Blogs Are Stupid

Doesn't anyone believe in Dear Diary anymore? What happened to the joy of putting actual pen to paper? And why does every ordinary Jane and John think they can write well enough to burden the world with their scribblings? It’s a mystery that badly needs solving. My first entry contains my thoughts about blogging and will set your expectations. The rest will probably be stream of consciousness garbage, much like you’ll find on any other blog. Perhaps we will both come away enlightened.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Stuff and Nonsense

I'm going to L.A. next week to pitch an idea for a new reality show.

What? You think I, suburban dweller, stay at home Mom, PTA Goddess...have nothing of interest to share with the viewing public?

Oh contraire, mes amis!

I don't want to give too much away, but the basic premise of the show, titled "The Procuress" will be to chronicle my life as I procure any and all manner of stuff for my family.

Food stuff. Cleaning stuff. Sports stuff. Educational stuff. Personal grooming stuff. Pet Stuff. Medicine stuff. Stuff to wear. Stuff to sleep on. Stuff to clean the stuff. Stuff to transport the stuff. Stuff to store all the stuff when we're not using the stuff.

I'll share my tips for saving money on stuff. I'll show you how to make stuff into other stuff. I'll give advice on how to make someone else's old stuff, into your new stuff. I'll tell you how to market and sell stuff you don't want anymore. The Procuress has lots of tricks up her sleeve when it comes to making people believe they cannot live without your stuff. And then, I'll tell you all the places that will take the leftover stuff.

But that's not all.

Oh no.

You will see up close and personal how I handle a stuff crisis.

It's 9:00 pm and little Johnny realizes that he has a school project due tomorrow! No problem. The Procuress always keeps a supply of arts and crafts stuff on hand, along with a plentiful supply of cutting stuff, measuring stuff, and embellishing stuff.

Husband just rememberd that there's a potluck at work tomorrow! Not to worry. The Procuress always has stuff on hand to whip up a tasty casserole or a delicious dessert. Foodstuff is a snap for the Procuress. She also has handy and convenient stuff to carry the foodstuff to and fro.

The dog got into the garbage and is now sick as...well, a dog? No sweat! The Procuress is well stocked with stuff to keep other stuff from coming out of her family and pets. She also has heavy duty stuff to tackle the tough stains and odors left by effluviant stuff.

Oh no....someone forgot Grandma's birthday! No matter, the Procuress has all manner of charming but essentially useless stuff to wrap up for her special day. Why, there's smelly stuff, knick-knacky stuff, reading stuff, kitschy stuff, stuff with hearwarming sayings and stuff bearing humorous depictions of the elderly.

You will also witness the Procuress's unwavering insistence on recompense when stuff doesn't perform as advertised and the steadfast commitment to truth in advertising stuff. Stuff should do what stuff is supposed to do and the Procuress doesn't stop until she is satisfied that it will. Long lines at customer service are no match for her iron will. Surly sales associates will wither in the face of her scorn. There will be justice.

I'm telling you, it's a ratings goldmine.

Everybody loves stuff. Therefore, everybody will love......

The Procuress.

Check your local listings.

8 Comments:

  • At 12:20 PM, Blogger Shelley said…

    That's great. Useful info for all, I'm sure. Note to self: Replenish craft supplies.
    Have you ever seen the show on FLN (Fine Living Network?) called "Whatever, Martha?" It's Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis, and a friend of hers, and they basically watch clips from "Martha Stewart Living" and make fun of them, while Alexis gives little quips of what it was like to grow up with Martha Stewart as a mother. It's a riot.

     
  • At 2:59 PM, Blogger the only daughter said…

    Oh bring it on. All about stuff!!

    LOL

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger baronessvonb said…

    Could you maybe be The Philanthropist Mentalist Procuress? It is apparently tres courant to have a suffix at the end of whatever it is you do, so this sounds like a recipe for success.

    I'm not sure if this should be on HGTV, TLC, the Food Network, or as an infomercial. Tough call.

     
  • At 10:07 PM, Blogger IIDLYYCKMA said…

    This should prove interesting:)

     
  • At 12:03 AM, Blogger flutter said…

    interesting stuff!

     
  • At 4:06 PM, Blogger BoozleBox said…

    But I hate stuff! My house is so full of STUFF it drives me crazy. Promise you will have a segment on getting rid of stuff, to make space for the other stuff you will so brilliantly procure. Or something.

     
  • At 11:12 PM, Blogger SUEB0B said…

    I can't wait.

     
  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger Amy Y said…

    Fascinating! I'd totally watch :)
    How did it go??

     

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