Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Struggling to Say Goodbye

Closure.

As I've mentioned before, it's an important thing.

Because you see, when someone dies, and you don't get a chance to say good-bye, they remain alive in your heart, even though you know, rationally, that they are gone.

That's where I'm at right now....

Struggling to picture my vivacious smiling friend, lying cold and expressionless in a coffin.

I. Can't. Do. It.

She was a tiny, tiny person. But she had a huge presence. The phrase "larger than life" applied to her in every possible way. I can't imagine her silent and unsmiling, no matter how hard I try.

She had so many funny little mannerisms and quirks. She was just a ray of sunshine. I know that survivors tend to deify people who have passed on...to focus on their good qualities and disremember the bad, but with my friend, there's nothing bad to disremember.

Not that she was perfect. She wasn't. But that was part of what made her so lovable. She was a real person; genuine. She was who she was and made no apologies for it.

I couldn't go to her funeral, which was in Houston. I was in Wisconsin when news of her death came, and neither finances nor circumstances would allow for me to fly down and say goodbye to my friend.

So for now, she lives on. In my heart, my memory, and my reality.

I know she's no longer in this world. But I can't seem to let go of the idea that it's all a dreadful mistake.

HOW CAN THIS WORLD BE EMPTY OF HER?

I can't delete her phone number from the preset menu on my cellphone. I can't delete her from my facebook friends list. I can't delete her from my email address book. Because that would mean accepting that she's gone. And I'm just not ready to do that yet.

Maybe, if I had seen her lying there I could. But without the brutal reality of that sight...I just can't.

I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.



Hvil i fred kjære venn Lisboa (thanks M, for the Norwegian). Someday our Flinstone feet will meet again.

I just know it.

(Feet clockwise from Top: Nina, BA, AA, and Lisbeth)

22 Comments:

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Heartbreaking.

     
  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger Traceytreasure said…

    Hugs!!

     
  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger cndymkr / jean said…

    I wish I could offer some you some sense of peace. Only time will allow for that. I hope you find that peace soon.

     
  • At 10:34 PM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    So sorry. The lack of closure does surely make it that much worse. Hugs to you.

     
  • At 10:55 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    I can't even fathom your grief, I can only offer my condolences and wish I could give you the closure you need.

    xo

     
  • At 12:43 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    oh honey

     
  • At 1:13 AM, Blogger sam {temptingmama} said…

    *hugs* You've reduced me to a blubbering mess. I too am facing a really tough good-bye at this very moment.

    Just keep in your heart that you will one day meet again. Don't rush yourself to remove her from your daily life. Hell, keep her there for the rest of your days!

    Huge *hugs*

     
  • At 2:21 AM, Blogger jess said…

    I'm so sorry...

     
  • At 2:41 AM, Blogger margalit said…

    I wish I could just grab you, make a pot of tea and some pecan sandys and munch away the afternoon with you. It seems unfair that the friends that want to hug you the most are inside the big box. But know we're thinking of you during this difficult time.

     
  • At 8:05 AM, Blogger Mac and Cheese said…

    Wish I could help.

     
  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger Loralee Choate said…

    I was 3,000 miles away when one of my best friends died and I could not get home for his funeral.

    I struggled with "closure". (Although, I am not sure that it really exists or is completely possible when you lose someone you love.)

    That was 15 years ago and I still miss him. Although it made it more surreal to miss his funeral, as time has passed, I am actually glad that I don't have those images in my head.

    Everyone is different, though.

    I am really sorry about your friend and am so sad for her family.

     
  • At 3:21 PM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    My condolences and hugs, BA. I can't imagine.

     
  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger jen said…

    oh honey. i've been gone and am just back and saw this.

    i am so, so sorry.

     
  • At 6:40 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I love your beautiful Flintstone feet... (especially because I have lovingly called my feet by the same name)
    I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish I had words but I suspect no one does and you have to just feel this.
    Hang in there, Mama.

     
  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger Six Green Zebras said…

    (((HUGS)))

    I don't think she'll ever be off my Facebook page, my address book, any of it. I just can't.

    I feel your pain, BA, I wish we didn't have to go through this.

     
  • At 10:12 AM, Anonymous AA said…

    Nope, I can't delete her either. And I don't intend to. I was really upset I could not attend the funeral, but I am unsre how I would handle those memories, so maybe it is a good thing.

    I can't wrap my head around the fact that she is gone. Does not seem in the realm of possibilities. I mean I know people die, but that Lisbeth is gone so quickly is too much.

     
  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger Oh, The Joys said…

    I'm so sorry, C.

    xo,
    OTJ

     
  • At 11:04 PM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    i hope the person who did this is put away quickly.

     
  • At 11:04 PM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    i hope the person who did this is put away quickly.

     
  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous drowningpisces said…

    BA- I'm so so sorry for the loss that you, Nina, AA, and others are feeling. As I told Nina, I didn't know Lisbeth, but hearing Nina talk and tell stories of her I can tell she was a most special person. No way to take the pain of losing a friend away... so so sorry -

     
  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous O'mama said…

    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope your memories and the joys you shared will make her passing easier to bear.

     
  • At 9:20 PM, Blogger IIDLYYCKMA said…

    I am just catching up and reading about your loss, and am so very sorry. I am hugging you from Oregon. I know I don't know you 3D, but please take comfort in the fact we are all out here hugging you from all over.

     

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