Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

With Ears Wide Open

Because my spiritual beliefs are somewhat ambiguous and convoluted, I really have no strong convictions about what happens to us after we die.

I would like to believe very much that we live on, somehow. It would certainly calm some of my fears.

I have a death phobia, to be perfectly honest. I am both repelled by it and oddly attracted to it. I find it seductive, though I am a reluctant paramour.

I look at those disgusting autopsy photos on the internet. They are horrifying. And mesmerizing. They scare me. Because it could be me lying there cold and waxen. And they comfort me. Because it's not me lying on that table, with my breasts hanging slack and empty at my sides and all my battle wounds on display.

I look at crime scene photos, accident photos, forensic photos. I am held in thrall, though my palms sweat and my stomach heaves. I just can't help it, though sometimes, I am regret having looked.

Would I have the same fascination with death and death culture if I had some sort of faith regarding life after death?

I don't know.

My friend, the one who died recently, was convinced that people could reach out from beyond the grave. She was a huge fan of John Edwards, and attended no less than five tapings of his show. I think she even got to ask him a question on camera once.

During our 2007 trip to Chicago, Terri, the owner of the guesthouse, came to hang out with us one night. We drank wine and chit chatted about all kinds of things; some meaningless, some deep and profound.

At one point, the conversation turned to "ghosts" and "spirits". The majestic townhouse in which we were staying was very old and naturally, my friend wondered if anyone had ever seen or felt any "presences."

Terri told us that many guests had seen or felt such presences. She told us about the history of the building and the neighborhood, and it didn't seem unreasonable that there would be some echoes of Chicago's tumultuous past lingering there.

My friend was terribly excited by the prospect that we might encounter one of these presences.

I teased her good naturedly, and later pooh-pooh'd her assertion, as well as that of several of the other girls, that they had indeed seen and felt something. I told them it was the power of suggestion that haunted them, and not a ghost.

Blogger, thy name is skeptic. And I'm a seeing is believing kind of gal.

Would you be surprised to learn then, that recently, my friend spoke to me?

I didn't listen at first. I dismissed it as a coincidence. A pretty amazing one to be sure, but a coincidence nonetheless.

But something about it must have gotten a hold on me, because I was compelled to share it with another friend of ours, who shared it with a family member of my dead friend, who then told her something, which, when she relayed it back to me....made my flesh break out in goosebumps and the tiny hairs at the nape of my neck stand at attention.

Still, I tried to talk myself out of it.

It's just wishful thinking, I reasoned. My grief is making me vulnerable to all kinds of things I wouldn't normally fall prey to. I'm grabbing at straws. I'm making something out of nothing.

But I couldn't get it out of my mind.

And then it occurred to me that she would certainly believe she could reach out to someone after she had passed on. If she had something to say, she would believe absolutely that we would hear her.

I realized I had let go of my doubts and hear her.

I know, you all think I'm nuts. And maybe I am. But practical to a fault though I may be, even I have to sit up and take notice when something like this thwaps me on the forehead.

I guess I'd rather be crazy than close minded.

So...I heard you, L. Loud and clear.

And don't you worry, hon.


  • At 12:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't think you're nuts and I am also a skeptic and an atheist. I believe that we don't know or understand everything - and that doesn't make me default to an organized religion or an established set up beliefs - it just makes me open to the potential for possibilities.

    When my father died several years ago - I wanted so badly to hear from him again - or for him to send me a sign or something. Nothing ever came. And then it dawned on me, that his quiet departure was totally in keeping with his personality - he was a quiet man who never wanted to get in anyone's way or cause anyone anxiety. Of course he would have gone away quietly - any other way would have been out of his character.

    I smiled at the prospect of your friend's spirit contacting YOU of all people because you were probably her skeptical friend - maybe that made her smile.

    You're not nuts. You are simply being open minded.

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    Yes, let go of your doubts. Think about it this way - even IF it weren't real, the fact that it gives you some sort of comfort makes it good and important.

    Personally, I think it's real. I'm not very religious at all, and I believe in spirits and psychics and all that to an extent. No harm in it as far as I can tell. :)

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I'm agnostic and have NO idea what happens to us when we die. But I believe it's certainly possible for there to be life after death and the idea is certainly intoxicating.

    I don't think you're crazy at all and I'm glad you were open minded enough to listen. I hope she visits you again ~ I know that would comfort me.

  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I believe it.

  • At 6:03 PM, Blogger Tania said…

    I believe it too. I get goose bumpy at stories like this.

  • At 7:31 PM, Blogger Notes and letters to myself.... said…

    not crazy - just open and receptive to what's out there.

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger Ruth Dynamite said…

    Heed the call because you just. never. know.

    And personally, I'd like to believe the call is real.

  • At 9:09 PM, Blogger Chicky Chicky Baby said…

    If I were in your shoes I would desperately want to believe it. I think any comfort in these circumstances is good. Does that make any sense?

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger Unknown said…

    I do not think that you are crazy, and isn't it a great comfort to know that she can reach out to you?

    Years ago, my 15 month old son was taken off of life support just before all his organs shut down, so my husband and I could hold him in our arms. We both saw an amazing sight at the exact same moment without knowing that the other saw it. Later, in the car, we both talked about seeing a smile in his eyes and something that we both described as his soul leaving his body just as he died.

    I am Catholic and my husband was not raised with any religion whatsoever. Prior to that moment he did not believe in heaven, life after death, or whatever you choose to call it. Now he does. It gave us great peace of mind.

  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger crazymumma said…

    I am a reluctant sceptic.

    After my father died, I had this dream. he came to me and wrapped his arms around me and told me it was all okay.

    so vivid. so important.

    but believing? REALLY believing opens up this whole world of possibility and i do not know if I am ready.

  • At 12:58 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    I believe that we recycle and that we make our presence known.

  • At 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's fascinating to me that some people don't believe and are not open to it.

    It is a common experience. What's not to believe?

    I think they reach out to us, because for whatever reason they know we need them.


  • At 10:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I think that if we aggrandize ourselves into thinking we're the only forces in the ether, then we are sadly mistaken.

    I am thankful that your friend has made her presence known to you, and that you have opened yourself up to the possibility. This should comfort you and help your grief a little, maybe?

  • At 9:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am a death/crime scene/accident pictures buff as well, to the point where I briefly looked into what it would take to change careers from my boring accounting job to become a CSI (or maybe a lab worker, because I wasn't sure I could deal with certain types of crime/death scenes).

    And I fully believe in an afterlife. I think there are just too many stories that are unexplainable, too many coincidences with people hearing/seeing/feeling their dead loved ones for them to all be made up.

    And I'll be truthful, I'm very curious the circumstances surrounding the contact your friend has made. I respect your privacy and choice not to reveal something that's part her story as well on the internet, but I can't help but wonder what has made someone so "seeing is believing" such as yourself let down your guard.

  • At 5:10 PM, Blogger nina said…


  • At 6:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    In reading this, the only thought that came to mind is "how wonderful for her!" I wish that I would receive a gift like that from my mom. I lost her at the end of 2007 and still miss her terribly.


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