Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Occupational Hazard

I haven't slept for two weeks.

I have trouble shutting off under the best of circustances, which is why I have to read almost every night before turning out my light. My brain needs a mechanism by which to make the transition from problem solving, list making, prioritizing, care taking....into a state of of peaceful limbo.

So as I said, even when there's nothing particularly bothersome or stressful happening in my life, my mind tends to churn ceaselessly as I lie there in the dark, desperately trying to escape into oblivion.

When I'm stressed, it almost doesn't even pay to get in the bed at all.

So I'm not particularly well rested these days. And then, yesterday, like clockwork, my monthly migraine struck. Usually, I retreat to my dark and quiet bedroom with an icepack and wait for it to pass. But I had phone calls to make, emails to write, documentation to print, timelines to organize and names to list.

By ten that night, my head hurt so badly I was close to vomiting uncontrollably. I really, really hate to vomit. Its almost a pathological aversion.

Finally, sick and exhausted, I crawled into my big inviting bed, turned out the lights, and arranged the ice pack delicately for maximum exposure. I laid there breathing deeply trying to quell the nausea and stay on top of the waves of pain that washed over me in time with the beating of my heart.

I was almost asleep when my door opened and Diminutive One whispered timidly...

"Mom? Are you still awake?"

"Yes."

"Ummm...do you think I could sleep with you? I'm feeling....afraid."

SIGH. I can't tolerate any movement or jarring when I've got a migraine, and Diminutive flops around like a fish out water when he sleeps. How he gets any rest is beyond me.

"Babe, I'm sorry, I just don't think I can stand that right now. What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know. Just afraid."

Well, he had plenty to be afraid of. Our meeting with the lawyer the next day had him worried that someone would be going to jail, even though we had assured him that wouldn't happen. His anxiety was in overdrive and he had no way to cope.

Except...to get in bed with his Mom and take comfort in just being next to her. How could I refuse him?

"Alright, get in. But please try to be still."

"I won't move a muscle, I promise."

And he didn't.

We both laid there not sleeping and not moving for a long time.

It was I who broke the silence.

"Babe...I'm sorry I didn't take care of this a long time ago. I should have."

His head rose off the pillow and he peered at me, surprised.

"It's not your fault Mom. You didn't know it was so bad."

"I should have. It's my job to know stuff like that and to fix it. And I didn't and I'm sorry."

I was crying then, tears slipping down my cheeks and pooling in my ears. But I don't think he could tell in the dark.

"You took care of it Mom. You protected me."

"Not soon enough."

He slipped his arm through mine under the covers, and nestled his head into the space between my shoulder and my ear. I could smell his breath. He hadn't brushed his teeth. I didn't scold him.

"I still think you're a really good Mom."

Dear God, I'm not.

I yell too much. I swear too much. I'm impatient. I'm not consistent enough and I'm lazy about following through on threats and punishments and I let him play video games far too much because sometimes he is just so much work that I don't have the strength for even one more battle.

And I didn't fix this soon enough.

But he thinks I'm a really good Mom.

Fuck that makes me feel bad. Like I've been knifed in the gut and my entrails are spilling out onto the sidewalk, being trodden upon by heedless passersby.

Probably the kid who gets beaten black and blue every day thinks his Mom is awesome too.

Kids are so stupid.

Thank God.

Because they have no idea how inept we really are.

Someday, I'll make this up to you Diminutive One. I don't how, or when, or where, but I will. Maybe I'll buy you a new car for your 16th birthday and you won't even know that it's guilt that put those keys in your hand.

Maybe I'll co-sign for your first loan, or give you money to start your own business or babysit your kids like, a million times without being paid.

I understand some things my parents did a little more clearly now.

It's the secret they don't tell you about when they hand you that little pink or blue bundle. What you're also taking home that day is a lifetime of guilt.

Hey universe...I think I've reached my quota now.

21 Comments:

  • At 6:14 PM, Blogger Jeanne said…

    I so feel for you. My kids are still little, but I've already taken a glimpse at it myself. Being a working mom doesn't help.

    But you're a strong person, and from what you're telling, I too think that you're a wonderful mom. It's hard to fight all the fights at the right time. Don't let this eat you up. In the end, something good will come out of this. I strongly believe that most things happen for a reason. You and your son and your family will get through this!

     
  • At 6:49 PM, Blogger IIDLYYCKMA said…

    You are an outstanding mother. You love your child with all your might.

