I'm Bringing Sexy Back
For most of our marriage, Husband and I have had grossly mismatched libidos. As a result, he's been waiting for me to peak for about 10 years. I think he was beginning to suspect that the whole thing was a myth, perpetrated by women to keep their husbands clinging to the hope that someday, someday, wives everywhere would suddenly transform into raging sex maniacs.
But lo and behold, on the verge of my fourth decade, I have suddenly become a raging sex maniac.
Now, I don't think this is strictly a physiological phenomenon.
My kids are becoming increasingly less dependant you see. And no longer is my every waking moment consumed with the care, feeding, and entertainment of an adorable but demanding little taskmaster.
Those years are tough, particularly for stay at home Moms. And they were rougher still for me, during Diminutive One's infancy and toddlerhood. I was emotionally, physically and psychologically drained by his needs.
And that, of course, does not make for a very sexually dynamic Mama.
For years I thought I would be perfectly happy if I never had sex again.
Because sex became a chore and an obligation; just another thing to cross off of my already endless list before I could sleep, eat, or otherwise see to my own needs. I became very resentful when Husband pushed for sex and I became especially resentful when he asked for certain erm..."favors". I felt then that I was nothing more than an object for sexual gratification. I found it demeaning and of course, that only heightened my resentment further.
Poor guy. He couldn't win for losing. I didn't want to be physically intimate with him in a meaningful, emotionally satisfying manner, but I didn't want to give the brother a helping hand, or...er..mouth, either.
I realize now how rejected he felt. I just didn't get that for men, sex = love. And I think he realizes now that I was overwhelmed and exhausted. But at the time, neither of us saw what was right in front of us. We were both thinking in a very singular way: I'm not getting enough sex. I'm tired of meeting everyone else's needs. Instead of: We have a problem that needs to be addressed.
Needless to say, this impacted our emotional intimacy in a big way. It was a rough patch for us, those years. We both felt overlooked by the other.
At one point, Husband decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns and purchased a book called "101 Night of Great Sex" by Laura Corn.
I was not amused.
I have to say that the premise of this book is a sound one. The purpose is to take the focus off the minutaie of everyday life and put it back onto fostering romance and intimacy, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, at that point in our lives, it backfired quite profoundly, because it took something that I already viewed as an obligation, and made it even more of a chore. I couldn't embrace or enjoy the spirit of the thing because I felt pressured and resentful.
NOW I think it would be fantastic fun. I know that book is still around here somewhere...I might even go dig it out. But then, oy. If there was already a chill between us, things deteriorated to downright frostiness.
How did we get through that?
You know, I don't know. I wish I had some words of wisdom or some fantastic advice, but really...I just don't know. I guess, because we had a strong relationship beforehand, because we really did love each other very much deep down, and because we were committed to giving our children a stable, loving home to grow up in, we just kind of floundered through it.
Also, I think, we both matured a great deal during those years.
So fast forward to present day... Things are getting easier. My kids are in school all day. They can dress, bathe, feed, wipe and buckle up themselves. Diminutive One's problems have been addressed and he is thriving. Pre-Pubescent One is reaching an age where he is largely independant.
More importantly, my erogenous zones are once again my own. My breasts are just breasts, not instruments of sustenance and comfort. I am not contantly being clung to or sat upon. I have the luxury of spending some time to make myself feel feminine and attractive, where it used to be a great accomplishment simply to get my hair brushed.
All that, combined with the fact that my hormones are what I would tentatively call "normal" for the first time in my entire life, is making me one horny mother.
I think about sex all the time. I have been stricken with a profound and unrelenting urge in the middle of almost every activity at some point; scrubbing toilets, grocery shopping, cooking dinner...you name it.
After years of looking right through most men, including my poor spouse, I now find myself looking at asses and crotches in the grocery store, on the street, at the ballpark.
Sometimes I can't help but grope my husband, which elicits tongue in cheek remarks such as "Geez, what am I, a piece of meat?" and "Is that all I am to you? An object?"
I have even begun initiating sex. That is huge.
Of course, this does me no absolutely no good when Husband is at work. But you know what's good for that?
I've never been very good at dirty talking. I grew up in a very sexually conservative household and those attitudes are deeply ingrained. Unfortunately, it's kind of a mood killer when your wife croons, "Oooooh yeah baby, have intercourse with me!"
So I've been trying. But it's difficult. However, with instant messageing, I am freeeeeeeeeee. I can say stuff I would never dream of saying to his face. The first time I did it, I was a little hesitant and awkward, but now, I just let it fly. Be forewarned, there is an art to this. There is a fine line between sounding like a sexy, sultry nymph and a clap ridden ghetto whore.
Often these parlays are met with enthusiasm. But occasionally I get..."Baby, I'm in a friggin meeting!"
But that's neither here nor there, really.
The point of this post was to let those of you who are still at that "sex is a chore" juncture know that...your libido will come back.
But in the meantime, throw your husband a boner, I mean, a bone. It will make him feel loved, and even if that's really low on your list of priorities right now, it will help strengthen your marriage. That may seem silly to us, because we interpret love much differently. But it's the reality of the male psyche. And someday, you will reap the benefits.
It's all very funny, of course, that now the shoe is on the other foot. Husband finds it ironic and terribly amusing.
Sometimes, just because he can, he will say snidely, "What...again?"
Yes, again. And again and again and again. God love the recuperative powers of the female erectile tissue.
Go forth and chat, ladies. Your husbands will thank you.
(Originally posted 04/04/08. I'm painting this week, desperately trying to finish this project before parents arrive on Friday.)