Out of the Mouths Of Babes
Out Of The Mouths Of Babes
THE SETTING: A trendy tot shop in an upscale suburban mall.
THE PLAYERS: The Real Charlie Brown (Baby #1-right), Pre-Pubescent One (Baby #2-left)
Baby #1: Dude, how long does it take your Mom to pick out a breast pump?
Baby #2: I don't know man. Frankly, I'm baffled by the whole concept. I mean, I don't want to brag, but I can empty a breast in like, 3 minutes. You cannot improve upon perfection my friend.
Baby #1: Okay, Seriously? Enough. You're breastfed. I get it. We all. Get it.
Baby #2: Geez, who pissed in your Enfamil?
Baby #1: Sorry Dude, I'm just a little irritable.
Baby #2: You don't say...
Baby #1: It's just that my binky is embedded in my back fat, this diaper has exceeded maximum capacity, and it is definitely past lunch o'clock.
Baby #2: I hear ya. This outfit is making me a little cranky myself.
Baby #1: It's not that bad....
Baby #2: You're just saying that.
Baby #1: That's what friends are for.
Baby #2: Well at least your lunch is right there in the diaper bag. Thanks to the whole "breasts are sexual objects" thing, I have to wait until we get home.
Baby #1: Sucks to be you Dude.
Baby #2: That's what I'm sayin'.
Baby #1: But at least your lunch will be fresh and warm and straight from the source.
Baby #2: Yeah. AND....it doesn't taste like ass.
Baby #1: Watch it...
Baby #2: Sorry. I forget you're sensitive about that.
Baby #1: I'm not sensitive. I'm discerning.
Baby #2: Says the kid who snacks on toe jam.
Baby #1: Sucking on my toes satisfies my need for oral gratification, okay? Not all of us have breasts at our beck and call.
Baby #2: Not my issue, man.
Baby #1: Hey...you ever do that motorboat thing?
Baby #2: No.
Baby #1: C'mooooooon....you never even thought about it?
Baby #2: NO.
Baby #1: Seriously? You never thought about just puttin your face right in there and -
Baby #2: I said no, Dude, okay? No? Means NO.
Baby #1: You don't deserve to be breastfed. I would totally do the motorboat thing.
Baby #2: Not unless you wanted to find yourself drinking out of a rubber nipple attached to a bottle with rainbows and teddy b...oh, um, yeah. Sorry.
Baby #1: That really cuts a guy.
Baby #2: I said I'm sorry. Anyway...you do not disrespect the milk makers my friend.
Baby #1: Yeah. I see your point. Say, uh...speaking of milk makers....Two babies walk into a titty bar....
Baby #2: .......HAHAHA! Milking it! That? Is Classic. You crack my ass up Dude. I mean, you really slay me.
Baby #1: Eh, well, I messed up the punchline a little. I hate it when I do that.
Baby #2: Doesn't matter, Dude. Titty jokes are always funny. I think I pissed myself. For real, I mean.
Baby #1: You and me both bro. I'm practically floating away over here. But at least I can use my diaper as a life preserver.
Baby #2: No doubt. What's in these things anyway?
Baby #1: I don't know. Some kind of super absorbent petrochemical crap. We'll probably be sterile someday.
Baby #2: Do NOT even joke about that.
Baby #1: Sorry. Hey, here come the Moms. Act Natural.
Baby #2: Goo goo. Ga ga.
Baby #1: (Fills diaper explosively)