     
  • At 7:41 PM, Blogger Nachama said…

    You are so a great mom!!! You're just not omniscient and you're not allowed to feel guilty for that. You are so in tune with your kids and so caring and brave and strong. They are learning so much from you including how to be human, flawed and tired and loving and alive in spite of it all. The world is beating you up right now -- don't help!!!

    From one of your quite impressed and devoted fans ~ Nachama

     
  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Jammie J. said…

    First off, I'm so sorry you're going through this. To have a migraine on top of that is just incomprehensible. Sometimes the universe just heaps and heaps, huh?

    As for the guilt, well, I think you're kicking yourself when you're down, in agony and vulnerable. The thing is, though, you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Don't guilt yourself too hard, because that takes away from the awesome mom your son sees.

    You will get through this. I know you will. (hugs)

     
  • At 8:47 PM, Blogger K2 said…

    Well, I've got nothing brilliant or probably even helpful to say except I am crying now too. Because you're feeling waht all of us who've received that little blue or pink bundle feel at some time or another. And I - like Diminutive One - think you're still a great Mom too. Gotta get a tissue...

     
  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger Pgoodness said…

    Dammit, exactly what K2 said, down to the crying part!

     
  • At 9:49 PM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    my kids think i suck as a mom, so you're way ahead of me.

     
  • At 10:17 PM, Anonymous Brigid said…

    You are making it up to him right now. Take it easy on yourself. Letting him snuggle with you during a migraine - you're doing just fine. And I am so with you on the aversion to vomit. I might need an intervention.

    (Delurking after about four months...)

     
  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    You are perfectly imperfect, just like the rest of us. You're his mom and he'll always love you and you'll always be the best mom he ever could have had. Although it doesn't always seem like it, you two were meant to be together.

     
  • At 11:55 PM, Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said…

    Buck up, Mama. He loves you and knows you're on his side. You can't change the past. All you can do is forge ahead and protect your kid.

    Good luck with the lawyer.

     
  • At 3:43 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    My baby girl is only 6 months and i already begin to understand some of the things my parents did, even the things i didnt agree with.

    I dont comment here very often but i do read a lot, i love your blog and i think you do a fabulous job with your family.

    Hope things get better

    Pol x

     
  • At 7:11 AM, Blogger Avalon said…

    But-----at the end of the day, he still thinks you are a great Mom. He may be struggling in school right now, but he is a very wise and perceptive boy. He understands on a very deep level that you are right there behind him.

    When the guilt creeps in, just remember his words......and instead of allowing those words to induce guilt, let the truth of them settle in.

    You ARE a really good Mom.

     
  • At 7:32 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I couldve written this part of the post myself...


    "I yell too much. I swear too much. I'm impatient. I'm not consistent enough and I'm lazy about following through on threats and punishments and I let him play video games far too much because sometimes he is just so much work that I don't have the strength for even one more battle."


    Thank you for sharing this.

    ~Tracy~

     
  • At 8:19 AM, Blogger Mac and Cheese said…

    We all swear, yell, lack consistency, etc., but what matters is how we handle the REAL issues as they come up. From that perspective, you are deserving of the title, "Great Mom". Wear it with pride.

     
  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger Sori said…

    A bad mom would have done nothing when she did find out. A good mom fights the fight that needs fighting and protects her child with the tools that are available to her. You are a mother to look up to.

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger jen said…

    babe, good to see you and this made my heart hurt a little. all i could think as i read it was good god damn, BA. you are a tremendous mama. don't you see that? don't you see your glow?

    you are.

    feel better. xo

     
  • At 2:23 PM, Blogger jess said…

    You're a great mom. And you're human.

     
  • At 6:48 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Singing the same tune as the rest of the choir.

    Cheers to ya.

     
  • At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Tracy (t-gardens) said…

    The fact that he came to you when he was afraid *proves* that you're an awesome mom! He knows that you are there for him, and will comfort him... even with a migraine.

    .... and now I need a tissue.

     
  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger PunditMom said…

    That is so phenomenal that you've found someone to be in tour corner and help advocate for you in the school. My fingers are crossed that things keep moving in the right direction.

    xo

     
  • At 8:05 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    Knowing that your mom has your back and that she is willing to admit she could have done better = priceless. You have heard the term "crazy-making"? Well, your behavior with your son is sane-making.

     

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