Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Denial Ain't Just a River In Egypt

A while back, some Moms and I were sitting around talking after a PTA meeting. We were discussing the most disconcerting aspect of parenting a teen - addressing sexuality.

Now, I've tried really hard to keep the lines of commnunication open with my boys.

My upbringing was extremely conservative and sex was just not discussed. Ever. Well, except for one awkward and purely technical conversation with my father (my mother couldn't bring herself to do it) when I was 11, after I'd used the F word in mixed company. An insert tab A into slot B, sort of thing.

Even my advent into womanhood went unremarked upon. A box of Tampax appeared in the bathroom cabinet and that, as they say, was that.

I don't blame my parents. The time they lived in fostered a sense of shame and secrecy regarding sexuality. And I would venture to guess that a lot of you have a similar story to tell. It's just the way things were.

A lot of my sex education occurred on the playground and, amusingly enough, in the pages of ersatz adult novels. I distinctly remember a tattered volume hidden away behind the John Jakes paperbacks. It was titled "Her Secret Kinks".

Whew. Talk abut titillating. I couldn't very well NOT crack that sucker open, now could I?

It was a most illuminating read.

And useful as well. It was really my own personal sexual dictionary, and I referred to it often. It was my go to guide to sexual congress and carnal vernacular.

Once, some young playground romeo, affecting a sexual sophistication that I am now certain was entirely feigned, had slyly informed me that he would like to "screw" me.

My reaction was one of blase indifference, but on the inside I was all aflutter. Though I wasn't entirely certain of his meaning, I knew it was a sexual proposition of some sort.

Having covertly read "Her Secret Kinks" cover to cover, and then gone back to re-read the really good parts, I was fairly certain it had been used as a euphemism for sexual intercourse. A quick referral confirmed that, and the next day I kicked said young man squarely in his secret kinks.

Unfortunately, having such a book at my disposal did not make me completely immune from forming entirely erroneous and sometimes exceedingly ridiculous notions about sex. And it didn't cover the really heavy emotional stuff that comes with physical intimacy.

So. I try to talk to my kids about sex and let them know that I am always available to answer questions. I want them to know that they can always come to me.

To my satisfaction and chagrin, they do.

The discussion with the Moms turned to one young woman in the neighborhood, who was rumored to be providing oral services to a number of young men.

One woman, whose son had just entered Middle School, expressed disbelief.

"I just don't think thirteen year olds are giving blow jobs for heaven's sake! I didn't even know what a blow job was when I was thirteen! I was still playing with Barbie dolls!"

Well, I was too. But I wasn't unaware of sex. Indeed, I had discovered my own sexuality at a very early age through unabashed exploration.

And people, this is where our problem lies. We forget that children are sexual beings. They have the same parts as we do. They experience the same feelings of pleasure and the same urges.

Who among us, with a little boy, hasn't had to feign nonchalance when that first erection is met with joy and wonder and announced with enthusiasm to anyone within earshot?

Who, with a daughter, has not had to explain that we don't put our fingers in there when other people are around?

They are thinking about sex. They are having sex. And we have to face that head on (no pun intended).

I drive carpool every third day. It's an excellent opportunity to find out exactly what is going on in their world. Sometimes I talk, but mostly I listen. And they think I don't hear, so their discussions are not tempered by caution.

My cargo is comprised of one fourth grade girl, and two fifth grade boys.

Yesterday, this conversation took place.

Fifth grade boy: "Did you break up with that guy?"

Fourth grade girl: "No."

Fifth grade boy: "I thought you were?"

Fourth grade girl: "No. My friend said I should. She was like 'You should totally break up with him.' and I was like, 'No' and she was like, 'Well, don't come crying to me when he cheats on you.' and I was like, 'Shut up'."

Fifth grade boy: "Oh."

Fourth grade girl: "Yeah. AND, my other friend told me that he told her brother that he is totally in love with me. She was like 'All he wants is you. All he thinks about is you. He is totally committed.'"

Fifth grade boy: "Oh well, I guess that's good then."

Diminutive One just looked bemused and bewildered, and offered no input whatsover.


Even I, seasoned though I consider myself to be, was a little taken aback.

What is my point? I promise, there is one.

We have to talk to our kids about sex.

And we can't wait until they are asking the tough questions. We can't just bury our heads in the sand and hope it will go away.

We have to foster an attitude of normalcy and acceptance regarding their sexuality. It's super important that we don't project the feelings of shame and embarassment with which we were raised, onto them.

Because if they think you're embarassed, then they become embarassed too. If they think it's shameful, they feel ashamed.

And they won't talk to you.

Look, I didn't particularly relish talking to my 13 year old son about anal sex. But it had to be done. And afterward, I felt ridiculously proud of myself for maintaining my composure and being honest and direct with him.

