    Immediately the relative who made the cake ran over to say, "That's not your cake!"

    Apparently the hotel holding the reception had accidentally served my mother's cake at a wedding the evening before.

    She never even saw a picture of it.

    Hope you finally get the cake of your dreams!


  • At 6:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, and my parents had a long and happy marriage that ended only when my father passed away.


  • At 10:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think a big perfect cake for your 40th is just the thing to make you feel better--- as long as I am there to help you eat it.

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Magpie said…

    I'd make you a cake.


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