Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Friend Is Still Dead

And I am still struggling to accept that.

For a lot of reasons, her death was extremely tragic. She did everything right; legally, by the book. And still she ended up shot through the heart, because nobody was listening.

So I've moved through the stages of grief. I think they are different for everyone, but for me, it has been denial, anger and action.

The denial feeds the anger, the anger spurs the action. But really, they are just band aids for the deeper hurt that I haven't yet allowed myself to fully experience.

I suspect I won't be able to move into the acceptance stage until I do.

But I've realized that my friend has given me a gift; unbeknownst to her. I think she would be glad to know her death wasn't entirely in vain, but I know both of us would rather she were still alive, and the gift still ungiven.

So I can't waste it.

I've been doing a lot of procrastinatign in terms of what I should do with my life now that motherhood is no longer a full time gig. I didn't prepare for this day, truthfully.

It's funny...when you're deep in the throes of sleepless nights and catnap days, you really can't conceive of a day when your time is your own again. But it comes. Quickly.

This song has been playing incessantly in my head:



I know it's about obsessive love, but for me, the words resonate because they speak about loss of identity; the confusion over what and who I've become in the 14 years since I said good-bye to singularity.

"I don't know, who I am, who I am without you...."

For me, it isn't a greedy lover who has appropriated my sense of self, but needy children. It isn't their fault, of course. It's mine. I gave it up without a thought, thinking myself a good mother.

So now the time has come to change that. And I know it has to be done. But as you all know, because I have written about it ad nauseum, I am rife with indecision.

Someone suggested I was just lazy. But I'm not. I'm scared.

So, I keep putting it off. I tell myself that tomorrow, I'll decide. Tomorrow I'll make some calls. Tomorrow I'll create my gameplan. Tomorrow, I will take that first step.

But you know what? Eventually, we run out of tomorrows. My sweet friend thought she had many more tomorrows left to see.

I don't want to die never having done something really great. I don't want to die never having done something my kids can be proud of. I don't want to die wondering who I am.

The gift my friend has given me, is the gift of today and the clarity to see that I have to live like there is no tomorrow.

Thank You, L.

19 Comments:

  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    I think you'll do something great. And, I look forward to watching your journey. I think your friend would be proud of you.

     
  • At 12:00 AM, Anonymous Bunny said…

    Your gig as a mother will never end. And motherhood is something you already do with greatness! I know I'll be buying your book someday. Glad you can find the silver lining in the midst of tragedy.

     
  • At 12:47 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    ((you))

     
  • At 6:28 AM, Blogger Jaime said…

    sending some (((HUGS)))) your way.

     
  • At 8:40 AM, Blogger Jozet at Halushki said…

    One step at a time...that's what I keep telling myself. Smaller goals leading to bigger ones.

    But I understand that inertia. I also understand the urgency.

     
  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger margalit said…

    As the queen of inertia and anxiety, I can relate. I don't want a job, per se, but I do want more than what I have now. Starting slowly has worked well for me. I'm talking turtle speed. First joining the moms group that I love so much, then doing more volunteer advocacy work that came from mom's group referrals, and now I'm thinking of going back to school to get certified as a state advocate. It's a year program, it's not too scary (I don't think) and it would allow me to get cases from the state pool, which would be excellent.

    Small steps. Very small steps. You can do it!

     
  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    I did not know you had lost a friend. My condolences. That sounds trite. How fucking awful is more truthful really.

     
  • At 10:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    A misconception that I had about grief before really personally experiencing it, is that grief is linear. I thought you went from one step to the next.

    I have learned that it's not like that at all. You will deny, be angry, then accept, then go right back to denying, being angry or being overwhelming sad. I've found that even four years after losing a loved one, I still experience all those stages.

     
  • At 12:35 PM, Anonymous heidig said…

    Wow!

     
  • At 1:00 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    I've not been where you are and so, no advice, really. But know that you are great, have already accomplished great things and more will come.

    Peace to you and to those you hold dear.

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I haven't heard that song... and I like it. So thank you for that.

    I'm proud of you for finding the positive in such a difficult circumstance. You are to be admired for that ~ it's not easy to do.

     
  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Grief is a roller coaster that I want to get off of but I can't.

    Good luck on your journey to find peace.

     
  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Good luck. You won't need it. You are fully capable of getting back out there and gathering new experiences for your collection.

    I spent nearly a year unemployed last year - and i'm the Mom of school aged kids. At first, I enjoyed having the opportunity to do different stuff. But, after a couple of months passed, I found myself feeling "really busy" with mind numbing errands and tasks that didnt' matter. I spent too much time on too many small things. Getting back to work was an adjustment - and there are good days and bad days just like any other point in our lives - but I love how my capacity grew to do more, in less time, and feel like I really LIVE each day - new problems to solve, new issues, new minefields to walk through. You know that saying, "if you want something done, give it to a busy person". Its true - the more you take on - the more energized you become. I love being able to contribute to the financial well being of the family - those new shoes the kid is wearing is because of ME - my sacrifice, my effort - my work that was valued enough that someone paid me for it. I HATED working when my kids were small - I wasn't talented enough to handle both well - but I couldn't do without it now.

    All the best.

     
  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Baroness von B said…

    WHO the f*ck called you lazy? Give me an address, so I can rip'em a new one.

    I understand your confliction and how all these things are enmeshed as one; you want to move ahead, but you want to stay still, too.

    Be gentle with yourself - grief is something that needs its time, or it will pop up unexpectedly when you least expect it.

    Go easy, dear one.

     
  • At 10:30 PM, Blogger Nachama said…

    I love this despite being a faithful atheist ~~ and having read your blog for so long I am quite sure that you are one of the "shiniest" people around!!

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
    ~~Marianne Williamson

     
  • At 9:00 AM, Blogger Miss Peg said…

    You have already done something great, you have been a mother to your children! With that being said, as the mother of 14 and 16 year old boys, I had the same feelings hit me in the face a couple of years ago. I kept talking about going to college and getting a degree, then one day I just enrolled. Now I am one semester away from said degree and on a path not quite sure where it will lead. All I know is you have to take that first step.

     
  • At 11:32 PM, Blogger nina said…

    My "tomorrow" finally came last March, do you realize I will have my associates degree in August?

    I know "scared". I am a complete weenie about school... even still.

    (((HUGS))) BA

    nina

     
  • At 10:13 PM, Blogger jen said…

    oh honey.

     
  • At 11:35 AM, Blogger Laura said…

    If any words from a complete stranger would help, I would try to offer some wisdom. but it seems like you have a lot of folks who care about you who are holding out arms of comfort and encouragement. I'm just a bystander who happened by by chance and was touched by your heartfelt post and so have spent the last twenty minutes reading the back story.

    I'm sorry.

    Life sucks sometimes.

    I'm sending up a prayer for those two little girls without their mommy.

     

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