And now I know, that he knows, that if he can talk to me about anal sex, he can talk to me about any friggen' thing.

Diminutive One is, as, I've mentioned before, a horse of a different color. He marches to his own beat. In some ways, he's light years ahead of his peers, but in others, he is obviously far behind.

When issues of sex arise, more often than not, he holds up his hands and says, "I don't need to hear about that. I'm only 10 for cripes sake."

That's fine with me.

But I'm not naieve enough to think that will be the case for long. Middle School looms on the horizon. I know there are more discussions about anal sex in my future.

And knowing him, he will find new and even more effective ways to test my parenting mettle, not to mention my capacity for withstanding embarassment and pretending I am completely at ease.

I'll keep you posted.


  • At 7:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I find the more that I shut up and listen, the more my daughters reveal. And you have the BEST quotes on your page...ever. Glad Google Reader recommended you.

  • At 7:40 PM, Blogger All Things BD said…

    I find you very wise indeed. I had a hard time talking to my 8 year old daughter about periods and such, and that's just the beginning. I'm going to try and follow your great example, because we've got a long, scary row to hoe.

  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    My friend works with high schoolers and says almost every boy has naked photos of their girlfriends on their cell phone. Years ago, I remember hearing that a relative say she was 'saving herself' until she was 15. Whoa, 15 is saving yourself?

    So, yeah, I've had the talk with my oldest at 7yo but I know I need to get more detailed. I just hope I can muster the courage and tell her what she needs to know, unlike my parents who basically told me how babies were made and that was it.

  • At 8:36 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I've always been totally open to talking about sex with my teens mostly because I was brought up by parents who were pretty damn open about sex. So there aren't a lot of hangups in our house. Which leads me to my latest discussion with my son (16) that starts with me saying "How come when you download porn it's always about anal sex?" I mean, ewwww. But that's what he's interested in right now and I just want to discuss it to let him know that HE might like it, but many of his partners may not.

    I love parenting teens!

  • At 8:43 PM, Blogger Green-Eyed Momster said…

    I can't just bury my head in the sand like my folks did. I think that they were too embarassed to talk about sex with me because their parents didn't talk to them. My mom was prego and had my sister at 17 years old!
    My kids know that they can talk to me about anything. I'll have them talk with you about the anal thing!!


    I'm joking and blushing!!


  • At 11:46 PM, Blogger Middle Girl said…

    Yeah, I'm here to tell ya, you gotta be straight with the kiddies, even when they don't ask.

  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    I made every mistake in the book - including having sex way too early - because no one ever talked to me about it. I wanted information more than the actual act, but if I had no information, by gosh I was going to find out...and to learn by doing.

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger Lara said…

    you rock. that is all. :)

  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had the same "whoa.don''ll.lose.him" experience the other day when my 8yo asked if an old widowed woman who was not married could get pregnant. We've had very little conversations about sex prior to this aside from the "seed and egg" talk, and it was one of the first times I really elaborated. He then replied, "what if she has "improper" sex?" I guess I should have asked what he meant by "improper"... I think he knows more than I think...

    That and your post have let me know that I need to up the ante here... I don't think he'll settle for just the books that were tossed my way as a kid. Thx BA.

  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I had the same "whoa.don''ll.lose.him" experience the other day when my 8yo asked if an old widowed woman who was not married could get pregnant. We've had very little conversations about sex prior to this aside from the "seed and egg" talk, and it was one of the first times I really elaborated. He then replied, "what if she has "improper" sex?" I guess I should have asked what he meant by "improper"... I think he knows more than I think...

    That and your post have let me know that I need to up the ante here... I don't think he'll settle for just the books that were tossed my way as a kid. Thx BA.

  • At 11:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    we try so hard to be honest, but i know they must get such wacky ideas sometimes. i am terrified of the teen years.

  • At 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I haven't given as much info to my 9 year old daughter as I have my 11 year old. 11 year old is sporting a 36C bra and has been having her period for almost a year. I've discussed a bit more than the "basic mechanics" with her, and my wish that she would wait until she is at least 18 to engage in sexual activity. We'll see how that goes. I told her that some boys (and men) will lie out of their butt to get what they want. I was going to say sexual activity of any kind makes girls/women throw up (which she hates to do) but I didn't figure she would believe that for long.
    A friend with 2 boys and 1 girl once said: When you have 2 boys, you worry about 2 boys. When you have a girl, you have to worry about all the boys. That was less than encouraging.
    Ame I. in TN

  • At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think you are doing great regarding the openness of your relationship with your kids. I am the same with my daughter, she's 14 now, and still doesn't care too much about sex. Every now and then an odd question pops up and I answer her honestly, hoping that I don't freak her out (my fears, not hers). I also love the fact that she isn't interested in boys or girls at the moment and is focused on school and having friends, not dating so and so.


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