Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Killing Me Softly

Kids will break your heart.

Sometimes, they pummel it into a pile of barely beating crimson mush; soft and pulpy with the exquisite pain of loving another human being beyond all logic. It's fear and disappointment and regret and guilt and longing and dear God I can't be doing this right!

But sometimes....ohhhhh, sometimes, they break it wide open with the pure radiance of their loving you back, exposing the faithfully thumping core to drench the world with their tender, fledgling strength. Sometimes, they stun you with their capacity to love without condition and their understanding of things beyond their scope of experience.

My husband lost his job today.

We are not alone of course. Job loss is epidemic in America right now. Many are in the same boat. Many are in a much more quickly sinking one.

But we are a one income family, and now, that one income is gone. We have a mountain of responsibility and expectation on our shoulders. Atlas himself never carried such a load.

Those of you who have children know what I'm talking about.

It's beyond terrifying.

Shocked and reeling, Husband could not say the words to our boys. He could scarcely say them to me. I said I would do it and I did, but I didn't expect it to be so hard. I didn't expect the rush of panic that filled me as they looked at me silent and blinking. They were like baby seals stunned by a hunter's club; wide eyed and bewildered. They had no idea what to say or what to do.

Pubescent One spoke first.

"I can work Mom. Chick-Fil-A hires 14 year olds." he said earnestly.

"You and Dad can have all my birthday money." Diminutive One added.

Jesus that hurt. That hurt way down in a place that is rarely breached. But a sweeter pain I've never known, with the possible exception of the day each of them was dragged from my body naked and squalling; terrifying and wondrous in their fragile, perfect beauty.

Did I think I had to be strong for them? Well, sure, that's what Moms do. But I find that I am being bathed in their strength. Bolstered by their courage and selflessness.

Kids. They'll break your heart. Wide open.

We may lose our home, the cars, the posessions that brand us as respectable middle class people. But those are just things. Trappings.

I have my boys and I have my husband and we're going to be okay.

29 Comments:

  • At 5:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm so sorry. I hope that another door opens for your hubby soon.

     
  • At 6:16 PM, Blogger skipper said…

    My prayers are with you. I just went through 3 months without work - and not getting paid two months before that. It's scary and shitty but your kids are great, and you have each other. May something come along and soon.

     
  • At 6:51 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Oh. Me. Oh. My. For it all.

    That? is family.

    My thoughts are with you all and may the ~less stretch be short.

     
  • At 7:00 PM, Blogger Shelley said…

    I am so sorry about your husband's job. No, you're not the only ones, but it's your family now, and man, aren't your boys fantastic! I know how proud you are.
    Sending good wishes that he finds something very soon.

     
  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I am so sorry your husband's job loss - I hope one or both of you find something soon so the gap between incomes isn't too long.

     
  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Amy Sue Nathan @ Suburban Kvetch said…

    I'm in tears for so many reasons. Geez do we have to remember to count every single blessing every single day.

    ((hugs)) my friend.

     
  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger Kathryn in NZ said…

    Thinking of you, and ditto previous commenters that another door will open for you and dear husband income wise. Vibes that this period of your lives is EXTREMELY short.

     
  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Ellieranc said…

    Wow. I'm so sorry. Your boys are amazing. I've been in your shoes. It sucks, it stings, it frightens you to the core. Sorry for the cliche, but you will get through this. We did and amazingly are better for it. You will be, too.

     
  • At 9:36 PM, Anonymous OmegaMom said…

    Oh, shit, BA. I'm sorry! I hope something comes along very, very soon.

    And your kids? That was so sweet.

     
  • At 10:25 PM, Blogger Magi said…

    That just sucks, but you have amazing kids. I hope this tumultuous time is short for your family.

     
  • At 12:28 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    well, fuck.

     
  • At 4:03 AM, Blogger Polgara said…

    So so sorry to hear your news
    Pol x

     
  • At 5:41 AM, Blogger wyo said…

    Very sorry to hear the news about your husband's job, but not surprised that your kids were heartbreaking (in a good way)! My daughter was similarly sweet the last time I lost a job (my occupation is way off the edge of recession-proof).

    Thinking of your family and hoping your husband finds something new soon.

     
  • At 7:23 AM, Blogger The Woman Formerly Known as Jenn said…

    I'm so, so sorry BA. We went through this last year; our miracle was that I got a job almost immediately after my husband lost his. I hope your miracle comes through just as quickly.

    And your boys are freaking amazing.

     
  • At 9:14 AM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    I'm with Jenn ~ your boys are amazing!
    I'm so sorry about your husband's job... I hope something turns up soon, Mama!

     
  • At 1:05 PM, Blogger em said…

    I'm sorry to read that your husband has joined the ranks of oh, so many others. But it's joy to hear how your sons did what they could to lift you up.

    BUT, maybe this will be the silver lining you need to get moved back home? And if there is any remote possibility you'd lose your home, please market it first.

     
  • At 1:19 PM, Blogger Trenches of Mommyhood said…

    Ooof. I'm speechless. Thinking of you.

     
  • At 3:05 PM, Anonymous a Chris said…

    You're so right. I've just recently been reading your posts, but you're clearly a smart and strong family. I'm sorry to hear your husband lost that job; here's hoping there's a better one lurking around the corner (or wherever you'd all like to be)!

    By the way, I love your Pet Issues/Causes.

     
  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger mamatulip said…

    Shit, BA. I'm so sorry.

     
  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger Sharon said…

    I'm so sorry to hear that your husband lost his job. That has to be a huge stress for your whole family. Sounds like you have a couple of awesome boys, though, and the family sticking together is what will see you all through. My sincere best wishes to all of you.

     
  • At 10:33 PM, OpenID wheelsonthebus said…

    oh, honey. crap. i could just feel your heart sinking in this post.

     
  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger K2 said…

    so sorry to hear your news. we're all pulling for you and your family. the love and strength your boys are showing now is a family trait it seems, inspiring, how you pull each other up.

     
  • At 12:36 PM, Blogger Fairly Odd Mother said…

    Oh BA, I'm so sorry. I hope something comes through for your family soon. Hugs.

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger Maureen @ Wisconsin Mommy said…

    I am so sorry.

     
  • At 7:10 AM, Blogger Woman with kids said…

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. What wonderful kids though.

     
  • At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Flybunny said…

    I am so sorry. I lost my job in January and just recently found another one. While my husband was still working, he is a teacher and well that speaks for itself.

    Like yours, my kids were absolutely amazing and several good lessons were learned.

    I am sending thoughts your way that something even better comes along for your husband.

     
  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Scott O said…

    I am so sorry, and hope things work out well.
    I lost my well paying job of 9 years, just over a year ago. Like your husband's job, it was our family's sole income. I am back to work now, but the financial impact is far from over. I have truly learned that "a home, the cars, the possessions that brand us as respectable middle class people" are just things. It is the people in your life that truly define your worth. From how you describe your children, it sounds like you have everything in the world.

     
  • At 1:57 PM, Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said…

    As my husband and I secretly emptied our kids' piggy banks of their change to pay for gas and groceries, we could barely look at each other. It hurts. It hurts so bad, but life is never easy, is it?

    I feel your pain. I hope for you, and all of us, that we can dig ourselves out of this...

     
  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger Veronica Mitchell said…

    I ma sorry for the pain and worry you have right now. But I am so happy you all have each other.

     

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